Okay, I admit it, I have waited for people in my life more than I should’ve. I kept thinking that my time would come and that they would need to know that they had someone who would always be there for them. The downside of this is that I put my life on hold to be there for people who didn’t really appreciate it. And I’d end up broken too many times by setting high expectations for people who weren’t ready to do things as great for me as I did for them. But, if nothing else, thanks to them, I’ve had my fair share of lessons in life.
Thanks to numerous people who let me down, I learned a few things. I realized that just because I’m ready to put my life on hold for some people it doesn’t necessarily mean that they’re ready to do so as well. Just because I put some people at the top of my priority list, it doesn’t mean I get to be on theirs at all. Just because I expect someone to appreciate me, it doesn’t mean they will too. And the ugliest thing of all, is that no matter what you do for others, in most cases they stay oblivious to your sacrifices. So I decided not to be this naive person I used to be and I decided to stop giving myself to those who haven’t proved to be worthy of my love and my time.
I decided to not give anyone else so much power over my life and that’s exactly what I’d be doing if I decided to wait for you. All the lessons from before, all the people who let me down, all the times I allowed others to use me, would be in vain if I let you get away with your story just like that. And I’m sorry, but I’m not ready to do that.
I’m not ready to put my life on hold so you can figure out what it is that you want.
There is something romantic in waiting for love, I’ll give you that. But there isn’t anything romantic in waiting for someone who isn’t sure about you. And you’re not sure about us because if you were, I’d know.
If you were sure about me, if you wanted me, then I wouldn’t need to ask myself constantly where I stand with you. I wouldn’t need to ask myself if I have a spot in your life. If you were sure, you’d make it clear who I am to you and you’d make a spot for me in your life. So, if you’re unsure, I’m unsure as well.
I’m sorry, but don’t expect me to put my life on hold while you decide what it is that you want.
I want to live my life to the fullest. I want to meet new people, and I want to go out. I want to travel and look forward to each new day and everything it has to offer me. I want to be there for my friends, I want to give someone who genuinely cares for me and who knows what he wants a chance. I can’t do that if I let you hold me back.
Waiting for you would mean that I need to cut my wings and wait for you to patch them together.
I don’t want to stay alone just because I waited for someone who hasn’t headed my way to begin with. I don’t want to lie in bed each night wondering where you are and what you’re doing. I don’t want to be alone while you’re with some other girl, figuring your feelings out. I have more self-respect than you give me credit for and I’m sorry but I refuse to let you make an idiot out of me.
I’m not saying ‘no’ to you because I care too much for you, but I am also not waiting for you because I care for myself too. I’m living my life as if we’re not together since we’re not. I don’t want to deceive myself. The more I keep it real, the less it hurts.
I’m looking forward to you, but even if you come, there will be no big harm done.
If you choose me at the end of the day, then great, but if not, well at least I haven’t wasted my life waiting for you. I haven’t spent nights waiting for someone just to see you not coming at all. I haven’t put anything on hold and I have allowed myself to live amazing moments of my life without you. And I didn’t get the opportunity to lose you because you were never mine in the first place.
One more thing. I can’t promise you that one day, when you finally make a decision to be with me, I’ll be available for you. Maybe someone else will come along and show me what it is like to be wanted. Maybe someone else will fill your spot. You can’t expect me to choose you over that someone when you also didn’t have the decency to choose me.
The girl who knows what she wants