I feel I need to write this article for a mixed number of reasons. Some of them are good and some are bad. My heart is telling me to do this, and I don’t want to let it down. I want to educate people and make them finally realize that I am going through this struggle every single day.
So, I have a message for my family, friends and coworkers—the struggle is real. I will just have my heart on my sleeve and tell you about my story about depression.
2 years ago I was diagnosed with severe depression and panic attacks.
At that moment, my whole world was falling apart, and I was just thinking in my head:
“What depression? It can’t happen to me. The cheerful me. The one who has been through hell and back in life but has never let it knock me down? There is no way this can happen to me. Why did it hit me all of a sudden? Why me? How do I tell people? Will they look at me differently? Will they judge me? I can’t work. I can’t even think, though thinking is all my head keeps doing.”
And then the living hell started. I was waking up so tired every morning, and all I wanted was to get back to my bed, to my oasis of peace and tranquility where the demons inside of me couldn’t do me any harm.
I still remember the day when I wanted to study for my final exams. It was Saturday and my test was on Monday.
I sat down on the sofa and started going through the books. Then I heard a voice inside of me, so known, telling me:
“It is in vain if you study, you won’t make it anyway” Anxiety said.
“Just go to bed. You will feel better if you just sleep” whispered Depression.
Then, I just gave up. I left my books and turned on the TV. I wanted to feel distracted from all that mess that was happening in my head. So many voices telling me what to do and what the best option for me was. But in fact, none of them helped me.
I was still NUMB!
I was still feeling indifferent. I didn’t give damn about anything. After so much confusion, I fell asleep. The next morning, I felt enormous remorse because I hadn’t studied for my exams. And the same story repeated itself so many times.
You see, someone would think that I was lazy. But I wasn’t. I worked my ass off to even make myself sit down and open books. It was a constant struggle every single day.
I started to think, “Where did I go wrong?” I heard the voices in my head again:
“You are incapable of anything good. Why don’t you just give up? Don’t even bother because you will fail every time”
There was such a big mess in my head and I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t know what is true and what is not. That feeling was eating me alive.
If you are like me, you will understand everything I say. You will know what it feels like to live with depression anad anxity. Yoou will, just like me, feel that your life is passing by and you are not enjoying it at all.
I am trying to help myself. I read and go to therapy. I go out and talk to people. But I feel so alone.
Whatever I do, it doesn’t get better. Every time I feel it is going to be better, I get another panic attact. My life seems like a magic circle. And no matter what I do, I can’t escape it.
I do everything that could help me feel better but sadly in this stage of my life, it doesn’t help me.
I would love if I could be normal and spend the quality time with my friends but I can’t even do that.
I am sorry I am like this. But just know that I want to be the old me again.
But one thing is for sure—I will be the old me again!
It may not happen overnight. It may take years. But I promise myself I will fight this. And win. I will win because I want to live. I love my friends and my family. I want to educate people about this horrible disease. And I can only do that if I am here. I know that the old me is in there somewhere. And I will get her back one day. But until then, I will just have to try the best I can to live. With the good and the bad days.
All I can do now is close my eyes and breathe!