I never thought I’d be talking to you ever again. I thought once I got far away from you, I’d be saved, and that’d be the last time we hear from each other, but life has its way of showing me I should switch up and start looking the bigger picture.
I was thinking if I should introduce myself, but then it hit me that a predator always knows his pray, and I know you’d recognize me no matter where. You’d differ my ‘handwriting’ from somebody else’s everywhere because you know me perfectly well, don’t you?
You remember this insecure girl who needed somebody to love her because she wasn’t strong enough to love herself? Yeah, I knew you’d recognize me.
There are things that I haven’t told you and I have this skin-itching desire to give myself closure to our story. I need it so I can move on. I need it so I don’t grant you the last word in what happened between us.
I had no idea how weak I was, but you did. I was a perfect victim for your games and I was just the one you could manipulate,—so naive and so pure-hearted it would be a sin not to use me and satisfy your narcissistic ego, right? Boy, I was such a good catch to you.
I let my guard down.
Because I didn’t know how to love myself, I needed somebody else to love me instead. I needed to have somebody by my side because I had no idea how it feels to feel good about yourself. That was so wrong. Whenever something bad happened, I guessed I was the one to be blamed, I thought it was my fault. I always thought I was the guilty one—what else is new?
I let you in.
You taught me it’s not OK to let people in.
I never trusted someone like I trusted you. I believed you’ll be good to me and that you’d never hurt me. When I showed you my deepest feelings, when I poured my heart out in the open, when I whispered my fears the quietest I could, you showed me I should’ve kept them to myself.
You are the one who thought me how not to love.
I thought you’d taken care of me, but I survived every downfall alone. Every setback I had, you pretended you didn’t see. But it made you feel good, didn’t it—to see me at my lowest? That’s exactly where you needed me in order to feel better about yourself.
I was drowning and I was hoping you would be the one to save me. You would have pulled my hand if you were one of the good guys. But you weren’t. Now I know, you’d stretch your hand towards the water but not to save me—, it’d be just to push me in deeper.
I want you to think of the girl you used at her most vulnerable. I want you to think of the girl that gave you her love without getting anything in return. I want you to think of the girl that only got heart bruises from the man she most trusted.
Now, I want you to think of the girl who deserved better than that.
I want you to think of the girl who deserved better than being ignored.
I want you to think of the girl who deserved better than being manipulated.
I want you to think of the girl who deserved somebody better than you.
This girl wants to thank you. I am grateful to you for treating me like I didn’t deserve a place in this world. I thank you for manipulating me, ignoring me, and playing me. I am grateful for each and every emotional beating you put me through. I want to thank you for not loving me. Because you made me love myself.
When there was nobody else to love me, I relied on myself. When there was nobody else to save me, I saved myself. When there was nobody to pick me up when you knocked me down, I picked myself up alone. You might not have intended it, but you are the one I need to thank for making me this strong.
I learned to walk alone in this world. I realized that the love I deserve was never gonna come from you. I learned I am good enough for somebody else. I don’t need to be good for you—I am good enough for myself. I deserve all the love in this world because that’s all I was giving to others as well. I realized I deserved somebody better than you and that’s what gave me the strength to leave you just when I thought I could never live without you.
You know, I am ready now. I am the healthy soul that’s finally ready to let somebody else in. That’s why I gave myself permission to think of you again. I’m doing it so I could say goodbye to you. I realize it’s not me that wasn’t good enough for you, but it was you that wasn’t good enough for me.
You might think you know me perfectly, but you are so wrong. You are as wrong about me as I was about you at the beginning of the story. You were my darkness and I let go of you.
I am finally ready to move on and we’re finally done. You won’t recognize my handwriting anymore because it’s a happy person that’s writing from now on. It’s this lucky person who learned to love herself and found somebody to give her the love she deserves.