Many times I’ve wondered if I am ever going to be normal again. I’ve wondered if I am going to feel good about myself, and if I am going to give myself another chance to love again.
I could never read people. I could never guess who’s going to love me and who’s going to use me. I always gave people a chance no matter what, and I always ended up getting a rotten deal. One could think I have gotten used to it by now, but this time it was brutal.
I met a man who screamed trouble from a mile away. And I fell for him. Despite the fact that I got warning signs to not come near him, I invited him into my life and into my heart. I decided to give us a chance.
I was so stupid to believe I would be the one to change him. But you can’t really tame the beast, can you?
I fell for a man who was unable to love anybody but himself.
No matter what I gave him, it was never enough. No matter how much I loved him, he never truly loved me back. All the ‘feelings’ he poured out to me were part of his well-practiced scheme. He knew that I’d do anything for him if he gave me as much as a pinch of love. I know you can’t really measure love, but when it comes in minimal doses like his did, you can.
I fell for somebody who was extremely selfish.
My needs were never a matter of importance. The only thing that was important when we were together was that he was happy. The worst part was that he was the happiest when I was the most miserable. As if he was feeding on my misery.
I tell myself all the time that I wouldn’t have fallen for him if I knew how selfish he was, but that’s a lie. I’d have fallen for him anyway.
I fell for somebody I thought I could change.
Nobody made me do it. I did this to myself. I thought I could change him. I thought that if I gave him all the love I ever had, he’d change teams, and he’d come to play for the good guys.
I knew he had negative traits, but so does every human. I never took him for a bad man because of his flaws. I decided to accept him as a whole, with all his goods and all his bads.
The only problem were his feelings. The only problem was that he was unable to love. He is the type of guy who’s unable to feel empathy towards anybody. And I was the type of girl who felt everything in thousands of different colors.
I dated a man who blamed me for everything.
Whenever things went bad for him, he’d take it out on me. As if I were the worst thing that could’ve ever happened to him, as if I wanted bad things to happen to him.
Trying to confront him was the stupidest idea ever. It just made things worse. I had no idea how to explain to him that I was not the villain and that I felt sorry when things went bad for him. Little did I know I was not the villain of this show.
I dated somebody who made me doubt myself.
I decided to let my guard down and let him in. I forgot about myself. I forgot what kind of person I am. I forgot about my principles and my beliefs. I let him walk away and come back anytime he wanted.
I did it because he made me believe I couldn’t have anybody better than him. He acted as if he was God’s gift to me, even though I didn’t really deserve him. It made me feel unworthy, small, and pathetic to think I deserved to be loved.
I dated somebody who completely changed me.
There wasn’t any remaining trait of the girl I was before I entered that relationship. The wrinkles around my eyes from how much I laughed before turned into wrinkles from my tears and worries. They were the signs of my inner pain—the pain I never talked about with anybody.
It took me a while to realize I was a part of an abusive relationship. I had no idea because I had no bruises on my body. I had no broken bones, but I felt broken from the inside. And I didn’t want to be broken. I only wanted to be happy. And loved. Was it too much to ask?
It was all my fault. I started this whole nightmare alone. I fell for him hoping I’d fix him, hoping I’d be the one to save his soul. I ended up as the person that needed to be saved.
I dated somebody who made me give up on him.
I just couldn’t do it anymore. I was never a quitter. But there is a first time for everything. If I hadn’t walked away when I did, God knows what would’ve happened to me. If I hadn’t given up on him, I would have given up on me.
I dated somebody who taught me how to be selfish.
I didn’t become selfish in a narcissistic way. I absorbed everything from my teacher. My selfishness wasn’t toxic. I was only as selfish as I needed to be to save myself.
Ever loved somebody so much you would do anything for them? Well, I decided to make that someone myself.
I decided to only reward people with my time if they decided to give me their time as well. I decided to love only if my love is going to be appreciated. I decided to walk away from people who didn’t respect me. I decided to walk away from people who destroyed my happiness and never look back.
I dated somebody who made me choose myself.
I made a decision to move on. Because he didn’t appreciate me, I learned to appreciate myself.
I knew it wouldn’t happen automatically, but I hope it would happen eventually. And it did. I refused to allow him to get the best of me. I deserve so much more than him.
I dated someone who almost broke me.
This man did the most horrible things someone can do to a person who loves him. He manipulated me, he constantly brought me down, he almost convinced me how I am not good enough.
He broke my heart, but I didn’t let him broke me. Little by little I climbed up from the black hole he showed me in. Little by little I stopped talking down on me and I started l telling myself that even though I’m flawed I still don’t deserve to be treated the way he treated me. I reminded myself that I too, deserve to be loved.
I dated someone who showed me what I am made of.
Hadn’t he done everything he could to hurt me, I would’ve never found out how much pain I can endure. If he didn’t choose to hate me, I would’ve never known how much I love myself. If he didn’t try to break me, I would’ve never found out how strong I am. Hadn’t I fallen for the wrong guy, could I have ever learned what the right guy looks like?
Even though it was a hell of a journey, it still shaped me into who I am. And I couldn’t be more thankful than I am. Life has its way of teaching us the lessons we need to learn and even though I’m a bit bruised, I’m not broken, I’m still standing. I say I won.
He was my first thought in the morning and first thought before I’d fall asleep. Now, I barely think of him.