Are the storms raging where you live?
Because they sure are where I am.
I am not so good. Actually, I’m far away from being good. ‘Not good’ is too mild of a description of how I’m feeling.
It’s been awhile since I’ve put on something that even remotely resembles a smile. My face became a blurred version of what used to be my face.
For some reason, only bad stuff is happening to me and I can’t figure out why.
Did I deserve it? Maybe there is a reason why a huge storm has nested in my life and I simply cannot put my finger on it…
And I don’t know how to get through all of this shit life keeps throwing at me. I am trying and trying—but no. Nothing seems to be working. All my efforts seem to be in vain.
I’m worn out. Nothing has changed. It never will.
You know, I led a happy life once. A life with my friends who were always going an extra mile if I needed them to. With my boyfriend who loved me with all of his heart. With positive people around me who just wanted to see me smiling. And I did.
But then the storm came raging at me, hitting me with everything it got. And everything began to lose it’s form—it’s normality, it’s sanity. I was beginning to lose it. I was trapped in all that mess beyond repair. And I didn’t know how to find a way out.
I was stuck.
I couldn’t take a step forth or back. It was as if someone glued me to the surface—helpless and alone.
From a happy and cheerful girl, I transformed into a woman closed in her 4 lonesome walls.
I blame anxiety. I blame panic attacks. I blame depression. I blame myself for letting them take me.
I was fighting like a lioness only to get through the day—one day at a time. I was pretending things are fine. But they weren’t.
Only my room knew all the darkest secrets I had. Diving my head into the pillow and screaming in the middle of the night because I couldn’t stand that burning pain anymore—a pain that crippled me more and more as the seconds, minutes, hours passed. I couldn’t stand the late night monologues in which I comforted myself with words: “Everything will be fine.”
But it wasn’t. It only got worse.
You know when people say you should smile, be positive, and life will return the favour—well it didn’t, so cut the crap.
Nothing of that happened. I was still the one who was fighting madly to find an exit from this nightmare I was living in. I was trying so hard to wake up, but I couldn’t.
To make things worse, I found out that I was pregnant. The night I find out that I was about to become a mother, I got more news.
This one threw me another blow that I couldn’t take. I found out that my fiancée died in a car accident.
From the moment I heard that, I went blank. My entire world had just crumbled on top of me. I couldn’t say anything. I just stood there, fighting for every breath, thinking. “I will die and follow him to heaven”.
I fell on my knees, numb and broken, asking God why He was doing all this to me.
What kind of a sinner did you have to be to deserve this kind of pain?
What kind of a God can do that to anyone?
But I didn’t get any answer. I didn’t expect one either.
I know that misfortune follows me anywhere I go, but even I was surprised with the amount of misery that was happening to me.
And the story doesn’t end there. No, there’s more.
The most painful moment was when my child asked me why other kids have dads and he is the only one without one?
I just stood there feeling the stabs of thousands of imaginary knives—in a state of shock. What could I possibly have told him to make him feel better? I knew I was both mom and dad for him. I knew I gave him all the love I could give. He was literally my everything. But I also knew that wasn’t enough. He is going to miss his dad forever.
He needs him.
And he isn’t here. And he never will be.
But I didn’t want my son to know that I am on the edge—that I couldn’t take it anymore. I was pretending that I was super happy in front of him but I couldn’t wait to go to my room and cry my heart out. That was my way of dealing with all the pain.
I knew things were not going to change if I didn’t do something about it. And I did. I decided to put a stop to it.
I decided to chase away the storms.
From that moment, I transformed into a new woman. A woman who got slaps from life over and over again, but knew how to stand up when she fell. I found the strength to keep turning the other cheek.
I figured out that life is not all about having good cards—it is about playing well with bad ones.
Where was He all the time when I needed Him the most?
I got it in a blink of an eye. Everything was crystal clear.
If you are going through a rough period of your life and you’re asking yourself where God is now, just remember that the teacher always keeps his mouth shut during the test.
So does God.
He tested me and I passed. Most importantly, I came out stronger than ever.
Challenges are what make life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful—this is what I’ve learned.
I am not saying that everything is perfect in my life right now. I am still anxious. I still cry. I still fall. But every time that happens, I find my way to come up to the surface. I find my way to breathe in some air.
I find my way to enjoy the sun.
And I have a damn good reason for that. Those little hands around my neck are the most beautiful jewelry I have ever had. He pushes me forward because he deserves a strong mom who will stand up for him if needed.
Life goes on and if there is no light in front of you or behind you, don’t be afraid. Just follow your path and say calmly: “You don’t need to show me the light you mother fucker, I will find my way even in the darkness!”
End of the story.