I am scared. Everybody around me seems to fall in love so easily. They are happy inside their love bubbles and I am not sure if I know what love actually is or how to get inside of one of those bubbles.
I know that love and ‘falling in love’ is not the same but they coexist. If they are separated they are worthless. I never had both.
I have sometimes mistaken some other things for love. Appreciation, for example, when somebody loves me – I mistake the gratitude of them loving me with love. When they are good for me, when they are textbook examples of everything that I wanted from a guy. Somehow, it would leave my heart empty.
Obsession is the other thing I’ve been known to mistake for love. It didn’t matter if they were toxic or sweet, I would hold on to them like there was no tomorrow. I would feel some kind of rush when I was with them. It would be lust, desire, and passion mixed with obsession. That feeling would hold me for some time, then after a while I would feel empty again.
I started to think it was me, I was the problem. ‘Am I incapable of feelings?’ ‘Am I a mess?’
Then I remember all the people in my life who are important to me. I love them with all my heart and they love me back. I am a good friend, I have empathy, I am there for all of them and they are there for me. My feelings are full in that department.
But why does this love department seem to fall behind?
I guess I just haven’t met Mr. Right yet. I just had a lot of Mr.-Right-Nows. I adjusted to situations, I tried to make love out of friendship, I tried to make love out of lust but you can’t make love – you have to feel love to have the real deal.
I wanted to have that glow in my eyes I always envied my friends for. You can’t fake emotions. You can’t force love.
My friends, usually when they are heartbroken, tell me that I am the lucky one. My heart was never broken. I never suffered because of love.
I always say,‘I suffered because of lack of love.’ ‘I have never been so ecstatic or happy for love like they have.’
And I want that, even with the risk that it may hurt. I think it’s worth the risk. And I will have that someday, I am sure of it. I have to wait and that’s the hardest part. I have to wait and hope we’ll find each other.
I don’t want any more relationships that are passing breezes in my life, that will just touch my body or my head. I want that all-consuming kind of love that will move me in a way I was never moved before. That will liberate me and teach me how to feel. Allow me to feel in my own way.
I’m not settling for those small breezes. I want the love that moves mountains and nothing less.