I am scared. Everybody around me seems to fall in love so easily. They are happy inside their love bubbles and I am not sure if I know what love actually is or how to get inside of one of those bubbles.
I know that love and โfalling in loveโ is not the same but they coexist. If they are separated they are worthless. I never had both.
I have sometimesย mistaken some other things for love.ย Appreciation, for example, ย when somebody loves me โ I mistake the gratitude of them loving me with love. When they are good for me, when they are textbook examples of everything that I wanted from a guy. Somehow, it would leave my heart empty.
Obsession is the other thing Iโve been known to mistake for love. It didnโt matter if they were toxic or sweet, I would hold on to them like there was no tomorrow. I would feel some kind of rush when I was with them. It would be lust, desire, and passion mixed with obsession. That feeling would hold me for some time, then after a while I would feel empty again.
I started to think it was me, I was the problem.ย โAm I incapable of feelings?โ โAm I a mess?โ
Then I remember all the people in my life who are important to me. I love them with all my heart and they love me back.ย I am a good friend, I have empathy,ย I am there for all of them and they are there for me. My feelings are full in that department.
But why does this love department seem to fall behind?
I guess I just havenโt met Mr. Right yet. I just had a lot of Mr.-Right-Nows. I adjusted to situations, I tried to make love out of friendship, I tried toย make love out of lustย but you canโt make love โ you have to feel love to have the real deal.
I wanted to have that glow in my eyes I always envied my friends for. You canโt fake emotions. You canโt force love.
My friends, usually when they are heartbroken, tell me that I am the lucky one. My heart was never broken. I never suffered because of love.
I always say,โI suffered because of lack of love.โ โI have never been so ecstatic or happy for love like they have.โ
And I want that, even with the risk that it may hurt. I think itโs worth the risk. And I will have that someday, I am sure of it. I have to wait and thatโs the hardest part. I have to wait and hope weโll find each other.
I donโt want any more relationships that are passing breezes in my life, that will just touch my body or my head. I want that all-consuming kind of love that will move me in a way I was never moved before. That will liberate me and teach me how to feel. Allow me to feel in my own way.
Iโm not settling for those small breezes. I want the love that moves mountains and nothing less.
Watch “Say Anything” Then call me!