It was a normal Saturday night. We sat on the sofa, my legs over yours, tired but not too tired to start the third documentary of the evening. 01:37 showed the clock, when I noticed that I did not know for a long time, what the program was about. How did we land here? And if it was not the exciting TV program, what kept me on your couch at this time of day?
It was about an hour later when I walked home through the drizzle – a classic, I know, but not uncommon in Hamburg – and realized that I had lied to myself. In that I simply had nothing better to do this Saturday night. I did not have. Because I could not imagine anything better than sitting on this sofa with you. It was not the artists of the circus docu that fascinated me so much, but your hand on my leg.
Although it would be a long time before I would admit it, I already knew what I know today: I fell in love with my best friend . And that was absurd – after all, we had known each other for almost ten years, you and me.
Friendship is something wonderful. It stands for trust and loyalty, laughing and crying. Good and bad times. A team. All things that you would associate with a relationship. Just platonic. But what do you do when the boundaries between friendship and love are blurred?
Falling in love with your best friend sounds like a big movie. Most of the time it is. Just that no one tells you before, which genre evolves from it. Romance or drama?
It is said that with each new love one would win – a soulmate or experience. It’s different when it comes to a relationship with your best friend. If you lose, you lose twice – your partner, but also the person you would actually pour out your heart.
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Anyone who falls in love with his best friend is always at risk. So how do you deal with it when the feelings are suddenly no longer purely friendly nature? Can a relationship with the best friend work? And what if not? I have asked for couple consultant Eric Hegmann.
In love with the best friend: 5 questions to Eric Hegmann
How do I find out if I’ve really fallen in love with my best friend?
“Getting to know a relationship partner – in a simplified way – can happen in two ways: there is the fate-oriented way, that is, sexual attraction, which leads to attachment suddenly and very strongly, also called” love at first sight ” growth-oriented path that begins with sympathy, then grows into affection, friendship, and love, the latter path is more frequent and leads to stable partnerships, but the first is over-romanticized today, even though it usually leads to short-lived relationships that are terminated when the first attractive force subsides and everyday life stops.
So if you think you are in love with your best friend, you are probably experiencing a growth-oriented connection .
However, I know from practice quite cases in which the best friend then became particularly attractive, because you have just experienced a painful separation. Therefore, you should be honest with yourself, whether you are looking for a gap filler, perhaps out of fear of loneliness or even convenience. ”
How do I tell my best friend? Should I even tell him?
“If it’s your best friend, then you can talk to him about everything. Therefore, yes. How? Take courage to address and. That’s even not a marriage proposal, but first a description of the current situation and your feelings. There is nothing dramatic and nothing to be ashamed of, as well as falling in love with a colleague. ”
What is the hard thing about having a relationship with your best friend?
“I do not think that’s so difficult, you know, most relationships do not fail because of too little love, but too little in friendship, and one of the most important pillars of long-term relationships is the deep friendship of the partners Friendship makes it easier to accept the unsolvable conflicts of a partnership, and you are usually arguing with your friends much more respectfully, more prudently and less heatedly than with a partner, where your fear of loss engenders strong emotional behaviors.
In couples therapy, couples often learn to argue with each other like partners rather than enemies, because they are a team that works together and not against each other. Often, however, not much is felt, even when it comes only to the removal of the dryer. So some people would never deal with their friends. ”
How can a friendship continue to function if one does not reciprocate the feelings?
“No one likes to experience rejection, and the more one knows and feels for each other, the more painful it is.” Unfortunately, friendships usually break even more when a partner is secretly in love and the swarm can not assess the changed behaviors and threatens them Something needs to be changed so that something can get better, take advantage of your opportunities and not just see the dangers. “
And what if a relationship breaks down? Can the friendship survive a separation?
In my experience, this has a lot to do with injured self-esteem, whether and how the former partners get along, and ultimately, each relationship has to prove itself at the end, so the history of the partners is not crucial.
But that also has something to do with life and relationship experience. When you are young, a friendship that has been uniting you for five years is perhaps the longest relationship you have had in your life away from your family. But once you’ve seen several friendships come and go during a 20-year relationship, then you rate that differently. ”
A relationship with the best friend means: All In!
Love always means commitment. If it arises for the best friend, he is probably higher – but the profit as well. Let’s be honest: If you’re in love, the feelings will ultimately decide anyway.
Today I know what can happen if you fall in love with your best friend. That many pink, but also many storm clouds are waiting for you. That you will always discover something new about a person you know in and out. That you can achieve a familiarity that will only reach other relationships for years – and that can grow daily. That you will question or even curse decisions.
That you make yourself vulnerable. That you as a couple in the fight go their separate ways to meet again as best friends at the next corner. That a relationship means work – and a friendship for a relationship even more. Most of all, I know that I would not have done anything else on the sofa back then.
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