I’m not playing games with you and I’m not playing hard to get. It’s not that you need to be persistent or ask me three times for me to give you a chance. I don’t want to see you on your knees. You don’t have to beg. I’m not that type of girl.
I’ve had a conversation with myself a long time ago. I know I can’t walk through life alone. I’ve given myself so many chances before and they’ve led me to one thing. They’ve brought me to a realization that I am unlovable. Ok, maybe I might appear easy going at first but that doesn’t last.
I might give you a chance. I might just pull myself together long enough to try and let somebody in. But it backfires in a flash. I run as fast as I can once it gets serious. That’s what I do. I will fight whomever you want and I’ll jump off the highest cliff, but whenever it comes to people, I’m the biggest coward.
There was somebody else once. He was the one to break the ice. He was the one that got farther than anybody else could have imagined. But I’ve broken that, too. I broke the one who loved me the most. I hurt him in ways nobody could imagine. And it haunts me endlessly.
I’m scared to let somebody in. I’m scared to let people see what I am made up of. I don’t want them to know my fears or my insecurities. I lie to them when I say I am ok. If others believe that, I believe it as well. The second people start noticing my insecurities, I start noticing them as well, and that’s when it gets ugly. I get scared of being left alone.
I come from the generation of unlovable ones. I am unlovable. I’m so horribly unlovable. People just find it hard to give their love to me. They find it hard to invest their emotions in me. And I miss love. Boy, I miss it so bad.
But I don’t get to be loved because I don’t know how to love. I get lost in all the emotions going wild in me. I get terrified of the mixture of love and fear. Sometimes I can defer it; sometimes I don’t know which one to hold onto. In that confusion, I decide it’s best to just run away. It’s so much easier to run and save myself than it is to stay and fight my emotions. I tried once and it didn’t work. I lost. I had my life lesson. I don’t dare to try anything with anybody new.
I am emotionally unavailable because I hate leaving broken people behind. It kills me to know that I broke someone’s heart. And I hate to see that same person breaking someone else’s heart because of what I have done.
When you know you’re not good at something, you eventually stop trying. I’m not good at emotionally connecting with people. I suck at it. That’s why I am alone. I am saving others from myself.