This is where my story begins. I won’t skip right to the end because nothing happened overnight. All of this went down a couple of years ago. And at that time, what I thought is going to be a beautiful love story turned into a horror.
A few years ago, my soon to be ex-husband—who turned out to be a complete emotional psycho and an infinite, heartless bastard—saw me with my group of friends at the annual firm thing.. He claimed he fell head over heels for me, so he decided to do something about it.
Now that I look back to that moment, I didn’t do anything and I asked for nothing. He came to me, he courted me and may I say, he knew what he was doing. He was such a perfect gentleman, handsome and eloquent—every woman’s dream. But I didn’t ask for it.
I often imagine what would have happened if I hadn’t come to the dinner, if I had been sick. Then I would never have met him and my life would have gone down a completely different track.
But, I did meet him and what’s even worse, I fell in love with him.
He sweet talked me and crawled his psychotic ass slowly and unnoticeably into my life. He abused me and brought me to my breaking point without me even realizing it.
I thought I was going insane. I double-checked every fucking decision I made—that’s if I was even able to make it. All of that because of his devious self.
These people have a special skill. They are so smooth and sophisticated that you won’t even know you are being abused—at least not until it’s all over and you have to find a way to deal with your brokenness, and heal your mind and your soul from so much evil.
That’s what happened to me. Only when I left, after 7 years of marriage I realized that I was being emotionally abused. I was being used and bullied. In my marriage, I was the unpopular new kid in the school and he was the pretentious and beautiful but abusive jock who turned each new kid’s next day into a living nightmare.
Before I met him, I was really confident. I knew I looked good and that I was smart. I just knew that I could have anything in my life if I worked hard enough for it. Dreams were not only dreams for me. I knew how to turn them into reality.
I wasn’t scared of anything. I knew how to ask for something I wanted badly and I knew how to stick up for myself when I needed to.
I was a social butterfly. I had so many friends and I truly enjoyed hanging out with them, cracking jokes and telling stories.
I was really a whole person. I was happy with myself. That was until it all started to slowly fade.
During our marriage, I started changing. I wasn’t feeling beautiful anymore and I definitely didn’t have the confidence to take on the world anymore. My dreams turned into nightmares which I wanted to end, to just stop.
I began to lock myself in the house because I was scared that if I left, something might happen to me, something that I wouldn’t be able to control. I started to be afraid of life.
I ignored my friends because he brainwashed me into thinking that no one else matters but him. He convinced me that he was the only person in my life I could trust. The truth was so much different from that. He was the only person in my life I should have watched out for.
He made me believe I was responsible for everything. As I already said, emotional psychopaths aren’t always mean. They can sweet talk you and convince you of things and they will never get bored.
One minute, you’re fighting and the other next, he’s hugging you and telling you that it’s okay, it’s not your fault you’re emotional, you can’t help yourself. They actually convince you that you were the one responsible for the fight and they are kind enough to overlook it and forgive you.
He gaslighted me. He made me believe that things which were bright as day were not true, that I was imagining everything. So, one day I read a few texts on his phone which he forgot to delete and I realized he was cheating on me. And when I decided to confront him about it, he turned the tables.
He started yelling at me, telling me that I was insane, that I’m imagining things. This fight went on for a few days. He was convincing me aggressively that I’m wrong, that he didn’t do anything and I read that he did. I read it with my own two eyes. Soon enough I started doubting myself. I felt that maybe, somehow I misread the whole thing.
Maybe it wasn’t his fault after all. You see? It was his plan all along. He didn’t have an excuse for his behavior because I caught him lying, so he created a situation in which he could manipulate me into thinking that I am the crazy one.
He blamed me for everything. Every time he had a problem, he found a way to blame me for that.
If he had troubles at work, he would blame me for them because I’m stressing him out at home.
If he got a speeding ticket, it was my fault once again because I pissed him off, so he drove fast to blow off steam.
He destroyed me. Emotional psychopaths are weak people who have nothing better to do in their lives than to control you. They feed off of control. It gives them power and a feeling they are important.
He fed me with toxic thoughts to prevent me from seeing what a beautiful, smart and strong woman I am, so he could control me more easily. I found myself buying that shit. I really thought I was a nobody without him, so I clung on to him even more closely because I thought he was the best thing I could ever have.
I thought I was broken and no one would love me for me, so I better appreciate him for ‘putting up’ with me. He had the power to make me believe anything he wanted.
He whipped me out. He isolated me from the rest of the world. He convinced me that I didn’t need my friends because I have him. And what was really at stake was that he was so afraid my friends and people who really care for me were going to knock some sense back into my head and open my eyes to see what a jerk he was.
He was afraid they will convince me to do what’s the best for myself and leave him. He had invested so much time making me ‘perfect’ according to his standards to let my friends ruin all of that.
So, you might ask yourself why I put up with all that shit for so long. I wish I could give you a straight answer. I wish I knew the reason why. But, there is one thing I can say to you.
I was in love; I was blinded by love.
I was manipulated so hard that I failed to see what was really going on around me. Combine manipulation and love and here you go – a perfect recipe for a toxic disaster.
There were times when I opened my eyes for a moment and saw the reality for what it was, but part of me ignored it in the hope it would go away and a part of me wanted to fight for him and help him change. But, there is no cure for people like him.
There is no magic wand that will take away the evil mind and turn it into loving and compassionate one. I learned that the hard way. Don’t make the same mistake I did!
The aftermath of dating an emotional psychopath is something you have to deal with. Yes, it was easier to give up. I could have locked myself in my bedroom and lain there until I rotted.
Yes, I could have destroyed myself with alcohol and drugs. Yes, I could have engaged in devious behavior, but where would it all lead? What would I get except an even more pathetic version of myself?
Instead, I decided to move on. I decided to learn my lesson, to take his attempt to completely destroy my life and turn it around to my advantage.
I grew and I swore to myself that I won’t hate myself and never let someone hurt and use me in that way ever again.
Instead of resentment and hatred, I feel pride. I’m very proud of myself. Yes, I fell into his trap. I bought every one of his lies. I was blind by his fake success, but I managed to be my true self at the time I needed to be myself the most.
I proved to myself that no matter how low I sink in my life, no matter if I hit the rock bottom, I can rise again and go back to the place I fell from—and even higher.
I realized I was so fucking strong. I survived living a life with an emotional psychopath and I picked myself up. I learned from my mistakes without anyone’s help. I was on the edge, but I grabbed the last branch and I fought not to fall down.
If it weren’t for him, I would never have seen how much shit I could take in my life. I would never have seen my true worth and I would never have appreciated myself as I do now.
I was strong and independent before, but that’s nothing in comparison with what I am today. And if it weren’t for emotional abuse, for the brainwashing and gaslighting, I would have stayed the same. This way, I grew better, stronger and smarter.
He stayed the same poor and weak psychotic soul, searching for a body to cling on to and suck dry. He will depend on others for the rest of his life. I’m good all by myself. I don’t need a man to define me. I fought in the greatest battle of my life and I won.