Everything he says or does annoys you, his habits are driving you crazy, you can’t look him in the eyes without feeling discomfort, and all you can think is: I hate my boyfriend.
You don’t know when or how this happened, but you know that nothing is the same anymore.
Being in a relationship with him no longer makes you happy and the feeling of helplessness pervades your body.
He used to be your best friend, partner in crime, and an amazing boyfriend, but now you want someone to explain to you what exactly changed.
How did you start hating your boyfriend? Did it happen overnight?
What is the real reason you no longer see him the same way you did before? And most importantly, what can you do about it?
To these, and many other questions, you’ll find the answers below:
1. Do you hate him for what he did/does or for who he is?
You’re probably familiar with that wise, old saying: “There’s a reason behind every action.”
There’s also a reason why you hate your boyfriend, and you need to ask yourself whether you hate him for what he did or does, or for who he is?
Simply put, you need to ask yourself whether you hate him for his actions or you hate him as a person, because there’s a big difference between the two.
Has he cheated on you, lied to you, manipulated you, or taken you for granted? Have you been the victim of emotional abuse?
Has he stopped making an effort in the relationship and now you’re the only one trying to save what’s left of it?
Do you hate him for all that, or do you hate him for some other reasons that you can’t put into words?
If you can’t think of any other reason why you hate him, chances are you no longer like him as a person (or you never even liked him).
WHAT TO DO
Every relationship has its ups and downs and overcoming them is the ultimate goal. If you hate him for his actions and it’s evident that his behaviour has changed for the worse, tell him so.
If you still feel hurt about something he did to you, don’t pretend that everything is okay because it’s not.
It’s normal to feel hatred toward him for treating you like shit and you should let him know how you feel.
Tell him how you really feel about his actions and try to find a solution.
Anything is possible if the person is willing to change. You know what they say: “Where there is a will, there is a way”!
But, if you hate him as a person, there’s not much you can do about it.
It means you hate him for who he is. You hate his way of thinking, breathing, and his habits are driving you crazy.
It means you don’t like his vibe and his personality and that’s why you feel like you hate him.
You don’t really hate him, but it’s evident that you don’t like him. In that case, a break up is often inevitable (unless you start liking him (again)).
2. Do you have high or unrealistic expectations of your partner?
He doesn’t spend enough time with you (according to your standards), he doesn’t share your sexual interests, moods, or interests. He never or seldom writes I love you on social media.
When he fails to do something you expect of him, the only thing you can think is: I hate you! When he does meet your standards, the only thing you can think is: I love you!
Your moods shift in accordance with his ability to meet your expectations and that’s the biggest warning sign that you have unrealistic expectations of your relationship.
Do you think he should spend all of his free time or every single day with you?
Do you think he should agree with everything you want in the relationship because his priority should be making you happy?
Do you feel devastated and betrayed when he refuses or forgets to do something you wanted him to?
If yes, then you’re suffering from a syndrome called “having unrealistic expectations of a partner in a relationship”.
WHAT TO DO
First things first, you need to understand that a happy relationship is not about spending all of your time together or about expecting your partner to do everything as you please.
Rather, it is about also having your own lives outside the relationship and respecting each other’s wishes and differences.
That’s how every healthy relationship works. Compromise, understanding, patience.
Spending a lot of time with your significant other or them meeting your every expectation is not a recipe for happiness.
It is a recipe for disaster – and that’s the main reason why you feel hatred toward him.
You hate him because he’s incapable of filling the role you want for him. But, relationships are not about roles or expectations.
They’re about understanding each other’s wishes and needs, being patient, and being willing to compromise instead of imposing your own regimen.
Once you realize all that, your perspective will completely change.
You will no longer hate your partner for not meeting your expectations, but you will give him some space to express himself and feel free to be who he really is.
3. Are you highly sensitive, anxious or depressed?
Mental health plays a crucial role in every relationship. As someone who is highly sensitive and suffers from anxiety disorder, I can tell for sure that this can greatly influence our behaviour and perception of our partners.
If you’re highly sensitive, every single thing they do will drive you crazy.
You will hate all kinds of sounds they make while they’re sleeping (not to mention their snoring).
You will hate the way they start fidgeting when you watch TV together and you will sometimes even hate the way they breathe while they are sitting next to you.
All this will vary depending on the levels of your sensitivity.
No one day is the same and sometimes things that previously annoyed you will go unnoticed.
If you suffer from anxiety or depression, you will sometimes unwittingly blame your partner for it.
You might blame them for trivial things and for your current mood.
When your levels of anxiety and depression increase, you might feel hatred toward your partner for no apparent reason.
When you’re feeling sad, alone and lost, you subconsciously start observing everything from a no-so-bright perspective.
WHAT TO DO
Being highly sensitive, anxious or depressed is a serious condition that sometimes must be treated with medication.
In my case, practicing a healthy lifestyle, hitting the gym regularly, eating healthy food, and expressing myself (drawing, writing, singing) have all helped reduce my anxiety to an acceptable level.
When it comes to relationships and this specific matter, the most important thing to do is to understand your mental state; why you sometimes feel the way you’re feeling.
When you’re able to understand that feeling sad or sensitive is not connected with your partner, but with your current state of mind, you will succeed in differentiating between the two.
Hating the condition you’re in often results in hating your partner.
That’s why it’s important to separate these two things, stop for a moment, and ask yourself: Why do I feel the way I’m feeling?
Take a deep breath and think about all the emotions, feelings, and thoughts going through your head.
Then ask yourself whether they have anything to do with your partner.
You’ll probably realize that all this is in your head and you don’t really hate your partner – you just hate the feeling of helplessness and confusion.
4. Do you think your partner is responsible for your happiness?We often unwittingly put our happiness into someone else’s hands.
We often think that our significant other is responsible for our happiness.
And when they don’t make us happy, we blame them for that.
We start to hate them and we think they’re no longer good for us.
If they can’t make us happy, they haven’t fulfilled their “duty” and we have every right to be mad at them.
At least that’s what we think. But, the reality is somewhat different.
The truth is the only person who is responsible for your happiness is you!
Low self-esteem and lack of self-worth can sometimes trick you into believing that you’re not capable of being happy on your own. That you need others to introduce you to the term called happiness.
You put your well-being, your feelings, and everything else in other people’s hands and you hold them responsible if they fail to make you happy.
WHAT TO DO
If you think your partner is responsible for your happiness, you need to start working on embracing and understanding your true self. You are enough!
You need to understand that you’re perfectly capable of being happy on your own and you should never put your own happiness in the hands of others.
This doesn’t mean they shouldn’t make you happy. But it should be a result of their willingness and not a necessity.
Your partner is a human being who is not obliged to make you happy, but rather wants to make you happy.
And there’s a huge difference between the two. When you think of it as a must, it creates hatred and frustration.
But, when you think of it as a gift, it creates understanding and appreciation.
5. Do you agree with his lifestyle?You want to go for a run, but he wants to play video games.
Your day is filled with fun activities and obligations, while his main occupation is laying on a couch and watching Netflix.
You’re trying your best to live a holistic lifestyle, eat healthy food, exercise, and improve yourself, while he’s going through life with minimum effort and willingness.
You’ve become disappointed in his way of living and the first thing to pop up in your brain is: God, I hate my boyfriend.
You wish he was more active or that he spent less time playing video games.
You wish he was a real man, capable of and willing to take care of himself and work on himself.
The longer you ignore all this and pretend it’s not a big deal, the more hatred accumulates.
You don’t agree with his lifestyle and you wish something would change, but you don’t know how to initiate it because everything you try ends up in accusations or judging. Is there a way to deal with this successfully? Let’s see.
WHAT TO DO
If you don’t agree with his lifestyle because he’s doing harm to his own well-being by smoking too much, eating junk food, and being a couch potato, you have every right to acknowledge it. But, you should do it in a non-accusing way.
Tell him that you’re worried about him and that you wish he was more productive and engaged.
Motivate him to roll up his sleeves and start working on himself, but don’t give him ultimatums.
After you’ve tried everything, if still nothing changes and you’re not happy with his way of living, you should seriously reconsider your decision to be with him in the first place.
It’s hard to watch someone you care about destroying themselves without even trying to make things better.
But, everyone has a right to choose their own lifestyle and if you don’t approve of it, you also have a right to choose not to put up with it.
6. Do you have difficulty acknowledging your part in conflicts?
Sometimes we get so occupied with our partners that we fail to acknowledge our own mistakes.
We give all out=r attention to what they’re doing thus missing what we are doing.
Do you think your boyfriend is the only one to blame when the conflict arises?
Do you think the only things to influence your relationship are his words and actions?
“It takes two to tango.” It also takes two to be in a relationship and to fight.
Perhaps you hate your boyfriend because you’re convinced that he’s the main villain in your relationship and he’s the only one who should apologize after a conflict or when something bad happens.
Perhaps you refuse to acknowledge your part in it, accept the consequences for your actions, and apologize if you have to.
WHAT TO DO
If this is the case, you need to stop thinking of your relationship as a unit where one partner is wrong and the other one is right. No one’s wrong and no one’s right.
You need to stop thinking that you’re always right and that your partner is the one to blame for everything. Every relationship is a mix of ups and downs.
Both partners make mistakes and what’s important is that they apologize for it and they do their best to make things right. Effort is the keyword here.
Instead of focusing on hating your boyfriend after every conflict, focus on trying to understand what happened and how you can make it right with mutual effort. And that’s the key to a happy relationship.
And the final question:
Do you think you would be happier with someone else? Why?
Let me rephrase this:
Do you hate your boyfriend because you’re unhappy with him or because you think there is someone better out there for you?
Do you often fantasize about being in a perfect relationship with someone else?
We human beings often forget that perfection doesn’t exist.
We get convinced that what we have in front of us is not worthy of our time and effort because there’s something better out there that won’t require fixing.
We delude ourselves into thinking that the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. But, it’s not.
Every relationship demands effort, sacrifice and patience.
The easiest thing you can do is to break up with someone and hope that the next relationship won’t be so demanding.
The easiest thing you can do is to repeat in your head I hate my boyfriend and decide not to do anything about it.
Trying to finish a battle before it has even started is what weak soldiers do. But, you’re not like that. You’re not a weak soldier.
You’re a strong woman who will do her best to find out why she’s feeling a certain way about her boyfriend, and who will try to fix things together (if you still care about saving your relationship).
After all that, if you still feel like there’s something missing, you will finish your battle gracefully and like a real soldier.
You won’t dwell upon the thought ‘What if’. You will sail into the future with an open mind and a brave heart, knowing you did everything you could.