I know you’re asking yourself where everything went wrong. I know you’re faced with your past, and you have no idea which wrong move you made. I know you’re asking yourself and God: “How did this happen?”
I know you’re tired of putting a fake smile on your face. You’re tired of pretending everything is fine. You’re so fed up with giving automatic answers to the question: “How are you doing?” “Yes, I’m fine, I’m great!” you say, thinking and wishing for all the questions to finally stop.
I know that when you come home, when your days becomes less turbulent, and when you give your mind some space to wander, it wanders directly to him!
I understand how much pain you carry in your heart. I know how many scars a hurt person can hide. You keep your pain all to yourself. You’re hurting, you’re falling apart, and no one sees it.
Please, resist your urges to contact him. Please swear at yourself when your hands reach for the phone to check his social media. Curse, shout, go outside—do literally anything you can think off, but don’t crack under the pressure.
It’s just emptiness talking from the inside. It’s loneliness. It’s that feeling of being unwanted. And every time it happens, you come running back to the last thing you were sure of—you come running back to him.
Although you know he is not the same person anymore, although you know he is not worthy of you nor is he good enough to be wandering around your mind, you can’t let him go.
Deep inside, you’re hoping he’ll change. You’re hoping he wants to become the person you fell in love with once again, but he doesn’t. He still blames you. He is still sticking to his story. He needs someone to release his anger and frustration on.
He’ll never apologize. He’ll never change.
I don’t blame you for hoping he’ll come around. He wasn’t such an asshole the whole time. There were moments when he was kind and sweet, when he showed you how much he cared, when he held you in his hand like you were a fragile flower, protecting you from everything, keeping you safe from the world.
There is a story I once read, and in that story, there was a sweet little boy who found a fox. That fox was scared of him, that fox was from the wilderness. That fox needed to be sure that once the boy tamed her, he won’t leave her. And there was something that the fox said to the Little Prince that got me thinking of you:
“To me, you are still nothing more than a little boy who is just like a hundred thousand other little boys. And I have no need of you. And you, on your part, have no need of me. To you, I am nothing more than a fox like a hundred thousand other foxes. But if you tame me, then we shall need each other. To me, you will be unique in all the world. To you, I shall be unique in all the world.” – Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince
He should have done the same. He who tamed you, whom you trusted. You should have been his unique person, someone he would never hurt and let go of.
He never kept the promise he made. He didn’t protect you from the pain. He caused you pain. And slowly your relationship became one-sided.
He didn’t give a damn about you, and you were still picking up the mess after him, hoping he’ll see how much pain he’s causing you. You were swallowing the tears, hoping he’ll come around.
And every now and then, he brings that sweet side of him, and he comes knocking at your door. And every now and then, you take him in, you trust him, and he hurts you all over again.
This time, don’t go back to him. Don’t allow yourself to be hurt and broken again. I know you’re still carrying the weight of it on your shoulders, but it’s only a matter of time before you’re going to crack under pressure and break beyond repair.
This time you have to stay strong. You mustn’t let yourself yield. He is your weak spot. He is your kryptonite. Don’t let him destroy you for good because he’s going to.
Keep fighting your internal battles. Let your heart and your head argue, and help the reason prevail. It’s the best you can do. It’s your last chance for happiness.
Please, if he was the last man standing, don’t go back to him.
You’ve already come so far. Don’t destroy everything you’ve built so far. Please, don’t go back to him.