For too long, I was ashamed of things I let you do to me. For too long, I was ashamed that I was so blind to you cheating around, that I was so blind to all of your manipulations and games you played with me and with my mind, until the point where I no longer knew what the real truth was and what was YOUR truth.
But not anymore. Because it’s not my fault I loved you. It’s not my fault I trusted you. That’s the way I am and that’s probably why you choose me. And that’s probably why you knew I’ll be silent about all the things that happened behind our closed door.
But no more.
I refuse to keep on sweeping the dirt under the mat. I refuse to keep on hiding my pain behind the smile. I refuse to keep on telling everyone that we ended because things simply never worked out. We ended because you are one hell of an asshole who only looked for a little bit of fun.
And what fun that was. My tears, the pain and lost look on my face when you made me question my sanity. My insecurities that were drowning me more and more until I completely forgot all the things I loved about myself.
I forgot how funny I can be because with you, I no longer laughed. I forgot how smart I am because your toxic words made me feel like the stupidest person alive. Every time I accomplished something, you belittled it. You made fun of it. You made fun of me. Every time I busted my ass off for something, you assured me that you could’ve done it with one finger.
For too long, I was ashamed of admitting that I stayed with someone so toxic.
For too long, I was ashamed of admitting that I willingly stayed with someone so abusive.
But no more.
Because honey, after you, hell seems so easy. Hell looks like a flower field where birds are singing and a nice breeze is blowing. Hell looks like a dream come true, after the nightmare I lived with you. At least, when you are in hell you know what you did. You know the reason why you are there.
But I never knew what I did to make you treat me the way you have. I gave you everything I had. I gave you my heart, my soul, my mind and my body. You had it all, but it wasn’t enough for you. You weren’t happy until you destroyed every single piece of me. You weren’t happy until you broke me to the point where I couldn’t even breathe in. I was silently crying, trying to catch my breath, trying to make you see that I’m the one who loves you. Trying to make you see that I’m better than her.
But this was never about me or her. This was simply about you finding a new victim for your twisted games. This was simply about you doing what you do best – fucking people up.
For too long, I was ashamed of telling my friends the truth.
For too long, I was ashamed of telling the truth to myself.
Now… it’s just a distant echo of old pain and embarrassment. There are still flashbacks of the nightmare I lived with you—all the worst ones, of course. You never spared yourself when it came to breaking me.
The first time I let someone near, I was shaking. The first time he tried to hug me, I flinched. I fucking flinched, thinking he would hit me. Thinking that he would do the same thing to me like you did. And at that moment, when I saw the look of brokenness on his face, I realized that you are still too strong in my mind to move on. I realized that I need to completely erase you if I want to move on.
So I made a list of every single thing you did to me. Every time you humiliated me. Every time you made me feel less worthy and every time you took away a piece of my worth. Every time your words made me cry and now, once again they did the same. And lastly, every time your action caused pain so strong that I couldn’t breathe in. Pain so strong that it shook me to my core. And it did once again.
I burned the list. I burned the past. And I burned the memory of you.
And as much as it sounds cliché, I rose out of that fire like a phoenix. Brighter and stronger than ever. And more ready to conquer the world, since I’ve already conquered hell.