15 Signs He’s Playing Us Hot And Cold (& 5 He’s Just Busy)

ThoughtCatalogs April 17, 2019

0 530 12 minutes read

We all want a love story that is fairly simple and consistent: we meet a great person who is kind and everything that we’re looking for, we like each other, we go on dates and define the relationship, and then we settle into a serious relationship. We don’t stare at our phone a million times a day wondering if he’s going to text us, and we don’t have to question whether date nights are even going to happen. We don’t have to wonder about anything because he’s so straight-forward with us about how he feels.

Unfortunately, that’s not always the way that things go. We’ve all experienced dating a guy who acts one way sometimes and another the rest of the time. It can seem like he’s two people or even more than that, and it’s definitely confusing. When a guy acts this way, there’s only one way to put it: he’s playing us hot and cold.

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Of course, in some cases, he could be a really good guy… and he’s just busy. But we need to know how to tell the difference. Here are 15 signs that he’s playing us hot and cold… and 5 that he’s just busy- meaning we still have a chance at romance.

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20Hot And Cold: His Texting Style Is Unpredictable

Whether we like to put our phone away so we can focus during the day or can’t help but check Instagram a lot, we know that we all rely on our cell phones often. This is especially true in the dating world.

Therefore, we can be sure that a guy is playing us both ways when we just can’t figure out his texting style.

Some weeks, he texts us every day and even multiple times a day. Other weeks, he doesn’t contact us at all, and we wonder why we’re not hearing from him. If he was truly interested in a relationship, he would be texting the same way all of the time.

19Hot And Cold: Some Dates He’s Romantic, Others He Cancels

We’ve all dated someone like this before: he could be so romantic and amazing and charming on one date… and then cancel the next one. It’s confusing and later on, with the benefit of hindsight, we wonder why we were so interested.

It’s because we love who he is when he keeps a date, when he’s sweet, and when he makes an effort. We hope that he’ll be like that all of the time. But we deserve to be with a guy who never cancels a date and who always wants to see us when he said that he will. We need something consistent.

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18Hot And Cold: He’s Still Dating Other Girls

It’s common to define the relationship (or DTR) after a little while because we’re not sure if we’re the only girl that this guy is dating. We assume that we are (and we really, really hope that we are).

Since some people prefer casual dating or they’re using dating apps, it’s crucial to figure out if exclusivity is on the table or not.

The truth is when he’s dating other girls, even when it’s clear that we seem to like each other and should be close to saying that we’re boyfriend and girlfriend now, his heart isn’t in the relationship. He’s playing us hot and cold. If he wasn’t, he would DTR already. Whether he wants “options” or isn’t sure about his feelings, it’s not pleasant or fun.

17He’s Just Busy: When He Does Text Us, He’s Really Sweet And Genuine

We’ve been seeing a new guy for a little while and we wonder if he’s actually interested. He seems great and we have lots of fun together… but there are a few little things that give us pause when it comes to whether this will become a love story or not.

He could honestly be a busy person (or going through a busy time in his life) if he doesn’t text us all of the time, but when he does, he’s sweet and genuine. We don’t get the feeling that he’s playing a game or that he’s faking anything. Maybe he has a really demanding career and honestly can’t text all day long. That doesn’t mean that things can’t work out between us.

16Hot And Cold: He Says We Can Talk About Making Things Official Later (And Never Wants To)

Maybe you’re ready for a relationship because you’ve been single for a while and want to find love or you’ve just gotten out of a tough situation but have been in the right headspace for something real for a while.

There’s a problem, though: the guy who you’ve been dating doesn’t want to make things official.

You bring it up and never get the reply that you’re searching for, which is “You’re awesome and I want you to be my girlfriend.” He says that we can talk about this in the future but that never happens. He’s playing us hot and cold and it doesn’t seem likely that this will be a relationship. He should be able to define things. It’s as simple as that because that’s what we deserve.

15Hot And Cold: He Brings Up The Future In A Vague Way, Making Us Unsure How He Feels

It’s easy to think that a guy wants to be in a serious and long-term relationship with us if he’s talking about the future. The problem is if he’s not talking about it in a concrete and legitimate way.

He might say that we should go to Paris next year and then he never mentions booking the trip or the subject never comes up again. He says we’ll start seeing each other more often and then, the next day, explains that he’s too busy for that. His actions are the total opposite of his words and that’s not something that we need to deal with.

14Hot And Cold: He Mentions Parties And Social Events… Then Doesn’t Invite UsThere is nothing worse than when a friend mentions an amazing party that she’s going to or says she’s getting people together at a fabulous restaurant for her birthday… and then we don’t get an invitation. We feel slighted and insulted and wonder why she brought it up in the first place. No one wants to be excluded.

A guy is playing you when he’s always mentioning parties and events that he’s going to and then never asks you to join him.

Every time, you feel hopeful, thinking this is the time that he’ll finally ask you. But the invites never come and it feels awful.

13He’s Just Busy: He’s Devoted To His Job

It’s possible that the guy that we’ve been seeing really does want us to be his girlfriend. He’s just been busy with work because he’s totally devoted to his career.

There are some people who are so committed to what they do and have such an amazing work ethic that it can be all-consuming at times. This might be why we think that he’s such an interesting and attractive person. As long as he tells us how he feels, is honest and real, and he starts seeing us more often and allows the relationship to progress, it should be all good.

12Hot And Cold: His Friends Know Who We Are Or We’ve Hung Out With Them

Has this guy introduced us to his friends? More than that, do we spend quite a lot of time with them and we’re a part of many group hang-outs? It can be exciting and make us think that we’re almost in a serious relationship.

This can be totally deceiving since it makes us feel like he is interested in making us his girlfriend.

After all, why would he have introduced us to his friends if that wasn’t the case? The only thing is that he’s not acting like our boyfriend and he’s not calling us his girlfriend, either. We don’t need to be in such a confusing situation, that’s for sure.

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11Hot And Cold: He Says He Wants To Get Married Someday And Yet We’ve Never Been On A Real Date With Him

Many of us want to get married and have thought about that day for a long time. It’s awesome news to hear that a guy that we like wants to get married. We would assume that when the guy that we’re dating tells us that, he might be thinking that we could be husband and wife in the future.

But have you gone on an actual date with him? We know that he’s a game player when we’ve never gone on a traditional dinner and a movie date or even any kind of date (just hung out casually) and yet he’s saying that he wants to get married someday. Those are some confusing mixed signals.

10Hot And Cold: Sometimes He Remembers Things About Us And Other Times, He’s Totally Blank

Excitement is an understatement when our crush remembers the funny story we told him the last time that we hung out or, really, anything about us. We assume that means that he’s just as into us as we are into him and we basically want to scream (but we’ll smile and stay calm on the outside, of course).

It’s upsetting when sometimes he remembers what we’ve talked about and other times, he looks blank when we bring up a previous conversation.

We wonder why he doesn’t recall that we had an hour-long talk about something or that we’ve told him that we’re an only child about five times now. He’s not serious about us when this is happening.

9He’s Just Busy: He Says He Wants A Relationship And Seems Genuine

When a guy tells us that he wants to be in a relationship with us, we should definitely believe him. It’s rare that a guy will say this and actually not want that at all because typically, guys who don’t love commitment never bring the topic up.

This guy is just busy (and still interested in us) when he says he can see himself dating us seriously and that he thinks we have a future together. Sure, he might be busy right now, and we might wish that we could have more frequent date nights. But all signs point to this being something good.

8Hot And Cold: We Can Never Totally Relax When We Spend Time With Him

We know how we feel when we’re with the right guy: completely at home and peaceful. It’s kind of like a warm drink on the worst winter day ever or a relaxing yoga class. We feel the opposite when we’re with someone who is playing us hot and cold. We never feel relaxed and it always seems like something awkward or upsetting is about to happen.

This is a sign that we’re not with the right person, even if we like him and even if things seem promising.

We should always be really comfortable around someone if we’re going to be in a relationship with them.

7Hot And Cold: We Feel Like He’s Always About To Say Something Profound And Romantic… But It Never Happens

We swear that the next time that this guy says something to us, it’s going to be something that is so romantic it will make every rom-com or drama pale in comparison. We just have this feeling and he can be so charming, we think that he’s going to give us the best speech ever.

Will he say that we’re the girl that he’s been waiting for? Will he finally ask us to be his girlfriend?

These things just don’t happen and every time we hang out with him, we think that they will. And every time, they just don’t. We need someone who is much more stable than that.

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6Hot And Cold: We Like Another Guy But Keep Wishing That This One Would Start Acting Like A Legit Boyfriend

People talk about “the one that got away” and we might think that this guy will become that if we start dating someone else. We have lots of “what if’s” running through our heads. Let’s say that we met another guy and like him and we know that we could start a relationship with him.

Something is holding us back, though, and that’s this guy.

We keep wishing that we could date him and that he would start acting like a real, actual boyfriend. This is proof that we’re being played hot and cold. If we weren’t, he would be our boyfriend.

5He’s Just Busy: He Does Text Us First And Initiates Dates

We can remind ourselves that if he wasn’t interested, we would never hear from him, and we would never go on dates. The fact that we’re still going out with him proves how he feels.

4Hot And Cold: Every Time We See Him, We Feel It Could Be The Day He Says We’re His Girlfriend

When we realize that this is the situation that we’re in, it’s a sign that we’re being played.

He’s acting hot and cold because we assume that he likes us enough to make things official and then it just doesn’t happen. We have enough hope to keep hanging out with him. It’s best to figure this out soon so we can move on. We should never have to wonder about this. If a guy wants us to be his girlfriend, he needs to be honest and say it.

3Hot And Cold: He Sweet Talks Us Then Talks About His Ex-Girlfriend

We would never want to date someone who isn’t nice to us. The problem is that this guy is nice and he has moments where he is very caring and romantic. A few moments later, though, he brings up a story involving his ex-girlfriend.

This is super confusing. Does he even like us? Why is he talking about her? Shouldn’t he be focusing on us instead of his past? We know that he’s playing us hot and cold when we’re not 100 percent sure that he is only interested in us. He’s a charmer, but he could still be into his ex.

2He’s Just Busy: He Says He Wishes He Had More Time For Us Right Now

Sometimes we hear a guy say that he’s too busy with work to date us. It could be a reason for blowing us off. But if a guy is truly into us and he’s really just tied up with work or other commitments at the moment, he’s going to tell us that he wishes that he had more time for us.

This is only good if he really does make time for us once his schedule opens up, though.

Maybe he can see us once a week for a month or so and we can slowly work up to becoming more serious. Once he stops being so frazzled, he sees us a few times a week. That’s when we know that he was telling the truth and really was just busy.

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1Hot And Cold: He Says His Family Would Love Us But Never Introduces Us

There are so many ways that someone can get our hopes up. They swear that they like us and yet are talking to other girls, canceling dates, and never want to define the relationship. Another thing that a guy who is playing a game will do is say that his family would really love us but never introduce us.

This is one of the indicators that things won’t go as we expected with this guy. We can remember that we don’t deserve to be played hot and cold and that there is someone out there who wouldn’t act this way. It’ll be so amazing to meet and fall in love with him.