I used to count the days when I would get to meet you, to hold you, to hear you laugh in person, and to finally make memories. I used to tell you my dreams and how I could see us together years and years later. I used to wake up knowing somewhere on the other side of the world … you were there waiting for me too. For a whole year, we faced the world together. Alarm clocks became phone calls, morning coffee became dates, and suddenly we lived our lives side by side each waking minute.
How do I break a habit that grew from love? How do I wake up with a silent alarm or have coffee without thinking about you? I don’t know where to start to heal when everything around me was a plan for both of us. Were the dreams and moments just mine alone?
I never loved you by time. It didn’t matter if I had five seconds or fifty years. I loved you by every passing moment. I loved you for every morning coffee, breakfast and dinner dates, every videocall, every text message, and every joke. I loved you through every “I love you” right before hanging up. I loved you for every time you woke me up because I was going to be late for work. And for the moments, we would kiss to make up. Most importantly, I loved you for every dream that we could be.
Maybe that was just it. I fell in love with the potential.
But now, I’m ready to finally write my last letter to you. This is my weak field, my vulnerability, and my letting go. Are you ready, my love? because this is the big one:
Thank you for the dreams. You allowed me to see a future that was possible. I learned to navigate my heart in ways I never thought I could with the best shot I had. I was committed to you and to the dream that one day we could make it. I saw your potential to be my for life, but you only saw the ending before we even started. I’m not bitter anymore because I realized if I could dream so much with you… imagine how much I could turn those dreams into reality with someone who is real to me.
Thank you for the moments. The kind that flares up your heart at 4 am in the morning. The moments that allowed me to learn you and myself too. The type that makes you realize how much of a privilege it is to fall in love. Thank you for the moments that brought me down on bended knees so I can tell God thank you for bringing me you. Though, He sees me now trying to pick up my pieces… I know He is proud of me and the way that I loved you.
You see, sometimes we end up with people who cannot love us back and commit to us the same way.
Sometimes we want to understand others so we can forgive and think there’s no such thing as perfect. But for those moments … to me, we were.
So, I keep with me those perfect moments. The ones that made me smile and laugh. The ones that allowed me to love fully without any expectations or conditions. I keep with me our memories and know that there will be no more. I will keep your love for me, just as you left it… so that I can forgive and heal completely and remember the love that could and the privilege that it was. In the hopes that someday, you’ll get to love someone the way that I loved you… unconditionally and faithfully in perfect moments.