To The Man Who Loved Drugs More Than Me
I was the one who was keeping you alive when you didn’t give a damn about your life.
Trying all possible and impossible tricks to win you over again.
To actually stay with me. With our son.
I remember texting you and calling you for thousands of times. I thought you will come if I say we have an emergency.
But no. I didn’t get an answer to any call or any message. Something else was more important than your son and me.
You chose to live a life like this. You chose drugs over me.
And I was stupid enough to put up with all that crap you did to me.
I stopped thinking about myself. I stopped taking care of myself. The only thing I was thinking of was you.
But you didn’t know you should cherish that.
Your top priority was drugs and your next fix. You just wanted to feel high again no matter what I would say about that.
I hated the new you. I hated the man you transformed into.
That wasn’t the same man I once fell in love with.
I want him back, can you hear me?
Can’t you see that I am desperate because you are ruining everything we built so far? I don’t want to give up that easy. I am a fighter; you should have known that by now.
Even though you are not here, I will take care of our son. He will never know that he wasn’t his father’s priority. That would tear his heart. And that wouldn’t be my purpose.
I still can’t understand how you could say that you love me and then vanish for days.
While I was crying in front of the mirror, watching the mix of mascara and my tears, you were high. And that was the best feeling ever for you.
It took me some time to actually see that you will always love drugs more than me.
And unfortunately, I couldn’t do anything about that.
I hated you but I loved you at the same time.
Every time when you would come home, I wanted to slap you so hard but instead of that, I hugged you, feeling your smell and telling you everything will be okay.
You were such a good actor. You deceived me so many times. But after all those years of agony I realized no matter how much I fight for you, I can’t help you if you are pushing me away.
And that is what you did. You pushed away all those nice moments spent together. You didn’t give a damn about me anymore. And anything I do will not convince you of the opposite.
I can’t sit here any longer watching you ruining your life. And even this is breaking my heart. I have to leave you.
Maybe you will realize that you are alone when you come back to an empty home.
Maybe you will actually think about your life. And maybe you will give yourself another shot.
‘Cause baby, I know I won’t!