I always knew that you were a man of few words. You always had trouble verbalizing your emotions and opening up to someone, even if that someone was me. This quality of yours caused a lot of trouble in our relationship. I was never sure where I stood with you and I could never be certain of your feelings and this would drive me crazy.
When I come to think about it, we never actually fought. Whenever there was something bothering you regarding me, you would stay quiet about it, so I was the only one dealing with all our problems. In the meantime, I would spend hours and sometimes days trying to figure out what went wrong and what I did wrong. I was constantly questioning myself while trying to reach you. And of course, I never managed to do that, because you never let me in. No matter how hard I tried, you were always distant and I simply didn’t know how to change that.
Of course, I also questioned your emotions and our relationship. Although you never said it out loud, deep down, I firmly hoped that you loved me. And whenever I confronted you about this, you would tell me that you were by my side and that this was proof enough of your love for me. Although I always wanted more of you, I settled for little crumbs of your love and affection.
I’d tried to change this about you but I never succeeded. When I come to think about it, I never knew much about you. You never shared anything with me and I would have to assume some things about you. But I never knew if you loved me for real and I never knew if you were scared to lose me. With time, somehow I got used to you. I learned to accept you for who you were and I accepted that you’d never be someone who talked about his emotions.
But I also accepted that our relationship had an expiration date. I knew that we’d break apart sooner or later because a relationship like this was anything but sustainable. And I knew you’d be the one to walk away from me, because I would never have the strength to do something like that. And the only thing I prayed for was that you didn’t walk away without saying a word.
And that was exactly what you did and by doing that, you brought to realization one of my biggest fears.
After all the years we spent together, you left me without ever saying goodbye, without giving me any kind of explanation. And that hurt me more than anything I went through in our relationship.
By doing this, you left me hanging and waiting for you to come back. At first, I didn’t know what has happened. I didn’t know if you had really left or you just needed a break from the relationship. So, I kept waiting for you to come back to me as if nothing had happened. I was constantly waiting for you to call me, for you to show up. I put my life on hold and myself on pause because I didn’t know what had hit me and I didn’t know what to expect.
At first, I was in a state of shock. And when that initial shock and denial passed, desperation began. I couldn’t help but wonder why you didn’t have the desire and the courage to tell me that you were leaving me. Didn’t I mean anything to you? Didn’t I deserve an explanation, a goodbye at least? Didn’t our relationship deserve a better ending?
By doing this, you acted like we were never a thing, like we never existed. You showed me how irrelevant and insignificant I was to you all that time. You left me without closure and that is something I could never forgive you for. You left me thinking about all the reasons that brought you to this decision and wondering what it was that I did wrong.
And most of all, you changed my opinion of you. Despite everything, I’d always appreciated you. And I kind of admired you for not being as sensitive as I was. But now I see that you are actually just an immature boy. I see that you are a coward who didn’t have the guts or the courage to face me after all the years we’d spent together. It was easier for you to simply run away.
And not once have you thought about how all of this would affect me. You left me all alone trying to pick up the pieces of our relationship and you left me all alone looking for closure. You showed your selfish and cruel side and that is the last thing I deserved from you.
But now I know that all of this has been in vain and without a point. The only thing I can do and have to do is move on. Regardless of the way you did everything, the fact is that you left me and that you will never again be a part of my life. And that is something I need to learn to deal with.