When you told me you were leaving, I felt like I couldn’t breathe. My whole body was aching and numb at the same time. I felt like the ground under my feet disappeared, and there was no one who could catch my hands and stop me from falling down. I got lost in the dark voids of pain you caused, and you never even looked back. Not for a second, just to check if I was still breathing. You left without giving me a chance to understand. You left me thinking that I wasn’t good enough, that my love wasn’t good enough for you. You left me thinking that it was about me, when the truth was that it was you. It was you who decided that we were not worth it, it was you who decided that you’d be better off with her.
I sometimes wonder if you think of me while you’re lying with her in bed? Do you remember the good times we had while you’re laughing with her? Do you remember the love in my eyes or the pain when you were leaving? Do you remember how quickly that spark in them went out when you walked away? Do you look at her and see me? Do you wonder what my heart looked like, once you broke it?
It’s bruised and scarred. It was shattered into so many pieces that I was afraid I’d never get it back together. I was running around trying to collect all of the pieces, trying to glue them together, just so I could keep on living. I was running, but I was still stuck in one place. I was still holding onto our relationship, holding onto the hope that maybe you’d come back. And it took me too long to realize that it’s time to let go. Of you, of us, of our love. It’s time to let go of the weight that’s pinning me in one place, the weight that’s making it impossible for me to move on.
It’s still coming together. I’m still trying to find a way to glue it back together. I’m still trying to love myself enough to hold it in one piece. I’m still trying hard to see myself the way I used to. To see that amazing woman I once was. To see that woman who feared nothing, the woman who loved unconditionally. I’m still working on letting someone in, because I really want to believe that they won’t hurt me. I really want to believe that not everyone is like you. Not everyone will lead me only to leave me. Not everyone will use my love to destroy me.
It’s still guarded with walls. Walls so thick and high that not even the sunshine could come through. At one point, they were the only things that were keeping me safe. The only things that were keeping me in one piece. But they’re tumbling down. They’re fading away, just like the bruises you caused. They’re going away, just like the memory of you. Just like the feeling of your lips on mine, of my hand in yours. They’re leaving together with the pieces of you that were still lingering in me.
It’s still here. I’m still here. I’m still standing, hoping and believing. I’m still loving. Loving myself, loving life, loving pain. I refuse to let you take me away, to break me completely, because I’m stronger than that. I’m stronger than the pain, I’m stronger than all of the memories that are haunting me. I loved you, and I will always love you in a certain kind of way. But it’s time I let someone else in. It’s time to let down my walls and let love in. It’s time for me to fall in love, no matter how scary it looks. No matter how painful it could be, because I can’t keep on hiding behind these walls. I can’t keep on running from love. I’m better than that.
