The Truth Is, I Refuse To Be Your Backup Plan
The truth is, I should have known better. I should have listened to the logical side. I should have written all the pros and cons on a piece of paper to see what was best for me. Here’s a hint—it wasn’t you. I should never have been that impulsive as to make decisions while completely smitten by you.
But what can you do when your heart already chooses for you? Who am I to fight my own heart? Right from the start, you know that’s the battle you will lose.
I really thought you were the one I would spend the rest of my life with. The only flaw with this was that you had other plans.
I was helpless.
You played me for a fool. You dragged me along with you, even though you knew that we would never be together. You betrayed my trust even though you knew it took me a long time to give it to you.
You knew what I’d been through and instead of letting me go, you hurt me even more.
You cheated on me.
You didn’t have to touch or kiss another woman. You cheated on my heart because you lied to me. You pretended to be something that you were not, but you couldn’t lie for that long. You got sick of lying and your perfect mask fell so that I could see your true face.
I could finally see the true monster that you were.
I constantly try and wrap my head around a few questions. Why were you with me in the first place? Was I some kind of a prize that you had to have? Why did you try so hard to seduce me? I suppose that at some point you really liked me, but I don’t understand why you lied to me. You could have done me a favor and let me go before it was too late and my heart was shattered into thousands of pieces.
You didn’t like the person I was. I’m no longer that person, I’ve lost her and I have to find her again because she was the best version of myself that I could ever be. You weren’t happy with who I was and you thought you could change me.
You thought you could drain everything from me and fill it up with just the right kind of your flavor.
At some point, I think you managed to do that. But, today I thank God that you did because if you hadn’t, I would still be stuck in a nowhere relationship, in the gray zone, unaware of what was happening to me.
I would rather be broken and alone than completely oblivious in your presence. And I chose that. I chose to leave you. I chose to hurt in order to forget you.
I saw that you changed me and I hated it. I hated myself for the person I’d become. I looked myself in the mirror and I couldn’t recognize myself anymore. I saw my eyes, they were familiar, and they were the same color. I saw my mouth, they were the right shape, but it wasn’t me.
None of it was me. It was a woman who just looked like me and I hated her from the bottom of my heart.
I deserve so much more than you.
I deserve to be the woman I once was.
I deserve to bring back the beauty that you took from me.
I deserve to smile again.
I realized what happened to me too late. But I don’t regret anything.
I guess what I’m really trying to say is thank you for everything.
You were just another lesson in my life.