This Is How You Almost ‘killed’ Me (But I Survived)
I want you to know I’m done fearing for my life. I’m done hiding in my own shadow because of the things you’ve done to me.
I’m done feeling like shit because I realized I’m actually worth something.
I’m worth everything.
If it weren’t for you and our nightmare-like relationship, maybe I wouldn’t have realized that, ever.
So, I guess I’m saying ’thank you’ in a way. Thank you for all the horrible things you’ve done to me. They’ve shaped me into the strong person that I am today. I will never let anyone treat me the way you did—ever again. You were the life lesson God intended for me to make me realize I’m strong enough to conquer anything that comes in my way.
Sure, I suffered enormously, but it wasn’t all for nothing. I’ve learned my lesson. I’ve started to respect myself again. I’ve started to smile again.
One day, when I had enough of your insults and maltreatment, I stopped and asked myself: “Do I really want to live in pain and suffer for the rest of my life?” And then it hit me, all of a sudden—you get but one life to live. You have only one chance to LIVE! You mustn’t gamble your one and only chance to be happy. You deserve to be happy!
It is then that I finally had the guts to tell you to f**k the hell off!
You almost ‘killed’ me by being there, but not being there—invisible.
You were never there for me, not even when I needed you the most. You weren’t there for me when my mom died. You watched me struggle with finding reasons to live and you didn’t say anything. You didn’t do anything. You acted as if nothing had happened.
But guess what? Thank you for not being there for me because I’ve managed to dive out of those suffocating waters of pain all by myself.
That was the first obstacle I crossed to survive.
You almost ‘killed’ me by making me keep my mouth shut.
You dominated and you controlled me. I was stupid enough to let you do it. I realized that you’re nothing but a weak and insignificant nothing and that’s why you needed me to prove it to yourself that you’re not a complete wuss—but you are. You acted like I’m less worthy than you. You put me in second place anytime you got a chance. You sealed my mouth so I couldn’t speak up.
Guess what? I found the courage to speak up and I thank you for that.
That was the second obstacle I crossed to survive.
You almost ‘killed’ me by tricking me into believing everything was my fault.
I was walking on eggshells around you. I was afraid to do or to say anything because I knew if you didn’t like it, somehow it will all be my fault. You had problems at work and surprisingly enough, I was to blame for that. You couldn’t concentrate because I was stressing you out. I wasn’t the ‘perfect’ doll you wanted me to be.
Guess what? Now, I KNOW it’s not my fault and it was never my fault. Thank you for that.
That was my third obstacle I crossed to survive.
You almost ‘killed’ me by humiliating me.
Humiliation doesn’t have to be public. Humiliation doesn’t have to be mocking. I could have dealt with that. The humiliation I got was calling me names. It was telling me I’m incompetent, that I’m not fit to live, that I don’t deserve to live, that I’m a whore. The humiliation that almost ‘killed’ me was spitting in my face and threatening to kill me. The humiliation I got was living in constant fear.
Guess what? I fear nothing—not anymore and thank you for making me fearless.
That was the fourth and final obstacle I crossed to survive.