Why does this hurt so badly? I love you… but I know this can’t continue.
Night after night, here I am.. lying in bed, reliving our fights in my head, wondering if you’ll ever change? If this will ever change.
Sometimes I wonder if you ever truly loved me.
I was trying my best to save us. I was fighting for the both of us. If you really cared about us, wouldn’t you care about my emotions enough to show me some effort? At least enough to show me we are worth fighting for. I can’t keep doing this by myself. I’m getting really tired.
Deep inside.. I know we’re over. I know the sun has set on our relationship. When things become this f**** up, there’s no point in trying anymore. I’ve done everything and to absolutely no avail. I know I love you… but sometimes, that is not enough.
The pain of trying to save something beyond repair has become unbearable. I have to leave before I completely lose myself. I’m sorry.
Letting go of you is the most difficult challenge I’ve ever had to face. I have to accept that we’re done. Our fights, your incessant jealousy, my over analyzing and our sick obsessiveness with each other has become way too unhealthy. For a while, it was manageable. I felt like our love was strong enough to get us through anything, but time has proven that I was wrong. You have proven that I was wrong.
I needed you to stop hurting me. I needed you to realize that you were tearing me up inside at times. But I needed you to see it for yourself. I cannot always be the one to tell you you’re hurting me. I need to have someone beside me who knows how to change his ways—should the need come. It came – but you never changed.
I feel like if I keep loving you, if I keep giving in to this torture our love has become, I am preventing myself from finding someone who could love me better. Someone who could treat me better. And someone who would FIGHT when it got rough. I wonder why it took me so long to see this.
I know this won’t be easy. I’m not looking for an easy way out. I’m totally realistic about how shitty I’m going to feel for a while. After all, I gave you 2 years of my life, and in return, all I got was misery and sadness. I need to let myself heal from this.
What I’m going to miss the most is the feeling of being wanted. Those close, personal moments I had with you that made me tingle with excitement. The way I would get goosebumps when you were so near me I could feel your heart beating. The way I know you desired my closeness and made me feel like the world doesn’t exist for hours on end..
So, yeah.. I need to stop thinking about those, otherwise I’m never going to leave. Those were the moments I will have in my heart forever, but I need to remember this. When life became real, and things got messy, you backed out. You weren’t there. All the goosebumps in the world aren’t worth that.
Instead of becoming a part of my life, I let you become my whole life. And now I’m supposed to learn to live without you. When I finally manage to get through this, my wall is going to be much higher. You will never be able to climb it again. For both our sake.
I’m going to stop pretending I’m okay. No, I’m not. My whole world is about to collapse, and I am holding on for dear life. I desperately need someone in my corner, but normally, that someone would be you. Funny how things work out…
I’m going to let my tears fall. I’m going to let it all out. And once it’s out, I will put myself back together and learn to smile again. Learn to appreciate new things again. Turn a new page, one that has no room for anything that doesn’t serve my inner happiness.
From then on, I am going to focus on living the amazing life I know I deserve and let love find me. Only this time – I’ll know better and choose smarter.
