I’ll Never Meet Someone Like You, But I Have To Leave You

    “I was always holding onto people, and they were always leaving.” – Lili St. Crow This is, or at least this was the story of my life. I kept holding onto people like a drowning man is catching a straw. He knew that it won’t save him as same as I knew that people wouldn’t stay in my life and jet I held onto them, anyways. What do you want, story of friends leaving, family giving up on me, boyfriend walking away from me? I’ve got all those tales, but since you don’t really know my life, nor the people that I have in there, I will spare you the story of friends and family. What  I might do, and what I will do is to share a story of leaving boyfriends, since they all leave in more or less the same way. Where do you want me to start? Once I was dumped over a text message, another time I didn’t even know that I was dumped until I saw his facebook status changed into “single”. Buhu for me, I know. Those were all things in the very beginning of my dating, and those I could accept easily. I mock them even today. What it gets me hard to process is being dumped by someone who I loved to the moon and back because I dressed like this or like that, because I forgot to tell him that I won’t make it that night and what not. It leaves most profound scars on someone’s heart. “We all take different paths in life, but no matter where we go, we take a little of each other every day.” – Tim McGraw I know it would be idiotic to start this conversation with “it isn’t you, it’s me” shitty saying, but what if it is truly so? We’ve heard it like a million times by now but the fact is that this time I have empty hands, I have nothing to give to you. I stand by you, and I feel like I am only hurting you.   I don’t want to hurt the person I love most in this world. It’s not what you signed for and it is not what I want to give to you. I don’t want to break your heart, but I don’t feel like keeping quiet every time you ask me what is wrong with me. I don’t know, I really have no idea what the fuck is going on with me and why I am incapable of enjoying life with somebody like you. But even when I am walking away from you, I am still carrying part of you in me. I am taking your love and that mark that you imprinted on my heart. Nobody has ever loved me as you do, or at least as you did, since I am not the same as I was before. I am not sure that you love this anxious and depressed person that I’ve become. God knows that I will relive every single moment that we had together daily in my head, since you’re the one that is hard to forget. Ironic, right? Why are you leaving if you love me? I know. You know that I have always enjoyed books, romantic things but I was never a drama queen. I was overly dramatic from time to time but I had some boundaries. The catch is that I love you. I truly do. It’s just that it doesn’t work like this. I love you, you love me, but I have this unexplainable feeling that pinches his hands over my neck tighter every day. And it kills you as well. The sad part is, nobody can help me. You can’t help me, and I don’t want to drag you in this mud with me. I have to deal with this feeling, but I can only deal with it if I devote to myself completely. I can’t help myself if I have to think about what am I doing to you in parallel. I know it sucks, I tell that to myself every night, but you can’t pour from an empty cup. I just have to take care of myself first. “I don’t understand how I can know so little about love and how it works. How can I be so bad at it when it’s all I’ve ever wanted. All I’ve ever known is about leaving and being left.” – Carrie Ryan God knows I searched different ways to get out of this, it’s just that I’d end up in the dead-end street. Altogether, it is too much to handle. I know I was the one teaching you that it is easier to handle life and every other obstacle when you love, but this time it’s different. I feel like if I didn’t love you as much as I do, I wouldn’t be concerned that my darkness is hurting you as well. I’d just ignore your sorrow and devote myself to healing me completely. But nope, that’s how much this all is fucked up. Even if it hurts me the way it never hurt before, I still think about you, and I still care for you.   “What are you to do without me I cannot imagine.” – George Bernard Shaw It’s not going to be easy, I know how it is to be left by someone who you love more than your life. But we’ve been through much worse things, and you were the one that always said that the end is inevitable and that we all die eventually. I am not dying, I promise. I’m just leaving you for something greater than me. Or at least than me that I am now. You might find somebody better than me, or I  can come back as a better version of myself. The happier one. But I  don’t want you to wait for me. That would mean that I promise I’ll come back, and such a promise I can’t give to you. “If you have to convince someone to stay with you then they have already left.” -Shannon L. Alder or “Once you’d resolved to go, there was nothing to it at all.” Jeannette Walls Whichever you prefer. The point is, I made my decision, and I rewinded it plenty of times in my head, and I checked million times if it was the best one. Truth to be told, I am still not sure if it is the best one, but I can promise you that it’s definitely the least painful one. For both of us, I  think. It would be pointless to try to convince me to stay. I have already left. What I am doing now is merely informing you of my decision. I know relationships are two way street, but you’ll have to trust me on this one. “I hated myself for going, why couldn’t I be the kind of person who stays?” – Jonathan  S. F. After asking myself endlessly: “Why not stay”, I have to admit that today I am not that kind of person. Today I am a quitter and that’s just sad. But you’ll understand. Not at first, but eventually you will.   Today I am not a fighter, nor a person who stays. All that I have said was true. I never met someone like you. And I will never meet someone like you. I could only stumble upon poorer version of you, or even a better one. But never someone like you. It’s sad that I have to leave you. But I can promise you that one day I will be a fighter. I am not promising to come back, nor do I ask from you to wait for me, but I do ask from you to remember how I made you fall in love with me. Do me a favour and hold that thought somewhere in the back of your brain, it might be that you need it.