Once upon a time, I fell in love. Once upon a time, I totally lost myself over a man who couldn’t care less for me. Once upon a time, I got my heart broken. And now, there are only remains of the person I once was. I am just a shell of the woman you fell in love with. She doesn’t exist anymore. You killed her dreams, her love and her hope the day you didn’t choose her. You left her to take care of her problems alone, not knowing that her biggest problem was you. And the worst thing is that I still feel something for you. I am still here waiting for you to change, to tell me you were going through a rough time and to tell me that you want to try with me again from scratch. But no matter how long I am here, standing in front of you and getting the crumbs from your table, you are not noticing me. To you, all the other women are better than I am. And day by day I am competing with every one of them who tries to get close to you. Because even if you are not treating me right, I am not letting you go. I am standing still, waiting for you to change your mind. I am waiting for you to see how big my love is. I am not giving up on us because if I do so, we will fall apart. I am the only one making an effort and trying to save what can be saved. While on the other hand, you gave up on us a long time ago. You are just a coward to let me go to find my happiness with someone else. Instead, you are keeping me close because it feels so good to you to have someone you can always rely on. It is great for you to have me to be your late-night call, your partner in crime and the only person who lifts you up when you are down. But in all that mess, you are not asking me what I want or what I need. You just think about yourself and your needs. You were a selfish jerk and you have remained one until now. In some moments I feel like you don’t give a damn about me and in those moments I swear to you that I am leaving.   But in the blink of an eye, I get paralyzed by your hands around my waist. I get hypnotized by your words that you whisper in my ear that you are nothing without me and that we are meant to be together. Even if I want to hate you, in those moments I give myself all to you and once more I accept to play this game even though it doesn’t make any sense. I feel your love is toxic. I feel it is killing me slowly but I can’t do anything about it. God knows I tried but every time I decided to leave you, you came and convinced me that my place was with you. You do that like you have been doing it your whole life. You always know to say the right words in the perfect moment and once again, I fall into your web of lies. Once again, I accept being the one you mistreat, the one you don’t give a damn about, the one who is crazy in love with you.   I again become the same woman who doesn’t lose hope and who thinks that I can’t find another man. I think that I am not good enough and that I was lucky to even have you in my life. I comfort myself that things like that happen to all of us and that sometime in the future we will be happy. But you know what the problem is? I got used to this poor treatment. I got used to thinking that I am nothing without you. I got used to thinking that I can’t be happy without you. And to be honest, I don’t want to feel this way anymore. I can’t pretend that it doesn’t hurt me when it does. I can’t live with the thought in my head that the only man I am madly in love with doesn’t love me the same way. And because of that, I have to move on. I have to let you go. I have to save myself. I have to think about the future and if I stay with you, I won’t have a bright one. For all this time I have always put you first but now it is about time to put myself first. It is time to be my own priority and to choose my own happiness instead of yours. Because you never chose me over yourself, so why would I continue doing that for you? If you just showed a bit of love and empathy for me I would probably stay with you but since there is nothing for me here, I am leaving. I am leaving for a better place. I am leaving for a better future. And most of all, I am leaving because you didn’t know how to cherish me. Instead of fighting for me, you just let me slip through your hands. You put zero effort into making me stay. And the only logical thing I can do now is to go as far away as I can.   I need to give myself time to heal. I need to learn to trust people again. I need to feel good in my own skin. I need to find the peace I crave so much. And most of all, I need to feel loved by someone who won’t take me for granted like you did  

LEAVE A REPLY

Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here