It was too much for me. My life was slipping away from my hands. I lost control completely. The only thing I could do was to sit and watch my life go its own way. It was like I took a side role—I was no longer the one in charge of my own life.
I don’t know at what point all that happened. I’m not sure who decided it was time for me to step aside. Aren’t I the one who has to decide that? No—in my life I was a ghost. I was invisible to everyone.
I tried to pull the strings of my life and sew it back together, but my hands were going through it. There was nothing that I could touch—that I could have an influence on. I completely disappeared.
It’s hard to live when no one sees you. I know that because I was the one who was invisible. Everywhere I went, so one saw me. No one heard my voice and no one felt my touch. It was frustrating. At first, I was sad and broken. I didn’t understand why, all of a sudden, I had no control over my life. Then, my sadness grew to anger and frustration.
I screamed out of anger—every vein in my body thickened and hardened and my every muscle was cramping in pain in my efforts to be heard. But, no one heard me. No one saw me. My own life rejected me.
I used to wander the streets alone. I thought walking purposelessly would help me clear my mind—that it will help me see where the problem was. Although I tried very hard to figure out where things went downhill, I couldn’t.
And now, I know why. It was me all along. I was the source of my troubles. My mind took a life of its own. My mind made me believe that no one saw me—it was all in my head. No one took the lead because I was still the one in charge. The thing is that I was the one who turned against myself—I was my own worst enemy.
I was the one who didn’t hear or see others. I unconsciously blocked everyone who cared about me. It was me who didn’t see or hear anyone. People were reaching out to me in the hope they could help me, but my mind made me believe they gave up on me—just like I gave up on myself.
After I lived through all that sadness and later on anger, I moved on to the next phase—giving up completely. That was the last and the most important phase of the illusion I was living in. Since I was assured I’ve lost my grip on my life, I decided to give in. I decided I don’t have the strength to fight anymore because everything I did seemed like it was in vain.
As I was stripped from my strength and determination to make a change, my demons took the better of me. They knew when was the right time to attack—the time I put my guard down. The time I was at my lowest and most vulnerable point.
My demons appeared in the form of anxiety, depression, and toxicity. I was afraid to go out. I was afraid to even try to talk to people because I thought I was invisible anyway—so why bother trying?
I became trapped in my own body. Somewhere deep inside, I knew there was still a shadow of the person I used to be. But that shadow was hiding behind the monster and his name was ‘Depression’. He was there to make sure I failed every time when there was a ray of hope for me to come back on the right track.
And that is how my life began to be toxic and poisonous. That was how I completely disappeared.
Then, I was at a turning point in my life. It was the time to decide whether I will survive and snap back or die and disappear forever. I’m still not sure how and why I found the strength to fight back—and to fight back with everything I got. It sounds ridiculous—to fight your own life…
But I did it! I came out stronger than ever. I won—and I won for good. Somewhere along the way, I realized that nothing is worth dying for. I realized that I had only one chance to live and that it’s NOW. I realized that I’m not entitled to take my own life. I realized there is something more out there. I realized it was all a test that I almost failed.
That’s when I arose from the ashes like a phoenix.
That’s when I gave myself a second shot.
That’s when I realized I was never alone. People who loved me tried to pull me out of the darkness I was in—it’s just that something kept me from seeing that. When I finally opened my eyes and saw the beauty of the day, the warmth of the sun, and all the love I was surrounded with, I decided I’m never going to replace it with the coldness and darkness of the night.
I decided I’m going to live.
I decided I won’t let anyone or anything erase me.
I decided my life has the same worth as anybody else’s.
