You have friends, a job, hobbies – only the relationship is missing. Finding the right partner is not that easy. An expert reveals why the courage to seek a partner is above all.

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Ines on dating: a symbol of our society

It’s Sunday night. Raindrops patter against the windowpane. Ines puts the television one level louder, no two, it should be an even number. It is already dark, the days are getting shorter. Autumn is coming. Another winter alone, Ines thinks, wondering why she suddenly spills a wave of melancholy. Was not she the one who convinced a few weeks ago that she wanted to be single? And she enjoys the time alone? She has to think about the episode of a series. “I just do not want a relationship” is therefore the sure recipe to fall in love. She has said that phrase often enough. Nothing has happened. No man in the bar, who wanted to take her home for more than one night – or she. No chance acquaintance who stopped her and lost herself in her eyes. No sparks, no hearts, no classical music. Not that Ines would expect such a thing in reality – but according to movies she had done everything to find the perfect partner. Namely nothing.

Do you have to search for the right partner or find yourself?

Ines is not alone with that. Only one in four singles, according to statistics, indicates to be actively looking for a partner. 64 percent of young singles yearn for a lifelong relationship. How do these numbers fit together? Has the said “waiting and tea drinking” concept already been established in society so far? At any rate, it is not the destination leader. The white couple adviser : “Who says: ‘I do not search, I let me find’, signaled that a potential partner also want to give a place in life.” He watches the development critically.

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  If you want to find the right partner, you have to be active – if you lean back, it even deters “Because even if you do not want to be used right away, you want to be in one relationship the first priority of the other. This includes showing that you want to invest. Activity is a sign of commitment. “ So you should not wait for fate? Frustrated, Ines thinks of her best friend, sighs resignedly, as she gives in to her advice and grabs her cell phone. You can try the dating app. Although that’s just desperate. And she really is not desperate. At the same time, the cliché of Internet dating has long since passed. “Who does not know in a personal environment at least one couple that has met through Tinder or Parship?” assures. Much of modern life extends over the Internet – why should dating be excluded? Dating platforms have long ceased to be shame. And once you sign up, you’ll soon be taught otherwise: very few are looking for a quick number, but rather for the great love. With a look at the statistics, this is hardly surprising.

30, single, lonely

More than half of the singles feel lonely – some only occasionally, others more often. Loneliness is still considered a taboo topic. Lonely are older people, seniors who have lost their partner. But young women? No way. A study from 2017 proves the opposite. In fact, it is precisely the young 18-year-olds and mid-thirties who feel frequently or even permanently lonely – rather than any other age group. “The desire for commitment carries everyone in itself, because alone people are not viable in the first years of life,” says Eric Why do some people find it so hard to be single while others enjoy it ? “The binding system is individual,” says Eric Hegmann. It also depends on personal experiences: “This has a lot to do with self-esteem. If I am convinced that I am not ‘good enough’, I have to work hard to find a partner. If I’m scared because I’ve been hurt in previous relationships, maybe I can only rely on myself and not on others, and I can not beat myself up . ”

Why it takes a lot of courage to find a partner

Ines can trust. In any case, believe her. She is self-confident too. Even so, they doubt when she creates her profile on a dating site. What if it no longer meets today’s ideal? Being a single suddenly makes her feel less secure than in relationship times. A phenomenon known to many. After all, you will be accepted for years, loved, with all stigma. Now you have to be careful. Dating also means risk.

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The fear of rejection is always present, she creeps in the subconscious and ticks on the shoulder. Every time he does not answer. If it did not spark again. When the feeling comes up, not enough for more. For what hardly anyone considers: For the Dating one must be above all courageous. “Courage and trust are the most important ingredients for the first introductory phase – and also later, when in love real love and commitment develops,” advises Eric “Congratulations, your profile has been created,” it flashes on Ine’s cell phone. The heart beats her to the neck. The first step is taken. Fast, she turns the display down. What if you do not write? Or if she does not like anyone? Then it suddenly vibrates again and again. It can not go so fast, thinks Ines and dares a look. It’s her friend: “Hey, are you coming for a drink tonight? By the way: Paul is also there, you know, the one with the curls of the class reunion. He lives here again … “Ines grins. Maybe fate is still playing along.

5 questions and answers to and from Eric Hegmann: How do I find the right partner?

Job, friends, family – everyday life is often full. How and where do I best get to know new potential partners?

“The most successful couples is the circle of friends , because friends of friends give us the secure feeling to be on the same wavelength, so there is already a kind of basic trust and security. Then come work or apprenticeship and the Internet. Whereby, depending on the age group and milieu, it is quite the case that the Internet leads the list. If you see someone in the sport today who cares about you. You do not talk to him, you search his profile on the net or in the social media and make the first contact there. This is also internet dating. ”

What do you think of the statement, ‘Do you want to apply, make yourself rare’? Do you really always have to make a fool of yourself as a woman to be interesting for men?

“With the strategy, you are more likely to stay alone, because the line between Rarmachen and bitchy is very slim . It is right that seem needy, not attractive. But before you try the hard-to-conquer strategy, take a look at what other women like Tinder and Parship. The competition is big and she does not sleep. There is a great risk that with Rarmachen you will only get the candidates who did not want the other women who were brave and active. ”

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‘I always get the wrong way.’ What do you suggest in this statement?

“We choose those wrong ones ourselves, be it that we do not vote them out or that we approach them consciously. Imagine the attachment system as a continuum. On the left side is the loss anxiety. It comes from the conviction: ‘I’m not good enough. I have to earn my love. ‘ Loss-anxious people constantly compare themselves with others and evaluate themselves. When choosing a partner, they are therefore attracted to supposedly strong, self-confident persons. On the right side is the attachment anxiety . It comes from the conviction: ‘My self-control and autonomy is my highest good. I do not want to lose my ego. ‘ Bonding fearful people fear to be absorbed in a relationship in the WE. They are attracted to bondage-anxious people because they seek to increase their self-esteem. But if they get too close to them then they will pull back. ”

How can I tell from the first dates that it could be the right one?

“There are no guarantees and no securities in love.” If you outsmart yourself or your potential partner, in other words, make you fall in love, you will surely fail , and you can not force that. ”

And finally: What are your insider tips for dating?

“Be even the curious, open and gracious person you want as a partner I have no tip ready, which applies to everyone, I’m afraid there is not the. But I know that love requires two things: courage and trust . “

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These are also the two antidotes to loss anxiety and attachment anxiety.”  

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