25 Deep Questions He Needs To Answer Before He Puts A Ring On It
He did it! He tricked us into going out with him for a hot-air balloon ride and then asked us to look down when we were floating in the air. And when we did–there they were, the words we had been dying to hear our entire adult life: MARRY ME?
We said ‘yes,’ of course! Complete with tears in our eyes and a smile in our heart. And then he slipped a beautiful ring onto our finger as he promised to take care of us for the rest of our lives.
Ring the bells and cue the ‘awww’s! It’s a dream come true!
But before we turn into bridezillas and get swept up in the wedding preparations and gown fittings, here’s a tough question: Are we 100% sure we’re marrying the right guy?
Because according to the current divorce trends, three out of four women end up regretting this move. Either because they married someone they didn’t know well enough, or because they did not realize how fundamentally incompatible they were as married partners even though they spent many years together as boyfriend and girlfriend.
So if we want our happily ever after to last, here are 25 deep questions we should ask our partner before taking the plunge. Preferably, while on a relaxing picnic or a dinner date so he’s comfortable and answers them honestly.
25What Motivates Him To Achieve His Goals?
There are two kinds of people in this world. Those who are motivated to do something in life and those who are not sure exactly what it is they want to do. And trust us, you don’t want to hitch a ride with the latter.
But if he knows what he wants to achieve, you need to ask him what is it that fuels that fire in his heart.
Is it jealousy because some distant cousin has achieved fame and laurels and hogs all the attention at family gatherings? Is it anger because someone told him he will never amount to anything in life? Or is it passion, pure and simple?
Because if what motivates him is a negative emotion, you can bet your bottom dollar that this guy is bitter deep in his heart, even though he seems happy at the moment.
24How Important Is It For Him To Spend Time Doing Things Individually?
Some people like to do everything with their partner by their side, whether it’s going on a vacation or chilling before the TV at night, while others are more independent and like to take time off now and then to either do something on their own or to exclusively hang out with their friends.
And if you and your bae are on the two opposing ends of this spectrum, your marriage will start to fall apart soon enough because one will feel the other isn’t around enough while the other would feel that their partner is too clingy!
23What Does He Think Is The Right Way To Express Emotions?
Our subconscious mind communicates with us during waking hours through our emotions. That’s why you should never dismiss them. Especially the more negative ones because they are cues that we need to get out of a bad situation or find a solution to a troubling problem.
But over-expressing your emotions and being a train wreck isn’t healthy either.
That’s why it’s very important to know how your man expresses his emotions before you tie the knot. And then watch his actions to see whether he told you the truth.
22Does He Want To Have Children In The Future?
We are no longer living in an era where not having children is not a choice. But what if you want them and your bae does not? Or worse, what if both of you want them but when you want them are totally out of sync?
This is a conversation that has to happen long before the wedding bells ring. For all you know he might want a brood immediately after marriage while you plan to hold off on having little ones until you are more settled in your career!
21Why Did His Previous Relationships Not Work Out?
Again, this is a question that subtly probes whether he is over those failed relationships and how he treats people once his relationship ends with them.
Trust us, it’s important. Because if he is still angry about something an ex did, you would bear the brunt of his insecurities and anger after marriage if you do something that triggers those memories in his mind.
After all, mature people know that relationships end because of the shortcomings of both individuals, not just one.
Also, if he speaks nastily of his ex, keep in mind that if your marriage does not work out, he will say really mean stuff about you to all the people you know since he will know them too!
20How Does He Plan To Divide The Household Chores?
Let’s face it, some men still have the misguided notion that women are supposed to take over the household while they win the bread. And if you end up saddled to such an individual, you would soon find out yourself being treated less like a wife and more like an indentured cook and housemaid.
So save yourself the heartbreak and make sure you discuss how you both will divide the chores after marriage.
And if he cracks jokes about you doing all of them or tells you how he’s a lazy slob but will definitely try to change, it’s a clear sign that he will never do his share of the work, guaranteed.
19How Often Does He Want ‘Bedroom Time’?
Again, different people have different expectations in the good-stuff department. Some like to indulge every day (or at least, most days of the week), while others prefer doing it only on the weekends… if they aren’t busy with other things.
So make sure you don’t chicken out when it comes to asking this question. Because if either of you feels unsatisfied in this department after marriage, it will sour the relationship pretty fast. And although things might be fine now, marriage can put you both in an unexpected rut.
18What Does He Consider To Be Betrayal?
This is a great question to subtly figure out if your guy is the jealous kind. Because if he tells you that he considers it cheating if his lady speaks to other men in his absence or hangs out with them for social activities, it’s a big red flag that this man is deeply insecure on the inside.
Trust us, it would be a nightmare to be his wife after the honeymoon phase wears off. Especially if he becomes weird when you happen to glance at other guys when he is with you.
17How Much Honesty Does He Think Is Needed In Relationships?
The right answer is 100%. You just need to know how to communicate well so your truths don’t feel like a blunt hammer to the other person. Especially when it’s a conflict type situation or when you are anxious about something outside of your control.
But if you and your bae are both cool with white lies, then more power to you.
Just remember, lies always weaken the foundation of good relationships. And they have a notorious habit of coming out into the light when it’s the least convenient!
16Does He Want To Pass His Beliefs Down To His Children?
And do you too? If yes, you need to be sure that you both have the same fundamental beliefs otherwise your kids (if you agree to have them) will grow up in a household where one parent will teach them one thing and the other something else. And this can be very detrimental to the psychological growth of a child since they will watch you fight over this over and over again through the years.
And if, instead, you want your kids to have knowledge of everything so they can make up their own minds when they grow up, make sure your partner feels the same way before you marry him.
15How Often Does He Want To See His Family In A Year?
Oh, this is a big one! And this question has the potential to become a bone of contention in your married life later if you don’t know the answer before you walk down the aisle.
Because what if you are super close to your family and he isn’t very fond of them, or vice versa?
It would be a nightmare during holidays and other special occasions when you have to decide whose family you should spend time with. More so if one of your prioritizes spending time with family while the other would rather it was just the two of you!
14What Kind Of Wife Does He Want?
This question is tied to the gender equality one. Only, this one subtly probes him further to figure out whether he really believes in it or was just saying it to appease you.
So listen closely to his response.
Because if the guy wants a wife who takes care of him and his children, makes his house a home, and becomes a pillar of strength for him, he is basically telling you that he wants a traditional wife for whom family comes before everything else.
And don’t say ‘yes’ if he says he wants a beautiful wife all his friends would be envious of. He might laugh it off and say you are already that, but what he’s really saying is that he’s marrying you for the exterior, not the interior. And exteriors always fade over time.
13Is He In Any Kind Of Financial Debt?
Many people are afraid of discussing money with the person they are about to marry, but it’s the most basic building block of a stable family. How else would you put a roof over your head, food on your table, and save for you and your children’s futures?
So make sure you ask this question. Because if he evades it, you can bet your bottom dollar that he has a ton of debt on his head that will become yours after you are legally married.
And if you think a prenup can take care of this easily, think again. He wouldn’t have gotten in debt in the first place if he was good with money. And who knows what he would do after you get married?
12Does He Find Her Jokes Funny?
Yup. This is an important question. Because the couple who laughs together stays together. Happily, too!
So if your senses of humor don’t match, it could soon start irritating one or both of you as time goes by.
Especially if one of you is into pranks and slapstick humor while the other hates that type of joking.
And don’t just ask this question. Observe him. Does he really find you funny? Like laughs at your jokes and genuinely thinks you’re entertaining?
11What Does He Value The Most About Your Relationship?
This is a sweet question that will tell you what you can do more of since they leave such a lasting (and good) impression on your partner.
But watch out! If his answers are superficial or lackadaisical, the chances are big that he doesn’t actually value your relationship that much.
In fact, some guys are known to pop the question too early just because they are in love with being in love. And these men almost always break the engagement once the honeymoon phase of romance is over and you have your first few fights.
10Regardless Of His Age, Does He Consider Himself An Adult?
Marriage is not child’s play. It involves building a family together, sharing your resources, and planning ahead for your futures.
In short, it’s a big responsibility. One that immature adults are not able to shoulder well.
So if he throws around cliched phrases like “I am child at heart” or “I never want to grow up,” believe him and don’t marry him. Because knowing how to have fun and keeping the romance alive is just one part of being married. He would falter at the rest and unload the burden on your shoulders if you are more mature.
Trust us, you don’t want to be his second mom!
9What Does He Do When People Betray Him?
A vengeful man is a dangerous man. So tread carefully and reconsider the marriage if his response to this question makes it clear that he holds terrible grudges, or worse–enjoys taking revenge in cold blood.
Why? Because betrayal is a subjective term. Some people feel betrayed when their best friend just talks to a new person, while some think they have been back-stabbed when a coworker undermines them for a promotion.
That’s why we cannot really control what someone feels or doesn’t feel is a betrayal. So it’s best to marry a more forgiving soul who is willing to give you the benefit of the doubt since most of us don’t ‘betray’ others intentionally.
8What Are His Thoughts About Relationship Equality?
Here’s the thing: if you believe men are superior to women, don’t ask this question.
For the rest of us who know that it’s wrong to discriminate against someone because they do not possess a certain set of biological appendages, this question can be the make or break moment for the guy you are dating.
So if his answer makes it apparent that he has reserved opinions about guys and gals being equal, or that he doesn’t support it, drop the guy and find someone who is hip with the times.
For all you know, he probably has reserved opinions about the color of someone’s skin as well!
7How Does He Express His Anger?
There are three ways people express anger most commonly–passively (by suppressing it), aggressively (by breaking things and having a shouting match), and passive-aggressively (by stonewalling you and being vengeful).
All three are dangerous. Why? Because the passive guy will drink his anger for years and then either cheat on you or drop divorce papers without any rhyme or reason (to you). The aggressive guy might end up hurting you. And the passive-aggressively guy will emotionally manipulate you and destroy your self-esteem.
So if he has learned to deal with his anger maturely, he is definitely marriage material. Everyone else is still a hormonal teenager in an adult’s body.
6What Does He Want Out Of This Relationship?
This is another important question. So don’t skip it. And make sure you tell him what you want out of the relationship too, once he has answered the question.
Why? Because if both of you want the same thing (or complementary things) out of the relationship, you would enjoy a happy married life together. And if your wants oppose each other, you won’t.
Some common wants are companionship, building a family together, being a power couple in the eyes of society, making it big in the industry, and being a rock that anchors their creative kite.
5Does He Consider Himself A Workaholic?
If he says yes, don’t marry him. This guy will never be around and will unload all the household responsibilities and the responsibilities of parenting your children on your head. But if his answer is something else, don’t necessarily take his word for it.
Workaholics either love that tag or refuse to acknowledge it.
Instead, watch him for at least six months before you give him an answer. Workaholics reveal themselves soon enough, especially with over the course of a longer time span!
4Would He Call Himself A Romantic Guy?
Romance is the lifeblood of a healthy relationship. And it doesn’t have to be cheesy. It can be deep, meaningful, and make your heartstrings quiver. The point of it is to prevent your relationship from becoming boring and routine, which most marriages become after a while. Especially once you have a few kids.
So if you are a romantic soul and the guy says he is not, don’t say ‘yes.’ Your love for him will die soon enough because of the lack of effort on his part (and vice versa).
But if you are not the romantic kind and he isn’t either, you might make your marriage work if your fundamental values are the same and he answers the remaining questions on this list satisfactorily.
3How Would You Make Financial Decisions After Marriage?
This question is very important. It will immediately bring to light how you both want to deal with money once you are married.
From whether or not you should open a joint account to how will you pay for your household and save for your future plans, everything money-related should be discussed up front.
And beware if he brushes off this question and says you don’t have to worry about it because he will take care of everything.
Why? Because it’s a sign that he won’t let you have a say in the matter. And that he believes the man of the house should handle money and the woman should cook, clean, and take care of the children.
2How Were Birthdays And Other Special Occasions Celebrated In His Family?
Some families celebrate birthdays and special occasions with a lot of pomp and show. They love how these occasions allow you to express your love for someone in a grand way.
Other families don’t believe there is anything special about the day you were born. They wish you a happy birthday and that’s it. And they definitely don’t celebrate the other big days.
Well, if you and your bae come from these two widely different families, one of you would constantly get upset when the other doesn’t do anything special on their birthday or other times of the year. So make sure you both are on the same page about this one.
Not that it’s a deal breaker if your bae is not into celebrations. If he loves you, he would do it just to make you happy. But you might have to constantly remind him, which would be a bummer!
1What Does He Consider Deal-Breakers In A Relationship?
All of us have some deal breakers when it comes to relationships. For some, it is dishonesty and betrayal. For others, it’s a lack of direction in life and immaturity.
So it pays to know what he considers deal breakers in a relationship before you say ‘yes.’
Because if you don’t think his deal breakers make any sense, you probably are going to end up fighting a lot when you do something he thinks is inappropriate but which you think is just fine!