We’re so used to talking about red flags that if our best friend tells us that the person she just started dating isn’t answering her text messages, we find ourselves saying, “That’s totally a red flag.”

But it’s actually possible that there are some red flags in our own relationship, and we don’t even realize it.

Sure, we all have our own opinions about what it takes to make a relationship successful. Some of us say that we have to put a lot of work in, and others say that it shouldn’t feel like hard work because it should be easy if it’s right.

If we’re in a serious relationship, we might actually be exhibiting some behavior that shows that we don’t love our boyfriend. We just might not be ready to admit this to ourselves yet.

Here are 20 surprising red flags that prove you’re probably not in love with him.

20When He’s Romantic, You Call Him A Stage-Five Clinger

If your boyfriend does romantic things for you, you should definitely be happy. Maybe he booked a reservation at the taco restaurant in your neighborhood because he knows that’s your favorite food, or he’s just given you a sweet speech about how much he cares about you.

If you call him a stage-five clinger whenever he’s romantic, that’s a red flag. Your gut instinct isn’t to give him a big hug and tell him how much you love him. Instead, you feel like it’s too much. That’s because you’re not actually in love with him. If you were, this would be your dream come true.

19You Would Rather Go Out With Your BFFs Than Him Any Night Of The Week (But Especially On Weekends)

Keeping your friendships going strong is super special. It’s something that you should do even when your weeks get so busy that you barely have time to do anything else. But when it comes at the expense of your relationship, that’s when there’s a problem.

When you would rather go out with your friends than your boyfriend any night of the week, that’s a red flag. This is especially true if you’re always making social plans on Friday nights and you never even think that your boyfriend would want to spend time with you. It seems like you prefer your friends over him and that you’re just not as in love with him as you thought.

18You Complain About Him To Your Friends (But Think That’s Normal So It’s Not A Big Deal)

A lot of people complain about their partners with their friends. Even if your best friends always tell you that their partners are pretty flawed, you don’t want to get in the habit of saying negative things about your boyfriend.

When you always complain to your friends about your boyfriend, you might assume it’s no big deal. Everyone does that, right? Isn’t this venting what people want to hear?

The truth is that you might see your partner’s flaws since no one is perfect, but you should maintain a level of respect and never say mean things about him to your friends. The fact that you complain about him shows that you’re not that in love with him.

17You Don’t Have Anything In Common But Claim It’s Fine Because “Opposites Attract”

The saying “opposites attract” is kind of confusing, right? While there are many couples who make things work even though they don’t have the same hobbies, other people believe that you need to have some common ground in order to make a relationship successful.

You’re probably not in love with your boyfriend when you realize that you don’t have anything in common but you say it’s okay because “opposites attract.” You’re making excuses and leaning hard on this phrase when, in reality, you need a bit more in common. If you don’t like the same types of movies or TV shows or want to do the same things on the weekends, how are you going to spend your time together?

16You Make Social Plans And Don’t Tell Him Until Right Before You Leave The House

Being in a long-term relationship definitely means that there should be a level of mutual respect. You should tell your boyfriend that you’re having dinner with your BFF this Friday night or going out with a group next Wednesday. It’s just polite and it’s good for him to know what your schedule is.

If you never tell him what your social plans are until you’re halfway out the door, that’s a surprising red flag. It proves that you’re not in love with him because it shows that you don’t really think much about him. He doesn’t feel like a bit part of your life, and he should.

15You Don’t Remember Things That He Tells You

If you don’t remember anything that your boyfriend tells you, that’s a surprising red flag that proves you’re probably not in love with him. There are so many ways to tell yourself that this is normal. You can say that you’re tired lately from working hard, that you’re too busy, that you two don’t talk as much as you used to, but that’s what happens in a relationship.

While of course, it’s totally normal to forget things every once in a while, you want to pay attention to your boyfriend and care about what he’s sharing with you. If you loved him, you would always remember his plans for the week or what’s going on in his life.

14You Wish He Would Change His Hair And The Clothes That He Wears

Do you wish that your boyfriend had a different hairstyle and that he dressed differently? Maybe he’s super preppy and that’s not your thing, or maybe he dresses more casually than you would like him to.

Feeling this way proves that you’re probably not in love with him, and it’s another red flag. You want to be with someone who you never have these thoughts about. While you might not love every item in your boyfriend’s closet (like that old college sweatshirt that has a million holes in it), you shouldn’t want him to change his whole look. This is a sign that you don’t love him since you’re not thinking positively about his appearance, hair, and clothing.

13You Always Have To Be The One Making The Plans

In a good relationship, each person should be able to pick places for date nights and talk about the things that they want to do. That’s not the case in your relationship, and you always have to be the one who makes the plans.

You want to be in charge because deep down, you’re unhappy. You think if you can control date nights, then you’ll be happier. In reality, though, it doesn’t matter if you always do what you want and your boyfriend agrees to whatever you suggest. You’re not actually in love with him. If you were, you would totally be open to listening to any of his suggestions.

12You Always Tell Him The Relationship Should Be At A Different Milestone By Now

If you were happy, you wouldn’t tell your boyfriend that you should be engaged at this point or that you should actually already be married. But since you say these things to him on a regular basis, that’s a red flag. And it proves that you’re probably not in love with him.

If you were, then these things would happen naturally. That’s the way that it goes when two people are meant to be together. Sometimes, you don’t even know what it’s like to be in a happy relationship until you are in one and then you realize that your previous relationships weren’t good enough.

11You No Longer Ask Him How His Day Was (And He Doesn’t Ask You, Either)

People assume that when a couple is together for a long time, a lot of things fall by the wayside. They no longer ask each other how their day was or even talk while eating dinner. Sometimes they even eat dinner while watching TV. It’s all normal… right?!

It’s a red flag when you no longer ask your boyfriend how his day was and when he doesn’t think to ask you the same question, either. It’s easy to say this is just how things progress, but should that really be the case? Don’t you want to come home from work and feel like you can’t wait to talk to your partner?

10You’re Bored By The Relationship But Think That’s How Every Long-Term Couple Feels

There are so many jokes about long-term couples that it’s easy to think that once every couple passes the one-year or two-year mark, they no longer get along. They bug each other no matter what they’re doing, they make annoyed faces at each other, and the romance is totally gone.

These days, you’re feeling bored by your relationship… but you think that’s normal. You’ve been with your boyfriend for a few years now, so you assume that’s why you feel this way. In reality, though, you should still feel pretty head-over-heels about him and you should still be thrilled to be with him. Feeling this way is another surprising red flag.

9You Joke That Being Single Was Better

Here’s something else that other long-term couples do: joke about being single. You tell your single friends that you want them to give you all the juicy details about their dating lives because you’re not single anymore. You say that being single was better, and while you think that it’s funny to say this, it really proves that you’re actually not in love with your boyfriend.

It’s definitely a red flag to joke about the time before you met your boyfriend. This isn’t the way that you want to feel. You want to wish that you had met him earlier and that you two had even more time together.

8You Want To Hang Out With His Family More Than Him During Holidays And Other Times, Too

It’s awesome to love your boyfriend’s family (and it’s a big relief, too, since you’re going to have to see them pretty regularly). It’s not so awesome when you actually love hanging out with them more than you love hanging out with him.

Do you find yourself spending more time with his mom and sisters during holidays or weekend visits than you do with him? Maybe deep down, you know that the relationship doesn’t feel the way that it once did… but that’s hard to admit, so you’re doing what you can to make things work. This is a big red flag. You should always want to spend time with your partner.

7You Ignore Problems Because It Feels Like Long-Term Couples Never Fight

The movies tell everyone that happily ever after is not only possible but it’s the way that it should be. When a couple finally agrees to be together at the end of a romantic comedy, it seems like they have no more problems.

That’s not realistic, and yet you’re believing that story. You ignore any problems in your relationship because it feels like long-term couples never fight. This is another surprising red flag that proves you’re probably not in love with your boyfriend. You want to have a more realistic view of love, and you want to know that you can fix problems and move on and still stay together.

6You’re A Little Too Comfortable Going To Parties By Yourself

Many couples breathe a big sigh of relief that they can bring each other to parties. It definitely sucks to be the only one without a plus-one and to be standing there, not sure who to talk to. But you don’t even think twice about it, and you’re super comfortable going to parties by yourself.

While it’s awesome to be confident enough to do that, why don’t you want to bring your boyfriend? It could be because you want some time away from him and you’re not as happy in the relationship as you once were. Even if you don’t realize that this is a red flag, it definitely is because you should want to bring him everywhere.

5In Fact, You’re More Confident On Your Own Than When You’re With Your Boyfriend (But Don’t See It As A Problem)

You feel more comfortable when you’re home alone or heading out to an event by yourself than you do when you’re spending time with your boyfriend. Although this is a red flag because you should feel just as comfortable with him, you don’t see it as a problem at all.

It’s totally possible that you’re ignoring the real issue that’s going on: you’re not in love with your boyfriend anymore. Maybe you’ve outgrown the relationship, or maybe you were never that comfortable with him but just told yourself that things would get better as time went on (and the opposite happened).

4You’re Becoming More Independent As Time Goes On

If you can say that you’re becoming more independent these days, that’s great… but it proves that you probably don’t want to be in your relationship. You can totally be independent and still have a boyfriend, but if you’re always doing things without him and that’s the way that you prefer it, then it’s a red flag.

When someone keeps their life separate from their partner, it generally seems like a sign that they want to break up with them. You might not even realize that this is a red flag, but you should want to share your days (and your life in general) with the person that you’re dating.

3You Don’t Talk About Your Feelings And Say That’s Just How You Are

When a couple is in love, they can’t help but share everything with one another. Everything gets out there in the open, including uncomfortable and negative feelings. If you were in love with your boyfriend, you would have no problem talking about your feelings with him. You might even be surprised that you could share so much with him.

Instead, you don’t talk about your feelings… but say that’s just how you are. Not everyone is super open about talking about emotions, but you should feel like you can always tell your partner anything. It’s a surprising red flag that you never want to tell him how you’re feeling.

2You Feel You’ve Grown Apart But Say That Happens To Every Couple

Sometimes couples break up and say that there is no big reason for splitting up, they just grew apart. You might be feeling like you and your boyfriend have grown apart, but you think, “Hey, this is just what happens to couples. It’s no big deal.”

This is another surprising red flag that proves that you’re probably not in love with him. Instead of thinking about why you feel this way and whether you want to stay in the relationship, you’re just assuming that every relationship becomes dull after a certain period of time. Couples who are truly in love never think that they’ve grown apart (and if there’s a problem, they definitely want to fix it).

1You Plan A Trip For Next Year With Friends But Never Think To Include Him In Your Travel Plans

Not every couple loves to travel, of course. Sometimes, one person adores it and the other would rather stick close to home most of the time. But generally speaking, you want to be able to travel with your partner at least sometimes because that’s a nice experience to share.

It’s a surprising red flag if you make travel plans with your friends but never think to plan a trip with your boyfriend. Maybe it feels normal because you never travel together, but don’t you want to be able to do things like that together?

All of these red flags are surprising, and they also prove one thing: you’re probably not in love with him.