It’s time to stop ignoring things just because you want a relationship to work out, it’s not worth it. You deserve to be with a guy that isn’t going to make a relationship hard on you. We could all use a lesson in learning from our mistakes. There are some things that you can look out for that might save you a lot of heartaches. Check out these 20 questionable things most women brush off about their relationship (& really shouldn’t).
20 You Ignore Your Own Deal Breakers
We all have our deal breakers, the things that we aren’t willing to compromise on in a relationship. Sometimes you are so excited to be dating someone, and you can’t stop looking at his abs that you ignore things that you normally wouldn’t. “People ignore their ‘deal breakers’ in relationships for many reasons,” says Kimberly Hershenson, LMSW.
“Sometimes, we are afraid of the truth because finding out the truth may lead to us having to make a change,”
she explains. But what if it’s something huge like you want kids but he doesn’t, and you decide to stay just to see if he will change his mind.
19 He Says He Prefers Life Off The Grid
So, you are dating a guy who says he prefers life off social media and you go with the flow only to find out he’s married with kids. Be suspicious of a guy who talks like that. One Cosmopolitan reader said,
“My partner consistently told me he preferred life off the grid. He didn’t want to be found, he didn’t want me to mention him on social media, and he was always talking about his fantasy of picking up and leaving to go somewhere to travel.
One night, I ended up locating his mother’s Facebook page. I found out he had three children and an ‘ex’ wife who he never told me about for the entire year we were seeing each other.”
18 You Can’t Seem To Remember The Good Times
All relationships have their highs and lows, but there should definitely be more highs than lows. If your relationship is getting to the point where you have a hard time remembering the “good times,” then it’s time to call it quits.
You may be going through a lot of emotional things in the relationship and when it becomes all bad, it’s a sign that things are over.
It’s best to not waste any more time in a relationship that is going nowhere.
17 He Makes Fun Of You A Lot
It’s one thing to joke around with your spouse but it shouldn’t seem like you are being made fun of all the time. One Cosmopolitan reader said, “I was dating this guy in college, and one of the biggest red flags was how often he would jokingly make fun of my personal taste in style.
He laughed at and called my favorite pair of jeans ‘MC Hammer pants’ when I wore them and hated dark red lipstick on me because it made me look ‘scary.’ I changed up a lot of what I wore or how I did my makeup around him just so I wouldn’t have to hear little comments.
I think I wore dark red lipstick for a week straight once we broke it off.”
16 Your Life Values Aren’t The Same
One thing you shouldn’t ignore is the fact that you have different values as your partner. There are major discussions you should have before you get into a serious relationship that involves religion, money and family.
“People are attracted to each other for all kinds of reasons, and it’s true that sometimes opposites do attract,”
says Denise Fournier, Ph.D., LMHC, a psychologist and founder of Evergreen Therapy in Miami, Florida. “But if you’re going to build a solid and lasting relationship with an intimate partner, it’s important that your core values are aligned,” she points out.
15 He Doesn’t Want To Meet Your Family
If your man never wants to meet your family, then that’s something questionable that you shouldn’t ignore. One Cosmopolitan reader said,
“Every time I asked him if he would meet my parents, he would deflect it and talk about something else or his busy schedule.
He always said there would be time down the road and not to rush it – but after six months, there was a growing pattern. We also never really met each other’s friends. If someone hangs out with you, you want to be connected in their lives.”
14 He Blows Up Every Time You Argue
If your partner snaps every time that you argue that can be an intimidation tactic to get you to back down. Whatever the goal is for his hot temper, it’s never a good scene to be in.
“Conflict is a healthy part of relationships, but how you resolve it can be either bonding or destructive,”
says Dr. Terri Orbuch, relationship expert, researcher, professor, and therapist. “If you handle conflict consistently in a destructive manner — like screaming, interrupting, yelling or calling your partner names, studies show that you are more than twice as likely to divorce or break up over time.”
13 He Lied About His Age
Lying, in general, is never a good thing but when someone is lying about their age, it’s usually because they assume you won’t accept them for who they are. So, what else is he hiding from you? One Cosmopolitan reader said,
“The first red flag was that he lied about his age. It took three dates for him to reveal that he was actually 10 years older than me.
Then he would consistently get jealous about me having conversations with male colleagues. He gave me the silent treatment for a whole day because I got a ride home from my male co-worker.”
12 You Never Want To Go Home To Him
If going home to your partner always means arguments and discord, then you probably don’t look forward to heading home after work. That’s something you shouldn’t ignore.
“There is no bigger telltale sign that a relationship is doomed if you avoid coming home at night,”
says Erika Boissiere, Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist, Founder of The Relationship Institute of San Francisco. “If you don’t want to see your partner, or be with them, you have already begun the break-up process in a passive way.”
11 He Was Dating Someone When You Met Him
One thing that some women ignore when they take a man from another woman, is the fact that he’s likely to do the same to them. Why wouldn’t he? He’s betrayed his partner in the past, so that’s not something to ignore just because you won him over. One Cosmopolitan reader said, “We were friends and starting to slowly like each other as more than that. There’s nothing wrong with that, except he had a long-distance girlfriend at the time and gradually started to open up about the relationship in a negative way, saying he felt stuck in it or wished she was ‘more ambitious like me.’ Needless to say, after they broke up and we finally hooked up, it was only a matter of weeks before he ditched me too.”
10 You Never Argue, He Always Caves
You may think that a relationship without arguing sure sounds like a perfect one. But generally, if there is zero arguing going on it’s because one or both of you are continuously caving just to avoid conflict. One Cosmopolitan reader said,
“We never really fought. He usually just caved in and agreed with whatever my complaints were, but never took real steps to change. I’m sure he had plenty of grievances in the relationship, but he was too much of a coward to bring them up or ever challenge me.
Later on, I caught him texting other girls. It was easier for him to sneak around than try to make this relationship actually mean something, or, you know, break up.”
9 You Don’t Want The Same Things
You may think that not being compatible in the bedroom isn’t a big deal, but you would be wrong. “If a couple finds that they are not compatible (e.g., she wants it more frequently than he does, or he is not drawn to her on a physical level), this is a sure sign that [bedroom] issues will be a problem in the long run,” explains Dr. Carla Marie Manly, a clinical psychologist based in California. “If one (or both) partners are not willing to face and address the issue head-on, time will only make it worse.”
8 He Gaslights You All The Time
Gaslighting may be a new term that’s gone around but it’s a behavior that’s been around for a really long time. “I wish I’d known about gaslighting before it happened to me!
When me and my ex began dating, I’d approach him with something that unsettled me and that conversation would shift immediately to why it wasn’t his fault, or why the thing shouldn’t have unsettled me in the first place.
Everything was my fault, and nothing was ever his. I wish I’d known that my feelings are always valid and no one gets to tell me that I’m crazy or to just be quiet.”
7 He’s Dealing With A Serious Issues
If you are seeing signs that your guy has serious personal struggles, you can be in for a long life of pain and agony. If you catch this behavior early on, you can get out of it before you get caught up in it. Former addicts can certainly be in relationships, but those situations are “beholden to the other person’s success with sobriety. Without it, both partners ebb and flow in a relational dance that is filled with toxicity and pain,” says Boissiere. “A relationship typically can weather [it] for a period of time before one partner gets exhausted,” she adds.
6 He Is Vague About Making Plans
If he is being vague about getting together with you it may because something else is going on. One Cosmopolitan reader said,
“We only saw each other 1 to 2 times a month because I lived an hour away. When I would reach out to him to make plans for a specific weekend and see if he had tentative plans with friends, he’d tell me he’d ‘get back to me.’
This led to consistent struggles when spending time together. I would come visit just to spend one-on-one time together, and when I showed up to our meeting spot, he’d already be drinking with his friends.”
5 You Can’t Agree On Where To Live
This was one issue that Jennifer Aniston and Justin Theroux ignored at the beginning of their relationship and it cost them their relationship in the end.
“People want to live in certain places. They have their dreams set on the where, when, at what age,”
says Erin Asquith, LCSW, founder of Versus Therapy in New Jersey. Long-distance relationships will only take you so far. If you can’t agree on somewhere to live, then it’s never going to work.
4 He Pushes You To Do Things You Don’t Want To Do
You should never have to do something that makes you uncomfortable in order to be with someone that you love. One Cosmopolitan reader said, “I was dating a guy when I was 19, who was pressuring me to smoke with him at parties. I was young, had never tried it, came from a very sheltered upbringing, and wasn’t really interested at all in trying it yet. He took my ‘no’ very personally – he said that if I refused to try it with him, that meant I was judging him for doing it (not true!).”
3 He Keeps Secrets From You
Keeping secrets from your partner is bad news all around. If you keep finding out that your man is keeping stuff from you, then you might as well walk away. Trust is very important in a relationship and if you can’t trust him, then it’s over.
“There is a difference between secrecy and privacy,” Lozano points out. “It’s totally okay and healthy to have privacy but keeping secrets can be a recipe for disaster.”
This is something you should never ignore.
2 You Have Nothing In Common
A lot could be said for opposites attracting but if you find that you are dealing with someone who annoys you because of the many things that are different about him, then that’s a problem. One Cosmopolitan reader said, “He loved The Big Bang Theory. Basically, when we met, we had a lot of differences in terms of entertainment tastes. Things hadn’t been working out with all the guys who had similar tastes as me, so I figured that I should give someone who loves something I hate a chance. Maybe I needed to open up. But the thing is, when it comes to dating, you should be allowed to be as choosy as you want.”
1 You Would Never Go To Him In A Crisis
Who do you go to talk to in a time of crisis? If it’s not your significant other, that’s a huge red flag. “One way of identifying who you feel emotionally close to is by asking yourself whom you would turn to for assistance and help in a stressful situation, like the loss of a job,” Orbuch advises.
“An unhealthy relationship is one where you would prefer to get help from anyone but your partner,”
she explains. “Your partner doesn’t have to be the only one you turn to in troubled times, but you should want to go to your partner for support.”