I never thought I would write you this letter.
You know how I am! With my shaky hands and my low voice that you never understood.
Somehow I never knew what to tell you or how to approach you because I always got stuck in my head, waiting for someone else to do everything for me.
But this one is all on me and there is no one who can confront you like I can. So here I am with all I have to tell you.
I was afraid to write this. My head kept on telling me not to but I knew deep inside that I wasn’t going to sleep well until I told you all the things that hurt about you.
First of all, why did you use my anxiety to leave me?
I get it. Sometimes it’s hard to love me. My head keeps on screaming and telling me things that are not real.
I would overthink things to the point where I wasn’t able to enjoy our relationship. I was so worried about what would happen tomorrow that today didn’t count for me.
In moments I would forget to breathe because the thought of losing you stole my breath away.
But none of those things would have mattered to you if you truly did love me.
You never understood how I felt and sometimes I was happy because of that. You didn’t have to go through the same things I did, so I was happy for you.
But I do wish that you had understood me at least to some extent. So I didn’t have to feel so lonely and judged.
You told me that my anxiety was stronger than the love I had for you. But that was not true!
The only reason why I was so anxious in the first place was because I was scared to lose the only person I let in so close to see all my darkness.
I let you into my life and I let you see everything that I was. I told you about my insecurities, about my thoughts and the emotions that followed.
I told you how important you were to me and that whenever you would hug me, my heart felt just a little less heavy.
It’s like you hugged all the sadness away and you will never know how much that meant to me.
It took me a while to realize that my anxiety didn’t make me hard to love. Even though I strongly believe that, it still doesn’t feel right to say it out loud because you made me believe that there was something wrong with me.
But there wasn’t.
I didn’t need ‘fixing’, I didn’t need ‘time’. I needed someone who was going to stay by side long enough to convince me that it was all right to feel the way I felt.
I needed someone who was going to love me together with my anxiety because that was a part of me.
But you chose to leave and now I see that it was all right.
You told me that I was too anxious to love you? Let me tell you that my anxiety never stood in the way of how I felt about you.
It just made everything more dramatic. Little things like you talking to another woman made me see a more suitable partner for you.
Those weren’t moments where you should have gotten mad at me but rather moments where you could have shown me that there was no one you would love more than me.
You never really had a reason to leave besides the fact that you didn’t want to love my anxiety as a part of me.
You wanted it gone, you thought that I could be healed. But it is not that easy. It takes hard work and a lot of safety but you didn’t give me either of those.
If anything, the fact that you left me made me even more anxious, because that is when I was certain that there was something wrong with me.
So here I am, to finally tell you that there is nothing wrong with me. I am completely fine.
Of course I forget to breathe, of course my mind makes me forget certain events because it was in a completely different place at that moment but it’s OK.
I have learned to live with it and accept it and if anything, the fact that you left made me love myself even more.
I realized that if anyone is going to love me, they have to love each part of me, not just the parts they choose to love and others they choose to simply ignore.
Me and my anxiety are a package deal and I know that it won’t keep me from falling in love, for I will give my heart to someone one day when I am ready again.
And no, if you were wondering, I don’t miss you anymore. I don’t think about you anymore. With this letter I am giving myself closure.
With love,
The girl who accepted herself
