If I had to describe my life in one word back then it would be ‘waiting’. I was always waiting for something. I waited for his texts and calls. I waited for him to find time for me. I waited for him to say, “I love you”. I waited for him to be ready for a relationship. I waited for him to chose me, but he never did.
The sad part is, and it’s all but easy to admit, I would probably still be waiting if he hadn’t left me. I would still be settling for his empty words and false promises. I would still be ok with being his backup plan. I would still hold on to the hope that something will shift inside of him and we will end up together.
I kept lying to myself. I lied that I was fine with the way things were. I lied that I didn’t need labels. I lied about being laid back and relaxed, a ‘whatever happens – happens’ kind of girl. I lied because I wanted him in my life so badly and that was the only way I could have him.
I chose to ignore all the red flags flying before my eyes, warning me to stay away. I couldn’t help but see them. He said to me that he is not ready for a relationship just yet, and like a fool, I kept holding on to the “just yet” part of the sentence, thinking that things will change in the future.
I made excuses for his behavior thinking that all he needed was more time.
By waiting for him to fall for me, I just kept falling for him harder and harder. My infatuation with him turned into love and I hoped the same would happen on his side. As I was getting more and more attached, I kept interpreting all the signs the way I wanted to see them.
All the little signs of affection he was showing me were so grand in my head. I lived out of bits and pieces of attention he was giving me, even though it was never enough. I always felt deprived. I always craved more, but I settled for less because I felt like I have no other choice.
He cared about me. I know that. I am sure of it even now. But he never loved me. Not the way I loved him. He only loved me halfway. I only had a small place in his heart. He loved me like his backup plan while my entire heart was his. While I was dreaming of our life with him, he always knew he was not there to stay
That’s why my entire heart got shattered into millions of little pieces and I still haven’t gathered them all. On the other hand, his remained whole, undamaged, untouched because he was never mine like I was his.
He was my greatest love and my biggest and hardest lesson. He taught me that if love doesn’t go both ways, it’s worthless. He taught me that hurt can be even greater when you are in something that doesn’t have labels and doesn’t promise commitment.
He taught me that I have to respect myself enough and wait for what I deserve. That I shouldn’t chase after anyone, telling them how great we could be together if they don’t see it themselves. That my love alone wasn’t enough. That I am stronger than I think and that I can make myself happy.
Most importantly, he taught me that I should never settle for being somebody’s backup plan when I deserve to be somebody’s first and only option.