They say when the past calls you should let it ring. It has nothing new to say. But what if it does?
What if your past didn’t really want to get back into your life? What if your past wanted to say ‘I’m sorry’? What if your past wanted to point out the things you never saw and say things you could never hear? What if the past that called you wanted to give you proper closure and a proper goodbye so both of you could continue with your lives? What if your past didn’t call to mess up your life now when you’ve seemingly got everything figured out but to wish you the best of luck? Would this change anything? Would it better your life? Would it make any sense?
I didn’t only call because I thought you are the one that needed closure. I needed it as well. I was so selfish to call you during your happiest period of life. You’re getting married. You figured it all for yourself, didn’t you?
You say she has these amazingly blue eyes and that is what tied you to her. You used to love my eyes as well. They drove you crazy—I know they did. You say she’s everything opposite of me. She respects you, she knows what she has next to herself, and she holds tight onto you. She knows what you need and she never disobeys. You and your wishes are her priority.
Let’s face it—somehow she’s just like me. Only she lets you have it your way sometimes. And instead of fighting back, she can’t help but cry. She’s your safe haven. You’ll always have her. Just like you never had me.
I never let you get away with bossing me around. I never let you have it your way. I always had the need to show you I am my own ‘man’ and I do as it pleases me. I fought my own battles just because I needed to prove to myself that I can make it on my own. Somewhere down the road, I started proving others I can make it alone. Everybody knew I could do it, but that didn’t stop me from showing off.
I made you feel like I don’t need you. I made sure to constantly remind you of that. I made you feel insecure and I made you forget about how much you love me and how much I love you. I destroyed you emotionally. I destroyed us and I killed every chance we might have had.
Time has its ways to show us where we’re mistaken and that’s why I’m calling after all this time. I’m calling to apologize. For making you feel unworthy. For making you feel unloveable. For not making you my priority. For choosing everybody else over you. For not hearing you out. For ignoring your wishes. For being ‘cool’ when you touched me. For making you take it out on other girls and punishing them for my mistakes. I’m sorry for emotionally destroying you. I’m sorry for pushing away the only man who truly loved me.
Thank you for not giving me the chance to tell you how much I miss you. Thanks for not letting me mess with your plans. Thanks for not letting me remind you of what we meant to each other even though I’m sure you’ll never forget. Thanks for not letting me explain why I behaved the way I did. Thanks for not letting me tell you about my insecurities. Thanks for not letting me tell you I love you and for sparing me going through that hell after you’d have chosen her over me.
Thanks for not letting me ruin our lives one more time. Thanks for letting it ring.