The other day I was scrolling through social media and I saw a quote that broke my heart in an instant. I didn’t even know that it was possible for something so simple to open up wounds that never properly healed.
‘Please tell me that I am not as forgettable as your silence is making me feel’.
Did you forget me? I see that you have a new life in which I don’t even have space. I don’t fit with the new you and this life that you have begun far away from me. But I can’t help but wonder if you still remember me. Of course, there are two possible answers and both of which are destructive to me.
If you don’t miss me, if you have forgotten about me, you never cared. To think that someone so precious, so special to me, would one day just disappear and never think of me again is breaking me into pieces. I don’t want to believe that you never cared, because that would mean that every little thing that we went through was a lie.
If you do miss me, if you haven’t forgotten about me, then you still care. Should I even be looking for these answers? Do I really want to know that you still care about me? Yes. I want to know if it hurts you to remember what you did to me. I want you to regret ever leaving and ever thinking that out there is someone more suitable for you than me.
I still think of you. Sometimes, when I wake up in the morning after a dream about you, I imagine that I am turning to the other side and that I see you lying right there next to me, with your eyes closed and your slow breath touching my skin. How pathetic can I get, you wonder? I can’t even put it into words.
I will forever remember you. You were the first man who showed me that love was more than just happy days and sunsets. You showed me that I was able to love a man who didn’t even know how to love me back. I loved you more than you will ever know and maybe I love you still but there is no need for you to know that.
I was always a lover of mornings. Mornings made me always feel so pure and loving. Maybe because I would wake up next to you, knowing that the day would be ours, knowing that I had so much to look forward to and so many memories to make with you. At that time I didn’t know that memories would be the only things that I would have from you.
I am left with memories and loneliness. It’s like my heart is still calling out your name and I try to shut it up but the emotions overwhelm me to the point where I can’t even control my tears. But it’s fine. I have been going through these outbursts of emotions since you’ve been gone.
We haven’t spoken since you left, have we? You never unfriended me and neither did I have the courage to do so. I knew that there would be days where I would love to see you. At least in a picture. You never texted me to see how I was doing, so I assumed that you didn’t want me to write you either. How heartbreaking and sad it all must be looking in from the outside, knowing all the things that we’ve been through and now we’re strangers with nothing else except a few memories.
I am all of those things and I will continue to be for who knows how long. But I won’t mourn in despair for too long. It’s 3am here and when the sun rises again I will go back to my life again. Maybe not ever remembering that I thought of you tonight. Maybe I will even go and find someone who looks like you and ask myself why they look so familiar to me.
But for now, goodnight my love. I hope that one day you remember me too, when a stranger does something to remind you of me or when you stumble upon a memory.