This is a letter to the person who I see is making an effort and this is a letter for the person I just don’t know how to keep.
I’m so sorry, I know you’re trying your best and I know you’re busting your ass just to see a little sign coming from me and each time you leave, you leave disappointed more and more. You keep trying and I keep pushing you away. You keep evoking my emotions and I keep responding with a blank face.
The truth is, I don’t know what to do with you. The ugly truth is I know you’re a good person and I’d hate to mess you up. And I will because that’s what I do. I find it hard to love since I loved and ended up broken. Since then, if I love, I do it in silence. I guard myself with all the power I have in me. That’s why you haven’t seen me respond to any of your emotions, that’s why I keep remaining blank-faced. What you don’t know is that I’m everything but indifferent towards you. I want to let you in, I just don’t know how.
Please, don’t let my past push you away. Don’t let what I’ve been through scare you away. Yes, I’m like this because of what previously happened to me, but I’d love to believe that not everybody is the same. I’d love to think that there are good men out there who’ll fight for the people they love. If you love me, fight for me.
Please, don’t let my doubts push you away. Don’t get scared of my questions, don’t let me terrify you with all the interrogation I subject you to. I just doubt everything there is and it takes time for me to get used to good people. There were too many bad ones and I just can’t go with the flow. If I let the water carry me one more time, I might end up falling over too high of a waterfall. If you truly love me, make my doubts go away.
Please, don’t let my fear push you away. I need you to be brave. I need you to be confident and I know it’s hard when all I’m doing is projecting my insecurities on you. I know I’ve said ‘no’ to you so many times, but I did it thinking it’s better to save myself now, to cut it all in the roots before I’ve fallen for you completely. I’m only scared of the possibility that this, what we have, might end in the chaos, and truth to be told, I don’t know if I’m strong enough to go through another storm. If you love me, show me I can trust you.
Please, don’t allow me to stay in my comfort zone. I want to stay single not because I’m afraid of dating, but because I’m afraid of being broken again. It so much easier to not let anyone in. It’s way easier to be lonely than to love and be betrayed. But if I don’t let anyone in soon, my warmth for people might be lost. I might become a lost cause and I might forget how amazing and warming it is to love and to be loved. I might forget how incredible my hands feel in the hands of somebody else I love and how it’s amazing to have someone’s arms to crawl into after a long day. If you love me, make me want more.
Please, save me from myself. You’re the only one who cared to come this close. I know I’m a tough fortress and that my walls are hard to breach, but I might just open the door to my life if you help me.
If you love me, don’t give up on me. Show me how love feels again. Show me that your love is worth the risk. Actually, don’t make me gamble, make me play safe. Make my doubts go away, kiss my fears goodbye, break my comfort zone and kick my past the hell out of my life.
I know you’re not guilty of my previous heartbreaks, but neither am I. I didn’t deserve all the pain I got. The only way to save myself was to guard up and that’s what I did.
Now that you’ve come along, I don’t know what to do. I feel like a sleeping beauty who needs your kiss to wake up. I’m not going to let you in on my own. But you can help me. I promise you, once I feel free to love you, I’ll love you like nobody loved you ever before. I’ll love you with my whole body and soul.
What you don’t know is that broken girls love beautifully. But only if somebody tries hard enough. I want you to be that somebody.