For as long as I can remember, I was a girl who followed her heart. I was someone who was chasing love and who believed in love.
I’ve always believed that every romantic relationship and especially marriage should be based on love.
That love is the basic foundation of every healthy and successful emotional partnership.
I’ve always thought that everything can be compensated for and that a relationship can work out if something else is missing but where there is no love, you can never succeed.
I’ve always thought that love is enough and that it has to exist between two people who want to be happy together.
Throughout the years, I’ve listened to different stories.
I’ve listened to people who kept telling me that there are some things more important than love, such as respect, compassion, empathy, appreciation, friendship and compromise.
I’ve listened to people telling me that their spouse is not the love of their life and that they loved someone else more in the past.
That things simply couldn’t work out between their soulmate and them and they chose someone else to be their forever person.
And I thought this was all bullshit. I thought that you always had to fight for love and I thought that everything was possible as long as a couple shared a strong love.
I thought that you could overcome every obstacle and surpass every difficulty if you just had enough love for the person sitting next to you and if that person loved you with the same intensity.
But this opinion brought me a lot of trouble in the past. Allowing myself to always follow my heart and believing in love, no matter what, has caused me many problems.
Being a hopeless romantic has brought me many tears and much pain.
And with time, I’ve changed. I’ve become a person who settles in a relationship.
I’ve stopped looking for a twin-flame love, for love which will give me butterflies and for my soulmate. I’ve stopped looking for someone who will make me feel like I’m on top of the world.
Because I became afraid. I became scared of that feeling because I knew it never ended well for me.
So I started looking for guys who I was comfortable with. For guys who didn’t provoke any strong emotions in me.
I started looking for safety and for peace. I started looking for someone I’d get along with well, even if I knew I could never love him for real.
But deep down, I know this is not what I want for myself.
Yes, I am petrified of loving again because I am petrified of getting hurt again. But the truth is that I am even more terrified of spending the rest of my life without experiencing true love.
Call me childish and immature but the truth is that I am terrified that I’ll end up in a loveless marriage.
That I’ll end up marrying someone because my reason tells me that it is a good idea at that time.
That I’ll spend the rest of my life with someone because it’s time for me to settle down with a man and to start a family.
That I’ll end up marrying a person I just tolerate. A person who doesn’t get on my nerves and a person I can stand.
That I’ll end up marrying a man who is good on paper.
A man who looks nice, who is responsible, who has a good job and who is mature enough to become someone’s husband. A man who respects me and whom I respect.
That I’ll end up marrying a man who fulfills all of my standards and understands my deal-breakers. That I’ll end up marrying someone who can be my friend and nothing else.
But that I’ll never share any similar interests or passions with this man.
That I’ll know that he is not my true soulmate and that I married him because it was the right thing to do or because I got scared of ending up alone.
But that I will never love this man for real. That I’ll never fall in love with him and that I’ll never feel any passion for him.
And that I will spend the rest of my life longing for the things I’m missing.
That I’ll spend the rest of my life deprived of love. And that I’ll spend the rest of my life regretting making this decision.