We just clicked from the first day we met. Just looking into your eyes filled my heart with such peace and serenity that I was finally home.
I fell for you so hard, without even taking the time to think about it. I guess I’d been single for so long that I forgot what being taken looks like and I really missed that feeling.
I missed the warmth of a strong male embrace. I missed having someone to call my own. Someone I had a natural connection with and could talk to for hours without even thinking about what I was going to say next.
For a second there, I thought, ‘This is it.’ ‘This is what I’ve been waiting for my whole life.’ ‘I’ve finally found someone I can imagine my forever with.’
All those fences surrounding my heart, all those guards protecting the gate that led to it, allowed you to come in without really checking if you deserved to be there.
I just chose to believe you. I trusted you.
I trusted you more than I trusted myself. That’s why I kept silencing that little voice inside my head telling me to be careful.
I ignored all the red flags waving before my eyes and blamed it all on the past. I thought that all the emotional baggage and all the trust issues I had owing to my past relationships were making me doubt you.
I kept lying to myself that everything was OK when it actually wasn’t. I kept deluding myself until you revealed your true face.
It was time to face the truth. I couldn’t unsee the things I saw. I couldn’t unhear all the hurtful things you were saying. I couldn’t pretend that you were the best when you were one of the worst.
I am so disappointed right now. Disappointed in both of us.
In you because you turned out to be just like everyone else and in me because I allowed you to come so close, even though all the red flags were there.
I guess my hopes were bigger than all the crappiness you put me through. I kept hoping you would come around with time. I wanted it so badly that I kept insisting on staying in something that was far from a healthy or loving relationship.
I couldn’t have been more wrong about you. You never changed, you just got worse with time. And I partially blame myself for it.
I should have left sooner. I shouldn’t have followed my heart and left my brain behind. It made me forget what I deserved and I settled for less.
That’s something I promised myself a long time ago that I’d never do. But here I am, I’ve done it again.
But I think I learned my lesson this time. I am sick and tired of having my heart walked on. I am tired of this constant brokenness in my life. I am exhausted.
But I know I will get through this. I will glue, tape and hold together my heart. But I hope I will never have to do it again after this.
I don’t want to keep on repeating the same old scenario over and over again. I am tired of acting all strong and tough all the time while I’m crumbling on the inside. I am tired of hiding all those tears behind my smile.
I am tired of fake loves, lousy people and false promises. I can’t stand them anymore. That’s why I will never again settle for anything less than I deserve. That’s why I am going to keep my eyes wide open the next time someone wants to enter my heart.
Next time, this time, all the time, I am going to love myself more.
I will glue my heart differently, I will make higher the fences and put some extra guards at the gates of my heart and until someone who’s worth the risk comes along, nobody else will be able to get in.