When I say, “I love you,” I am saying ‘forever’. When I say that I am afraid to lose you, I am saying that I have no idea how would my life move on without you. It makes me sound as if I am seemingly desperate and I don’t actually mind.
You know me too well, so you know why I cry when I lay on your chest, listening to your heartbeat. You know it’s because I’m afraid that your heart might stop and I will be left alone to fight with the idea that you’re no longer by my side.
I am selfish but at the same time, I would give everything to you. I am selfish to the point where I want you all to myself, just so I could give myself and everything that I am to you.
It’s a contradiction that I face from day to day, trying to understand what my heart and mind are telling me. It took me some time to realize that it’s nothing possessive but rather the fear of not being able to look at you or not being able to tell you how much I truly, deeply love you.
I am afraid to lose you because I can’t see myself loving anyone else and the thought that someone could possibly take your place one day is like poison to my mind because I don’t want that.
I don’t want to meet someone else and have to explain to them why I think that the stars are so beautiful. I don’t want to have to explain myself to someone else when I start screaming how beautiful the sunset looks.
When I did all that in front of you, you just smiled, hugged me and kissed my forehead. It’s still my favorite kiss. It’s like you’re telling me that you’re not going anywhere and that you will always protect me.
I want that. I really do want that. I want you to stay by my side so we can protect one another, because there is no one out there who can understand us the way we understand everything in the life of the other.
If you find someone new (God forbid) and figure out that you will be happier with her, with leaving me, you would take my heart with you. You would leave an empty shell behind.
But, I want you to be happy. If that means leaving me, then go ahead. But be happy.
Just like you want me to be happy.
These thoughts don’t change the fact that I’m still afraid of a life without you by my side. That’s why everything I am and everything I will ever be, I’m giving to you.
I am afraid of mornings where I won’t be able to wake up seeing your wonderful, innocent face.
I’m afraid of nights that I might fall asleep not being able to curl up next to you and not being able to feel your warm breath on my face and the warmth of your body, so close to mine. I don’t want to see any of those scenes happen.
And I know that you don’t want that either. My fears are based on previous experiences that told me that if you hold someone dear, they will leave.
You never gave me a reason to think that you were going to show me your back and walk away. It’s just that I’ve learned that with loving someone, comes losing them.
Sorry that I’m so complicated. Sorry for telling you this for the hundredth time, but I am afraid to lose you.