I Choose You Even When You Are Not An Option

You and I have not been together for years and our relationship is just a part of the distant past. At least, it should be.

Actually, when I come to think of it, we’ve probably spent more time apart than together.

And I assume I don’t even cross your mind anymore.

I assume that you don’t remember the tone of my voice or the scent of my hair. You don’t remember how it felt to kiss me or to have me in your arms.

I assume you’ve completely forgotten that I was ever a part of your life.

I know you moved on a long time ago. I assume that you are happy somewhere without me and that our relationship hasn’t had the slightest impact on your life for a while now.

And I know you are not coming back to me. It would be unrealistic to expect for you to just walk back into my life after all these years, as if nothing happened, telling me you spent all of this time missing me like crazy.

But all of this doesn’t prevent me from thinking about you. It doesn’t prevent me from loving you and from missing you.

And it sure doesn’t prevent me from still choosing you, even though you are no longer an option.

Because let’s face it—you have not been an option for me since the day you walked out of my life.

And to be honest, you were never my real option even when we were together because I always knew that we had no future.

And the truth is that I stopped waiting for you a while ago..

But it’s just that I still choose you over every other guy who comes into my life.

I’m not going to lie to you—I’ve been with other guys. But every time I see that things are getting serious, I simply back out. And I choose you over each and every one of them.

I still look for you in every one of them. I search for your smile and for the way you looked at me. I search for the way you made me feel.

And no other guy has ever made me feel the way you did. And not one of them was ever you.

I still choose you over myself.

Although you have not been a part of my life for years, I know I am the one who deliberately chooses to be stuck in the same place you left me.

The one who chooses not to move on and the one who chooses to hold on to you, even though you are not an option for me.

I still choose to see the movies I know you would like and I still listen to all the music that reminds me of you.

I still wear the things I know you would think I look pretty in and I still wear the same perfume you loved.

I still choose to walk by your old house every single day when I’m coming home from work, even though you don’t live there anymore.

I still choose to look at your old bedroom window, expecting you to turn on the light and to invite me to come in.

I still choose to look at our old photos and to wear your old T-shirts, because they all remind me of you.

I still choose to hang out with your old friends, expecting them to tell me something else about you.

I still choose to stalk you on social media, expecting to find a part of me that hasn’t vanished from inside of you.

But most of all—I still choose the past over the present and over the future.

I still choose to have you in my mind and in my heart, even though you are not physically present in my life.

I still choose to live in our happy moments and to think about all the things that could have been of us.

To constantly replay in my head every beautiful memory we shared and to imagine you lying next to me every time I’m trying to go to sleep.

I’m still choosing to love you more than I love myself.