How To Get Over Someone: The Ultimate Guide To Moving On
Heartbreak: the word that is the opposite of love and that can change your life within seconds.
At the end of a relationship with your significant other, all you can think of is why and how.
Why do you have to go through these post-breakup casualties of a broken heart, and how can you get over someone you loved so deeply?
Soon you find yourself with a gallon of ice cream while re-watching your favorite TV shows and heartbreaking movies such as The Notebookin order to give you a sense of understanding and some kind of a closure over your failed relationship.
At one moment in the grieving process, you find yourself thinking about what happened in all of your past relationships, stalking your ex on social media becomes your main hobby, and your next relationship equals mission impossible.
You simply can’t see the light at the end of the tunnel even if it would be illuminated by a fluorescent lamp.
(I hope I made you laugh even for a second because I know how hard it is to even think of moving your lips, let alone smile when you’re in that situation).
And that’s okay. It’s totally okay to feel like total crap, to cry out loud, and to curse your destiny because you’re only human after all.
It’s okay to let the negative emotions overwhelm you because you’re a human being made of flesh, emotions, passion and will.
It’s okay to feel hopeless about letting go because it is a process, and it will take a lot of time and patience until something changes.
So, I will not tell you (like the majority of others) that you will get over someone if you strictly do this or that. No, things don’t work that way.
When a relationship ends, you enter the realm of uncertainty, disappointment, and hopelessness, and all this is a part of the healing process.
You have to feel it in order to heal it because the only way out is through!
Even though dwelling in pain and dealing with confusing emotions is the last thing you would want to do, it’s necessary because you need to go through it in order to delete it, destroy it—exterminate it.
The biggest mistake you could do is try to ignore all those painful emotions and pretend that you’re happy while literally dying from the inside.
You need to accept the fact that it’s okay to feel the way you’re feeling because breaking up with your loved one equals losing yourself, your sanity, and feeling like you’ll never be able to love again.
Romantic relationships end for various reasons, but you need to know that your life doesn’t end with them (even though it feels like the opposite), and all you need to do is give yourself a fair amount of time to grieve.
And if it feels impossible and you feel like you’re going to burst like a bubble from all the pain that has accumulated in your body and mind, then you know you’re not grieving the loss of your loved one, but you’re grieving the loss of an idea you had about your future life with your loved one.
It’s important to understand this one because it can significantly change your perspective on heartbreak and speed up the entire healing process.
At the end of the relationship, the entire sequence of possibilities and things that could have happened in the future ran through your head like a hurricane because now that you broke up, this sequence has disappeared into thin air, and you simply can’t accept it yet.
You can’t accept the fact that your life will change its course, and all the things you’ve imagined will never become a reality.
And that’s where you lose yourself. So, if you’re wondering how to get over someone you are in love with, the answer is in finding yourself again because that’s what you’ve lost in the first place.
Yes, you lost your ex-partner in crime, your lover, and probably a best friend all in one, but you also lost yourself because you’re no longer defined by your old relationship.
All of a sudden, you’re left on your own and that feeling of hopelessness is what terrifies you the most; that feeling of losing your identity and losing the sense of the future that you could have had together.
Another important thing to understand is that getting over someone is a process and not a destination. It’s a process that requires patience and some more patience (no matter how irritating this sounds to you).
And the sooner you start the healing process, the sooner you’ll start feeling better!
So, let’s not waste any more time, and instead, take a deep breath and dive decisively into the matter!
The ultimate guide consists of the aspects that are crucial for restoring your identity, finding your true self, and focusing on establishing a positive outlook.
Some of these aspects are: self-care, accepting, observing things from a different perspective, finding new sources of meaning, appreciating, and so on, and they are of utmost importance when it comes to the art of moving on!
1. Surround yourself with people who truly care about you
After a breakup, you enter a zone of negative emotions that can be really draining for your overall well-being. It’s because the only thing you can think of is them—your ex.
The only thing you’re focused on is thinking about why they’re no longer in your life and why things ended the way they ended.
You build walls around yourself and you don’t let anyone near them, not even your close people who were always there for you in good times and bad.
And that’s exactly what you need to do in order to gradually detach from that toxic zone of negative emotions.
You need to surround yourself with people who truly care about you because by doing that, you will create a zone of positive emotions which is crucial to the healing process.
Spend time with your close friends and family. Contact that old friend you haven’t heard from for a long time now, and enjoy every second of reuniting and doing things you like.
2. Allow yourself to feel the negative emotions
While spending time with people who truly care about you is the first step to healing, allowing yourself to feel the negative emotions is also one of the necessary steps right after a breakup.
As already said above: You have to feel it in order to heal it because the only way out is through! Now, what does this mean?
It means that you must not suppress your feelings and emotions because this will not bring you anything good. In fact, it will only prolong your pain and the healing process.
You need to allow yourself to feel the negative emotions, cry out loud if needed, curse everything and everyone, and eat tons of chips or ice cream.
But, the only thing that you mustn’t do—no matter what—is suppress what you feel. Suppressing is like freezing yourself in the painful state that you’re in, and if you freeze it, you’ll stay forever like that.
You need to defrost yourself by allowing yourself to indulge in the spectrum of negative and painful emotions because that’s the only way to accept them and move on.
3. Take an objective look at what the relationship was really like and why it ended
After a relationship ends, it’s really hard to look at things objectively because you still think with your heart.
You tend to focus only on the things that were once positive, thus neglecting all the negative aspects of your past relationship.
This practice makes you stuck in a labyrinth of illusion where you’re convinced that things could have progressed differently even though deep down in your heart, you know that this is not true.
And when you’re convinced that things could have ended differently, you deliberately decide to keep dwelling in your pain and tormenting yourself over things you couldn’t or can’t control.
That’s why you need to take an objective look at what the relationship was really like.
Ask yourself whether you were genuinely happy in the relationship and how things changed—because they probably did given that you’re no longer together.
Were you or your partner overly jealous or have you damaged the trust in your relationship somehow?
Did you stop making an effort, surprising each other, and fighting for what you had?
Once you realize what really happened and why your relationship ended, it will be easier for you to accept the breakup and to implement these lessons into your future relationships as well.
4. Get to know yourself again
When being in a relationship, you literally lose some parts of yourself because of the need to compromise, to sacrifice, and so on.
This means that you lose yourself, and that makes the heartbreak even more heartbreaking and unbearable.
That’s why it’s important to get to know yourself again—to figure out who you really are, what you need, what are your passions, your purpose, and what makes you happy and fulfilled.
If you want to learn how to get over someone whom you loved deeply, you need to fall in love with yourself again, and the sooner you start working on it, the sooner you’ll start feeling better about the whole breakup thing.
Instead of wasting your time on overthinking, do things you love and you’re passionate about. Cook new meals, find a new hobby, learn to dance, sing or just go for a long walk.
Think about yourself before the relationship and what are the lessons that you’ve learned in the process. Think about what you really want in the future and how you want to feel.
You certainly don’t want to stay forever in this state of misery that you’re in at the moment, right?
So, acknowledging it and wishing that you felt happy and carefree is the first step to healing. Taking care of yourself is the first step to getting to know yourself again.
5. Talk it out with someone
If you’re feeling too overwhelmed while coping with your negative feelings on your own, another alternative would be talking it out with someone.
As a matter of fact, you should do it even if you prefer dealing with your emotions alone. Why?
Because when you talk to someone eye to eye, you can express yourself more easily and see things more clearly.
Sometimes, all we need is someone to listen to us because by saying everything that’s on our hearts, we’re getting rid of the painful weight on our shoulders.
And we see things differently. When you’re thinking about something on your own in your own four walls, you risk entering the zone of overthinking which can cause real damage in the long run.
But, when you share your thoughts with others, these thoughts turn into something meaningful.
They become perfectly organized, thus making it easier for you to understand the whole situation.
6. Put your thoughts and emotions on paper
Another alternative to talking it out to someone is putting all your thoughts and emotions on paper in a safe environment.
This will give you a clear insight on how you really feel about the breakup, if there’s any progress, and what you should be doing differently.
Perhaps an even better idea is journaling because it will help you track the progress of your feelings day by day.
Whenever you feel odd or feel like doing something that you shouldn’t (such as stalking your ex on social media or begging him to come back to you), just write it down in your journal, and you’ll feel much better.
Basically, write down the following: I have the abnormal urge to call my ex and tell him some things so that he can see that we belong together, but I know that I shouldn’t be doing this because I need to detach from the breakup and spend time on my own or with my friends.
If I do it, I know that I will only prolong the pain that I’m feeling at the moment and that’s why I won’t do it. Period.
Whenever you have these urges to do something “out of the ordinary”, just write down the reasons why you want to do it and why you think you shouldn’t.
Then read it a few times until it kicks in. I promise you, it helps.
7. Get out of your comfort zone
After a few days spent in bed with gallons of ice cream, TV shows, and movies, you fall into a routine called inactivity.
Inactivity is the biggest enemy of the healing process, and that’s why you need to get out of your rut by getting out of your comfort zone.
Summarized, you need to do things that you don’t normally do and things that you’re, let’s say, passionate about.
This includes bungee jumping, going for a walk at 3 AM, acting like a complete fool on the street with your friends, wearing unconventional clothes, ordering something really creepy that you’d never normally eat, and similar.
Getting out of your comfort zone also means facing your fears, challenging yourself, and accepting the fact that you only live once, so why not enjoy life while you can?
Why should you waste your time on overthinking about your ex while you could be enjoying life to the fullest?
Now, I know that this is easier said than done, but it’s true, and the sooner you accept it, the better.
8. Accept that loss is part of life and there was a reason why the relationship didn’t work out
You need to accept the fact that both loss and gain are inevitable parts of life, and there was a reason why the relationship didn’t work out.
Usually, the number one reason why a relationship ends is because you weren’t meant to be because if you were, you would still be together.
Instead of blaming yourself or your partner, try to be grateful for the breakup (no matter how weird it sounds) because God never takes away something from you without replacing it with something better.
Just because your relationship failed, this doesn’t mean that your love life will be doomed eternally.
Again, there’s a reason why the relationship didn’t work out, and there’s no point in being in an unhappy relationship for the rest of your life, right?
By losing something toxic like a bad relationship, you’re opening doors to greatness in the future where you’ll finally be happy with someone with whom you’re meant to be!
9. Remember there isn’t just one person out there for you
When we fall in love with someone, we think that’s the only person for us, and we’re not interested in anyone else.
We forget the fact that there are billions of other people in the world, and there isn’t just one person out there for us.
We forget that because we fall in love with their quirks and flaws, their smile, their special way of doing things, and their unique personality.
And, when we break up, we convince ourselves that we’ll never find another person like them with their characteristics.
But, what if we met someone who was even more special in their own unique way than the person we broke up with?
We never think of the fact that falling in love again has nothing to do with finding someone identical or similar to our ex, but it happens naturally when we least expect it, and it happens for no apparent reason.
So, while you may be convinced that you’ll never be able to fall in love with someone else again, I can assure you that you will (because it happened to me).
THINGS YOU SHOULD NEVER DO IF YOU WANT TO GET OVER SOMEONE!
The process of getting over someone is not only about focusing on things that you should do, but also keeping in mind those things that you shouldn’t do.
To help you prevent yourself from making mistakes that could prolong your healing process, here are some things that you should never do—no matter what:
1. Over-analyzing why the relationship ended
While it’s necessary and important to acknowledge all the facts and potential reasons why the relationship ended, it’s not recommended to overanalyze it. Why?
Because by doing that, you’re not defining things but prolonging the pain.
Remember that you need to have a clear perspective on your breakup and overthinking and overanalyzing will have the opposite fact.
2. Holding on to anger or blame
When a relationship ends, it’s in our nature to be determined to find the culprits for why it really ended.
We often blame ourselves or our ex-partner, and we hold on to anger because we failed at doing something differently and similar.
Whenever you feel like this, remind yourself that no one is to blame for what happened.
You broke up because it was necessary and because there was a real reason why the relationship simply didn’t work out.
There’s no need to hold on to anger or blame because it will not change anything.
3. Stalking your ex on social media
The first thing that the majority of people do once they break up with their partner is stalking them on social media.
But, this is a big no-no, and I think it’s pretty much self-explanatory.
Basically, stalking is another word for torturing yourself because it means that you haven’t accepted that things have ended between you and that you still wish to be a part of their life, even if it means only virtually.
Don’t do that. Block them on your social media, stop calling and contacting them, and soon you’ll stop thinking about them.
It’s as simple as that but, as everything else, this practice needs patience and time.
4. Begging your ex to come back to you
If you want to learn how to get over someone, you definitely shouldn’t beg them to come back to you.
This includes constantly contacting them or reaching your mutual friends and asking them to be your middlemen or something.
Remember that getting over someone is about deleting them from your life and not welcoming them back—no matter how much it seems like the right thing to do.
5. Jumping into a rebound relationship
Many people think that after a breakup, the only thing that will help them get over someone is jumping into a new relationship—aka a rebound relationship—as soon as possible.
This is really dangerous and not only for the person who is trying to get over someone, but also for their new partner. Why?
Because it’s too early, and jumping into a relationship while your wounds haven’t healed yet will also harm your new partner as well.
It will be a roller-coaster relationship where you have no idea what you really want, how you really feel or what you should really do.
The best thing to do is to spend some time on your own, encircled by your close people before jumping in to any kind of relationship because chances are that it will end just like the previous one.
The last thing you need in life is to cause a heartbreak to another person because that person might do the same to another person, and there you have it—the chain of never-ending heartbreaks.
As already said, getting over someone is a process and not a destination. This means that you can’t do everything above in one day and expect a miracle to happen.
It doesn’t work that way. You need to implement all the above things into your life, and pay special attention to the things that you should never do if you want to get over someone.
Over time, you’ll get there!
In case you’re wondering how long it takes to get over someone, according to research published in The Journal of Positive Psychology, it takes 11 weeks to feel better after a breakup, but still everything depends upon the individual and the length of your relationship.
So, there’s no need to worry.
Some people need more time, some people need less to get over someone, but in the end, I can assure you that you’ll get into the zone where you’ll forget that you even were in a relationship because your soul will be filled with acceptance, and you’ll become in touch with yourself again.
And for that to happen, the only thing you need is patience and belief.