As you get older, it’s gone: your exclusivity—at least with a new partner. There is almost always one or more exes. That can be annoying or even painful, especially if you haven’t found your place in the other person’s life yet. And then the little remnants of your ex-girlfriend keep cropping up in your everyday relationship—be it the watch on your wrist or the decorations in your partner’s apartment. Relationship remnants: residual waste, organic waste, or jealousy waste. How ex-free should the new relationship be?
As teenagers, we all dreamed of a prince who would never be kissed, who would take us away on his white horse and live with us until the end of days. What was particularly interesting and attractive back then has now, ten years later, become irrelevant. By the time you are in your twenties, when you have had your first two or three failed relationships, you realize that it is difficult or even impossible to find a new partner with no past. Nothing unusual, then, and yet the former partner is a problem for many people.
Most women who find a new partner who has already had one or more relationships—possibly even a marriage—know the feeling: jealousy of the ex. Especially if you don’t know much about the previous relationship, tormenting images often arise in your head: What did she have that I don’t? Was he happier in the past than with me? And does he still think about her? If souvenirs from the new partner’s ex-girlfriend turn up, the rosy cloud quickly dissipates: here is a couple photo from the last vacation on the fridge, there is the expensive body lotion in the bathroom, and there is the cozy sweater in the closet—of course, that can give a woman a little stab in the heart!
But how many exes can there be in a new relationship? Do you have to “de-ex” your apartment as soon as you let a new partner into your life? Strictly speaking, one or two pieces of furniture would have to end up in the bulky waste—after all, the ex-girlfriend most likely slept in the new partner’s bed—not to mention sexual activities—or ate with him at the kitchen table.
Museum of Broken Relationships
When you look at it objectively, you know that the person from the past does not simply disappear from the other person’s life, but small relics from the past relationship can still be disruptive and put a great strain on the new happiness in love.
But even if the new lover still has a few clues about the past with his ex-girlfriend, this doesn’t necessarily mean that it means something or that he is still attached to his ex. Maybe he just likes some things—or would you throw away your beloved bag that your ex-boyfriend gave you a long time ago just because there is now a new man in your life? Material things usually have little to do with memories anyway. For this reason, you shouldn’t immediately paint the devil on the wall if you come across one or two leftovers. Men in particular—yes, who would have thought it—approach the whole thing much more practically than we women. They usually don’t get far enough in their thinking to ponder over such “pointless” things. So why shouldn’t they continue to use the coffee mug that an ex-girlfriend gave them at some point? After all, it’s only a coffee mug!
Not all memories are the same
Admittedly, it becomes more difficult when a piece of jewelry has an engraving on it. This is because there is then a very personal connection to the piece. But even here, the matter may be much less important than one might assume at first glance.
In addition, not all memories are the same. It is not necessarily the case that he still sees a relic of his ex-girlfriend as a memory of her. Perhaps it is simply a memory of a part of his life, a feeling of the past. After all, his ex has probably been with him for a long time. And it should be clear that you cannot and do not want to simply erase years of your life from your memory. So who would we be if we did not leave him one or two relics of his ex-girlfriends and thus of his previous life?!
In all cases, it’s worth discussing with your new partner. So if it bothers you that he still has a couple of photos on his laptop or that your ex is visible in every possible corner of his apartment, you should tell your loved one. He may not even be aware that it might bother you because it no longer has any meaning for him.
Relationship remnants or not—a new partner with no past is difficult to find. However, you should cherish your time with your loved one rather than worrying about things that his ex gave him or that he chose with her years ago. After all, you are now at his side and not his ex! And you can’t and shouldn’t take his memories away from him anyway, because he will keep them even without any mementos.
