Devaluation Is The Worst Enemy Of Relationships. It Kills Even The Strongest Feelings.

Devaluation Is The Worst Enemy Of Relationships. It kills even the strongest feelings.

I received a personal message from a man with approximately the following content…
“I read your theory about assholes… I suggested it to three more of my friends to read. They, in turn, suggested it to a couple more men with whom I have trusted, friendly relationships. Each of them recognized an asshole in themselves according to your theory, that is, to a greater or lesser extent, everyone turned out to be an asshole. Dear Lily, you lack something in understanding the depths of the soul, psychology . This is scary. Try to think about the fact that there are still “components” in the soul that are unfamiliar to you, and it is too early to conclude. Any man will find himself in your theory. Let’s say an episodic manifestation can happen to anyone, even to a superman. But if a woman is already familiar with your recommendations, and even more so if the relationship is just starting out, then it is quite possible that one episode will be enough for her. And if so, then the theory is harmful.”

Firstly, I don’t believe that you need to possess superhuman abilities to respect another person. Secondly, I really don’t understand why you have to endure five episodes of humiliation at the beginning of a relationship in order to decide to reject the humiliator.
But since this isn’t the first letter, I thought about it… Maybe I’m really wrong to call decent men an unpleasant word, “asshole.” (By the way, I mean more psychological definitions, like psychopath, narcissist, sociopath, etc.)

I just immediately noticed that the letter itself contains accusations, devaluation, generalizations, attempts to create additional significance, and manipulation of various kinds… A woman in a relationship with such a man will not have an easy time. After all, what a man shows in contact with me, he does with all other women—the scenario is the same. It’s not what I write that frightens me, but rather the realization that “if many of us find ourselves among those who humiliate, devalue, fixate on themselves, unceremoniously violating the space of another person, then we are normal, and that’s how the world works.”

I thought about the global… The man continued to try to prove that devaluation, condemnation, disrespect, and accusation are, quite simply, the laws of the universe. And I have to agree—yes, we do all this very often with each other, especially in close relationships. We no longer consider this unacceptable, as it has become a commonplace practice.

Having knowledge and trying to maintain at least some awareness, I try to be careful with personal boundaries and careful with the feelings of another person in close relationships, and even that doesn’t always work. What can we say about people who don’t even understand what they’re doing? It’s considered normal in a relationship for one person to show another their place. Each tramples the other’s identity without resistance. “You’re not a man,” or “What kind of woman are you?”

Many simply do not know how to thank their partner. “He already knows.” He does not know—no one knows—what exactly you say “thank you” for, if you say it. No one knows that you are grateful if you have not expressed this gratitude. No one knows what was important to you in the words and actions of another if you did not stop there. Let’s say a woman complains that a man does not appreciate her efforts, and at the same time she says, “Come on, what is he doing?”

Relationships are most vulnerable to devaluation. Even the strongest feelings are destroyed by it.

And I must admit—it is very difficult to find an adequate person who is conscious about themselves and their relationships. There are few of them among both men and women. Among women—a little more, because women are by nature more sensitive and aimed at understanding the position of others. But, in general, most people live automatically, without thinking about how and what their words and actions will resonate with. Only a few break free from these unconscious rules and seek therapy.

I have already said it before, and I confirm it now: healthy or at least conditionally healthy relationships are the path of the chosen ones.