Are you in a complicated relationship? Are you wondering if it’s a healthy one? Are you thinking that maybe letting go of someone you love for their own good is the way to go?
I get it. This is a complicated question and one worth some serious consideration before taking action.
I believe that are three reasons to even consider letting go of someone you love for their own good. I will address each of them here and reasons that you might consider letting them go.
Their baggage is hurting the relationship.
Are you madly in love with a person who is very damaged. Someone who has baggage from past relationships, who struggles with family issues, who has issues with anger or insecurity, who has substance abuse issues etc? Someone who is hard to be with because of their damage.
Many of us stay with people, even if they aren’t making us happy, or even if they are making us miserable, because they have issues that we believe that we can fix. We believe that they can’t possibly get better if we don’t stand by their side.
And those are admirable thoughts and I understand they come from a place of love, but really, if you love them, you should consider letting them go for their own good.
Many of us who stick around because we think we can fix our person, or that they need us, are, in fact, enabling the damaging behavior. We tend to overcompensate for their damage – perhaps justifying their drinking or molding ourselves to be someone different from who we are so as not to trigger them about lost loves. Who tiptoes around to prevent an angry outburst.
These things are understandable and I know you feel supportive but they aren’t helping your person get any better. In fact, they could be making them worse.
If you can find the strength to let your damaged person go, if you can tell them that you love them and that you want to help them and support them but that all you are seeing is them getting worse and your relationship getting more unhealthy, you can actually give your person a chance to get better.
If you let your person go and they find that they aren’t only alone but that they aren’t in a relationship where someone is overcompensating for their issues, people are way more likely to get help.
I know you are worried that if you let them go, they will get fixed and find someone else and live happily ever after. And that might happen. But I can promise you that, if you hold onto them, hoping they will get fixed and you will live happily ever after, you won’t. You will just be miserable.
So, if your person is struggling in a way that is hurting your relationship, consider letting them go for their own good. So that they have a chance to be healthy and happy. And you do too.
You don’t love them the way you should.
I remember when I was married and I was unhappy, I used to think about letting go of my husband so that he could find someone who made him truly happy. But I still did love him, even if we were struggling, and the thought of him being with someone else made me sick to my stomach.
So, for selfish reasons, I held on and we were both miserable.
If you love someone, but know that you don’t love them enough, let them go. Let them have the opportunity to be happy, to find true love, to not live a life that isn’t as full as they deserve.
I know that it’s scary, and I know that you are worried that if you let go of this person you might never find love again. And I get it. But I can promise you that if you don’t let go of this person who you just don’t love the way you should, then you are doomed to years of misery.
And I can also promise you that if you do let them go, you will find someone else to love.
So, if you look at this person you are with and feel love for them, but not enough, let them go. Give you both a chance for happiness.
I know that after we divorced, both my ex and I were lucky enough to find our soul mates and we are both living happy lives. I still remember that feeling in my gut but I am glad that things turned out the way they did.
You are yo-yoing.
Are you in a relationship with someone who you love but aren’t sure you want to be with?
Perhaps you aren’t happy with how they treat you or you are feeling restless or you find yourself wanting to spend more time with your friends.
Perhaps, because of this, you tell your person that you need some time. You move out of the house, or stop calling or ghost them. You put an end to the relationship.
And then, a day or a week or a month later, you go back to them. Perhaps because you are hoping that things can be different or perhaps because you are feeling lonely or perhaps because hanging with your friends has gotten boring. Whatever the reason, you go back.
And then, after a period of time, you realize that nothing has changed, that you still don’t love this person the way you want to. And you leave again.
This is called yo-yoing and it can be devastating for the person being left behind. I have many clients who are subjected to yo-yoing and I can tell you that, without exception, the yo-yoing destroys their self-esteem. They are left feeling like they aren’t good enough, wondering why it is you can’t love them like they love you. They try to change who they are, hoping that things will be different this time. They are tormented by what their person is doing after breaking up with them.
If you find yourself coming and going with your person, stop! Try to look outside of your own selfish needs and let them go. Let them find themselves again, to know that they are enough and to stop their torment about what you are going to do next.
If you can do this, both of you will have the chance to be happy and find love and not be stuck on this gerbil wheel of trying to make something that is broken work.
Considering letting go of someone you love for their own good is a big deal.
When we first meet and fall in love, we have so many hopes and dreams for the future. Letting go of those hopes and dreams can be devastating.
But, ultimately, letting go of someone you love for their own good, and for yours, is the best course of action.
The goal in life is to be happy. Letting go of someone you love will make that a possibility for both of you.