I have fought to keep you in my life and now I am fighting to let you go. And I am worn out. I am exhausted from all that fighting and I won’t do it anymore. I just can’t.
I finally realized all the fights are in vain.
Nothing will ever change. I am just feeding my heart with fantasies of us. Of what we might be if you would stop pulling me closer just so you could push me away when it becomes too much for you to handle.
I finally realized that love shouldn’t feel like torture.
And that’s exactly what one-sided love feels like. It’s like paying a penance for something I haven’t done. It’s having somebody on your mind 24/7, knowing full well they don’t think of you.
It’s looking at your phone, waiting for that call that rarely comes. It’s sending a text full of enthusiasm just so you could get a short, effortless reply.
It’s being unable to take your eyes off somebody who sometimes forgets you are there. It’s waiting for something that will never be. It’s silencing your intuition when you know you should listen the most.
I finally realized that I am alone in all of this.
It all comes from me. I keep giving and you keep taking like you are entitled to my attention, affection, and understanding. Like I don’t have needs or desires. Like I am invisible.
That’s why you always have a smile on your face. You are good—you have all you need from me.
That’s why I have nothing but tears rolling down my face. I am not good. All I have is loneliness even when you are there.
I finally realized that I shouldn’t beg for your love.
You have time for everything and everyone besides me. You are used to me always being there. Popping in and of my life when you find it convenient.
I needed you on the other days too. I needed you just to be there. I needed your warmth. I needed your hug. I needed to know you were mine like I was yours. I needed it but I never got it.
I finally realized that I am slowly killing myself by staying hooked on you.
You have no idea what it is like staying up at night, wondering why you couldn’t choose me, choose us, above everyone else, above yourself.
Wondering if there was something I could have said or done differently to make you fall for me entirely. Maybe if I was better, smarter, more successful, more beautiful…
You have no idea how many times I stayed up the whole night thinking something was wrong with me. That I was missing something. That I am only a half because you only half-loved me.
I felt like I was unlovable because I was never loved by you—the only one I wanted to be loved by. By being with you, I lost my confidence.
I finally realized that I loved the idea of you more than I loved you.
It was infatuation. A mixture of chemistry and obsession. It was a long but temporary insanity I had to wake up from.
You see, true love is never one-sided. It’s two people choosing each other every day, no matter what. It’s choosing to spend time together. It’s being there through thick and thin.
It’s something that is never forced. It’s effortless. It’s kissing hard and hugging even harder. It’s putting on a smile and wiping away tears.
True love is never one person. It’s two people devoted to each other, investing equally, giving to one another everything they can without having to ask for anything. I realize that now.
I finally realized it’s time to say that final goodbye.
It’s time I leave you in the past and stop hoping for something impossible. You will never love me the way I love you. I know that and I am okay with that.
But what I can’t ignore anymore is that I am terminally unhappy in whatever this is. I am the only one who can do something about it. It’s time I think of me for a change. It’s time to give myself all the love I was giving you.