Things I Never Said To You
I will always be sure of one thing—we loved each other so much. Our love was strong and honest. However, we were too young and we didn’t know anything about growing up, we didn’t know that changes are inevitable in every person’s life. People told us that we wouldn’t last, we didn’t believe them. We thought that we knew better than them. That our love was stronger than theirs. But it wasn’t. They were right.
I knew I was going to leave you months before I found the courage to do so. I just wanted out of that relationship and I wasn’t thinking of you. I was so selfish. I’ll never forgive myself for hurting you so much. How is it possible that I didn’t do better? Why didn’t I call you? How could I just send you a message? You expected a call that never came. I never called you so we could talk, so you could say what you wanted to say. I could hear them, the words you would say.
I knew that you loved me and I couldn’t say to you that I didn’t love you, because I did. I love you still, just in a different way. You wouldn’t understand. So, I needed to leave without a spoken word. Just a message. Two years later, I realized. I realized what I had done to you. And you were my best friend, my first love. I grew up with you, you trusted me the most and I let you down. I know now that you are happy and you have her and I am the happiest person because of that. I hope that she will be better to you than I was.
I don’t know how I continued living with myself. You probably think I deserve to suffer the way you did and sometimes I think that too. My only excuse is that I didn’t know better at that moment. I knew that our love had come to its end but I could not say that to you, to your face. How could I? You were so important to me, I couldn’t see you hurt. And doing that, avoiding that face-to-face contact, I lost you forever.
You never said, “Hi,” to me again. Never. I know I deserved that. I always hoped that something would make you change your mind and you would say, “Hi.” Just that, so I would know that you had forgiven me. That you remembered all the promises we made back in those days and you decided to be a better person than I was. That never happened. You don’t live in our city, you are far away now. I don’t know if I’ll ever see you again.
So, I write to you. Every time I remember what I did and I ask you to forgive me for leaving that way, for breaking your heart. You gave me all your love unconditionally and I behaved horribly. I am ashamed of myself. If I could talk to you, I would ask about your job, your college, your friends, what you have learned about life in the last couple of years. Do you still listen to the same music (I know you do) and are you still making jokes about everything and dreaming about traveling the world? Do you ever remember us, how happy we were? All the funny things we did together? I remember and I always think about the good days. I have forgotten everything bad. I tell everyone that you made me the person I am today and I will always be grateful.
If I could talk to you, I would tell you all about the changes in my life, about everything I did, about the places I visited. I am a very happy person, I have him and a lot of people in my life who love me.
You are such a big part of me and you always will be. I hope one day, ten years from now, when we have children of our own, I’m gonna see you and you’ll say, “Hi.” And then I will know you forgive me because you remembered how much I loved you. Then I think I will be able to forgive myself.