I don’t think I ever believed that I’ll be thanking you for breaking me and for being the toughest lesson I learned. But, here I am. Thank you for doing exactly that because I wouldn’t be here if it wasn’t for you. I’d probably still believe in every word you say. I’d probably still be stuck waiting for you and hoping that you’ll choose me in the end. I’d still be waiting for your approval, for your comfort and support. Thanks heavens, I’m not anymore. And thank you for teaching me that.
Thank you for not being there when I needed you to hold me. Because I learned how to hold myself. When hurricanes of life tried to break me apart, you were nowhere near to hold me in place. I was torn apart between trusting you and hating you. I was torn apart between moving on and hoping you’ll change. Torn apart between growing up the hard way and still naïvely believing in happy endings. And I ended up torn to pieces, with no one by my side who can help me to pick them up. With no one by my side to hold pieces I regained while I searched for the still lost ones. I did it on my own and for that reason, there’s no way I’ll ever let anyone take them away from me. I still believe in happy endings—it’s just that you’re no longer part of them.
Thank you for not being there when I needed your support. When I needed you to hold my back, you were holding onto your junk demanding my attention. When I needed you to push me forward, to show me that you believe in me when I no longer believed in myself, you were lost in your own universe. When I needed you to bring out the best in me, you looked for the worst. I faced my first failures alone because you couldn’t bear to be surrounded with so much negativity and sadness. I drowned in it until I learned how to swim. And now that I’m a bloody shark, I have you to thank for that.
Thank you for letting me down when I needed you to comfort me. While tears were rolling down my face, you weren’t the one to kiss them away—you were the one who caused them. When the sound of my breaking heart deafened me, you weren’t the one holding me—you were wielding the hammer. Thank you for being the worst thing that happened to me because I figured how to be the best version of me after it.
Thank you for never believing in me. It pushed me to my limits. When you left, I was miserable. When you left, I believed everything you said was true—that I wasn’t good enough, smart enough and strong enough. I believed that if the one who loved me couldn’t see the best in me, how could anyone else see it? But the truth is, you never really loved me. You couldn’t see the best in me because you couldn’t see it in yourself. You couldn’t love me, because you never learned how to love yourself in the first place. Thank you for making me doubt myself because I had no other choice but to step up my game. And damn, how well I did it.
Thank you for never loving me when I needed you to. Because, finally I understand that love is not about needing someone. It’s about wanting them to be there. I don’t need you anymore because I have myself. I don’t need your support, your strength, because I have mine. I’m stronger than I ever was and I love myself in a way I never thought I’d be able to. And funnily enough, I have you to thank for that.
You stripped me naked of everything I was. You took away my smile. You took away the light in my eyes, my strength, my passion. I was nothing, an empty shell just going through life from day to day. It took me months, years to rebuild myself. To fill up that shell with so much love, so much passion and so much fucking badassery that there’s no way anyone can take it from me anymore. I’m no longer afraid of life, because I’m living it to the fullest. I’m no longer afraid of love because I conquered it. I’m not afraid to let anyone in, to let down my walls, because I know better now. I’m not afraid to love someone because I love myself more.
