Relationship Advice: One Clap Technique. Learning To Build Boundaries In Relationships!

One clap technique. Learning to set boundaries in relationships!
Let’s start with a tricky question. What do you need to clap your hands? The question is banal. The answer is also banal. You need your right palm. And your left palm. And the simultaneous movement of your palms towards each other. That’s it. Curtain. Elementary.

Now the same thing, but in relationships between people.  Psychologists often and abundantly like to talk about the importance of having adaptive psychological boundaries. That is, about the ability to communicate, live, and work with others, follow your interests, and respect the interests of others.

On paper, this statement sounds simple. Live and let live. However, statistics on misunderstandings, conflicts, and relationship breakdowns suggest that the process of setting boundaries is far from simple.

One Clap Technique. Learning to Build Boundaries in Relationships! How to Do It

So, here it is. I will in no way belittle the importance of psychological boundaries. I will not claim that there is some simple technique that will allow you to set up your boundaries quickly and easily. After all, no psychological movement can ever discount the character traits, routines, internal attitudes, and life experiences of you and your partner.

That is why I suggest simplifying where possible. Localizing relationships to one starting an action. Which, although it does not promise a 100% result, significantly accelerates interpersonal changes and the process of building your boundaries. And not through “pure” personal self-development, but through joint training.

So, observation.

When you want (or don’t want) something from your partner, you are in a narrowed state of consciousness. And if you are asked why you want it, then… you will answer:

• I just want it and that’s it!
• I need this!
• That’s right!
• I will be fine!
• We will be fine! 

Agree, the options are emotional. But there is no smell of justification in them.

What can be changed?

Add an element of awareness to your communication. First, on one side (one palm).

As soon as you encounter tension in yourself when in contact with another person (especially a close one), clearly formulate (to yourself and out loud) what and why you WANT.

For example:

I want to watch a movie together (because I want to relax and have your attention).

I want to change your mind (because I want you to understand that I understand the situation better and want it to happen my way).

I don’t want to keep my promise (since I realized that I made it out of a desire to get approval and peace of mind, rather than out of plans to fulfill it).

I want to speak (in a way that I want understanding, acceptance, and support).

That is.

Justify your behavior. Link your behavior to your own needs.   

This gives you:

– awareness of the goal (your behavior has a vector, there is motivation);

– awareness of your goal (there is you and your behavior, it is important to separate it from your family, couple, or group of people);

– responsibility (to yourself and relationships).

One clap technique. Second action. Enter your partner’s needs into the contact field (second palm).  

That is.

Another person is not an obstacle to achieving your needs.

Another person is another HUMAN. Who also constantly wants something and thinks something. And feels.

Yes, you are not obligated to fulfill your partner’s needs. But you can fulfill many of your needs if you cooperate with your partner.

So, by analogy with yourself, ask about what your partner wants. What needs/desires drive them? And remember! Your partner’s needs are not what you think about them; they are what they say.

Act three. It is also the main one. Cooperation (clap of the hand).

Ask yourself one question:

How can we fulfill both of our needs?

It might be:

a) simultaneously. If the needs are compatible. For example, I give you attention, listen to you when you hug me, and give you tactile pleasant sensations, a sense of security. Or we communicate; both get the opportunity to brag and/or complain. Or we go to a shopping and entertainment center, where you watch a movie, and I go shopping.

b) sequentially.  First, we fulfill my needs, then yours.

c) in parallel.  Without attempting to overlap, push, or insist that both partners should be aware of MY needs, we both realize our own needs.

If you think this is easy, ask yourself another question.

How do all my conflicts and episodes in relationships happen that cause me tension?

There will be many answers:

• I have to endure,
• They don’t understand me,
• My partner is selfish.
• I suffer because of his behavior.
• His or her actions are upsetting to me.
• We are completely different people.

And so on. So. If you are on the last (or similar) options, it will be like trying to slap the air. There may be excitement. There will be no smell of effectiveness there at all.