Relationship Advice: Such Women Are Most At Risk Of Unhappy Relationships.
You would love and appreciate me even more, baby,
if you got to know me better.
Chekhov’s Darling, who dissolved into the lives of each of her men, contrary to the ideas of many, is a completely modern character. Women who completely dissolve in their chosen one are still in abundance today.
There is a category of women who are very afraid or simply do not know how to live their own lives. All their thoughts are focused only on love and their beloved man—whether he is well-fed, shod, or happy.
They surround their beloved with hypercare. And if at first many men welcome this, then gradually such a fixation of a woman on his person begins to weigh on her.
“Dima’s mistress worked with him at the hospital. Dima was the head of the department; she was a nurse. Their affair began during one of the night shifts. At first, Marina, that was the nurse’s name, did not demand anything from Dima and demonstrated miracles of self-sacrifice.
She cooked his dinners. Washed his dressing gowns. She could rush to the hospital at night in the cold to bring Dima, who was on duty, dinner. Marina delved into all of Dima’s problems and, as best she could, helped him at work. She ran after him to all sorts of symposiums. She rented a hotel room at her own expense, where she waited for her beloved in the evenings with dinner and slippers at the ready.
However, over time, her beloved began to feel burdened by such hyper-care. Firstly, Marinina’s attention became more and more intrusive. Secondly, it caused him a guilt complex. It turned out that he was simply using the girl. After all, he still had no intention of leaving his family for her sake.
He tried to put the brakes on their relationship. He started visiting her less and less often and tried to avoid being on duty together. Marina herself started to sort things out. Dima gathered all his courage and announced that it was better for them to break up. Marina sobbed and begged him not to leave her. “I have nothing but you,” she sobbed pitifully. “I have dedicated myself entirely to you. How will I live now?
For some time he still stayed close to her, solely out of guilt. He offered to help her get into college, “At least you’ll get a normal education,” advised her to meet someone else, “After all, you’re young, you still have everything ahead of you.” But Marina stubbornly insisted that she didn’t need anyone except Dima.
When he finally left, Marina spent six months being treated for prolonged depression and then fell in love with the doctor who came to the hospital to replace Dima, who had quit. And from then on, she cooked his dinners and washed his robes.”
I have other interests
Trying to keep a man close, such women strive to constantly control their loved one—where he is, with whom, and what he is doing. Their own life is colorless and uninteresting. They, in fact, live the life of a man. But instead of the gratitude expected for this, they receive irritation and aggression in response.
Dissolving in the beloved man, a woman ceases to be of interest to him and loses her own personality. Well, tell me, who would like to communicate with their own reflection? Only some complete Narcissus.
Harmonious relationships can be built when both partners are psychologically independent from each other but still want to be together. A man stops respecting and appreciating a woman who does not have her own life.
“Tamara Sergeyevna is very proud that she provides a reliable rear for her husband, who has been steadily going uphill in recent years. She quit her job, cooks his dinners, and meets him at the door with house slippers in her hands. True, lately he has been showing up at that very door later and later. And, judging by Tamara Sergeyevna’s sad look, their relationship is clearly deteriorating. “I dedicated my life to him, and he turns up his nose,” she complains in a fit of despair.
But the point is that no life, even if dedicated to another with the best of feelings, can be happy.
“Anna Ivanovna is 45 years old. She does nothing and is not interested in anything, well, except for her own husband, of course. Anna Ivanovna’s husband has been considered seriously ill for many years; he periodically experiences severe shortness of breath.
Both suspect heart problems. True, so far no doctor has confirmed their fears. But nevertheless, Anna Ivanovna’s husband demands increased attention, which she happily gives him. She can go five months without leaving the house—well, maybe only to go to the store. Because she tirelessly cleans, tidyes up, and cooks. Yes, actually, she is not particularly eager to go out—where to? She has no friends and no job either. When asked, “What is your hobby?” she proudly answers, “My husband.” At the same time, she is very afraid that her beloved husband will decide to leave her one day. And to prevent this from happening, she tries to serve him with double zeal.”
Heart, you don’t want peace!
It must be said that normal men, as a rule, strive to distance themselves from women who take them into a ring of control. Complete self-denial for the sake of one’s own person is welcomed by weak men who are unable to bear responsibility and make decisions. They grew up in psychologically dysfunctional families; most of them had alcoholic fathers.
Such men are always creating trouble—both for themselves and for others. This serves as a source of emotional excitement for them. They are able to experience the most vivid feelings only in a state of constant chaos or stress.
This is partly explained by the fact that in families of alcoholics (workaholics, gamblers, and others obsessed with some kind of mania), there is an unspoken ban on sincere feelings. And in order to feel alive, children of alcoholics seek suffering, because otherwise life seems boring to them.
In adulthood, they merely reproduce the script they learned in childhood.
Women who are prone to such self-denial most likely did not receive enough love in childhood. And they try to get it from their chosen one in the same way as they tried to earn it from their parents. Most likely, in their family, the father also drank. It is the daughters of drinking fathers, experiencing an acute need for tenderness and love, who try to achieve this through sacrifice. They are ready to give their chosen one everything without demanding anything in return, except for themselves.
“Olechka was left to her own devices since she was six. Her father was always drinking, and her mother looked after him: she would track him down in drunken company, drag him home, give him something to drink in the morning, and wash his clothes. Her mother’s main task was to prevent her father from getting drunk again. Neither of them cared much until Olechka arrived. Every evening she waited in fear: would her father come home very drunk or not? Would he start acting up or not? When drunk, her father was simply awful: he swore at her with terrible words and threatened to beat Olechka and her mother. Olechka adored her sober father—he asked how she was doing at school, rode her on his back, and even braided her hair. Olechka dreamed of growing up quickly and was sure that everything would be completely different for her in adulthood.
Today Olechka is 26. For four years now she has been madly in love with a man who is 10 years older than her, has a wife, and other mistresses. Olechka believes that the moment will come when he will appreciate her love. But for now she does everything possible to deserve this love.”
Tremble before me… more clearly!
This habit of waiting for a thunderstorm in constant tension, learned since childhood, is then carried over into adulthood. Women like Olga have learned the habit of experiencing stress from a man since childhood; after all, you never know what state dad will be in when he comes home and what he will do. They take a man’s unpredictability for granted. And they also take for granted the need to be needed in order to earn a kind word from their father.
In addition, since no one took care of such girls in childhood, they are not accustomed to taking care of themselves. Going to a cafe is perceived by them as something terrible. Not to mention buying something for themselves.
Lying on the couch and reading a book is a problem for them. Firstly, because their thoughts are constantly occupied with their beloved man: will he call or not, will he come on a date or cheat again, will he get drunk or will he show up sober, etc. Other problems simply do not interest them. And secondly, such women have learned since childhood that wasting time and energy on themselves is unacceptable. And so they desperately search for men who can absorb their lives entirely and fully reproduce the atmosphere of mental discomfort that reigned in their family.
Well, friends. We have finally reached complete happiness.
There is nothing to be done—we very often, sometimes completely unconsciously or even against our own will, copy the parental family model. This is most likely where one of the main problems of our misfortunes lies.
After all, if there were disharmonious relationships in the family, then where will the child learn these harmonious relationships? It is clear that he will involuntarily begin to repeat the scenario of his parents’ relationships.
For example, if dad was rude to mom, then it is unlikely that the boy will grow up to be a gallant and attentive husband. Or if the girl’s parents did not consider it shameful to hit each other where it hurts, then, most likely, she will bring the same style of relationship to the new family.
I’ll drink it all away, but I won’t disgrace the navy.
Daughters of drinking fathers often marry alcoholics, completely repeating the fate of their mothers, whom they themselves condemned in childhood. True, it is not necessary that the daughter of an alcoholic will fall in love with a drinker. She can become infatuated with a notorious workaholic or an inveterate womanizer. But one way or another, she will try to recreate the situation of discomfort that reigned in their home and became absolutely familiar to her.
Let’s not make a scandal in front of strangers
Or, for example, dad regularly doesn’t come home at night. Which makes mom cry. The daughter, of course, understands that something is wrong. But mom, wiping away her tears and hiding her eyes, assures that dad is just at work, and she is not upset at all. As a result, the girl learns not to trust her feelings; she tries not to notice the problems that her parents have. She gets used to controlling her life with the help of the denial mechanism. That is, according to the principle of an ostrich hiding its head in the sand.
It is clear that she chooses a man as her life partner who will behave just as irresponsibly and immorally. But just like in childhood, she drives away the thought of obvious trouble, assuring herself that everything is fine. She denies existing problems; it is easier than solving these problems.
Many women, let’s face it, faced humiliation and even violence from their parents, especially their father, in childhood. It is clear that when faced with such an attitude from a man, they consider it normal.
In addition, an attempt to repeat the scenario of your parental family is fraught with another problem: the layout accepted in your family may not suit your chosen one.
And who is our husband?
“Irina and Oleg have been trying to share power for three years. Irina, following her mother’s example, is trying to put her husband under her thumb, and he, accustomed to the fact that the man decides everything in the family, stubbornly resists this. The scandals that are shaking this young family seem to be about to destroy it completely.”
In many families, a child is taught that parents’ love must be earned. As a result, receiving affection and love for “something” becomes the norm for him. He will transfer this same principle to his own family. And this can become a serious test for his other half, accustomed to other relationships in the family.
Although there are times when, on the contrary, we want our own family to be nothing like our parents’.
“Vera’s parents were constantly yelling at each other, not mincing words.
In Vera’s own family, raising one’s voice is considered a crime. She and her husband even quarrel in barely a whisper. At the same time, her husband, having seen enough of his henpecked father, was most afraid of repeating his fate. And so, in his own family, he makes all the decisions on his own.”
Take an example from your elders, as long as they behave well.
However, building a family that is very different from your parents is quite difficult.
Firstly, because often a person, having a good idea of what kind of family he does not want, poorly understands what kind of family would suit him. Because of this, often children who did not like their parents’ relationship growing up are still unable to meet their other half because they do not imagine what it should be like.
And secondly, many simply cannot avoid their parents’ fate. For example, no matter how hard a son of a powerful mother tries to become the support of the family and feel like a man, he may simply lack the ability and character to do so.
In any case, no matter how the relationship in your parents’ family is developing, it is useful to build your own scenario of your destiny. Understand what you need for happiness, and then it will be easier for you to achieve it.
