Relationship Advice: 3 Plans For Resolving Conflicts In Relationships. Learning To Make Peace!

3 Plans for Resolving Relationship Conflicts. Learning to Make Peace!
Are you and your partner digging in your heels more than usual? It may be time to consider some effective plans for managing and resolving your conflicts.

3 Plans for Resolving Conflict in Relationships

Dr. John Gottman’s research, The Seven Principles of Marriage, proves that 69% of relationship problems are unsolvable. These could be things like your partner’s personality traits or long-standing issues around spending and saving money. Their findings underscore the idea that couples need to learn to manage conflict rather than avoid or eliminate it.

Trying to solve unsolvable problems is counterproductive, and no couple will ever eliminate them. However, discussing them is constructive and provides a positive opportunity for understanding and growth. 

Let’s look at three “conflict plans” to help you and your partner constructively resolve conflicts around intractable issues.

Conflict Plan #1: Current Conflicts

This project addresses ongoing conflicts. It is based on game theory, a mathematical model that describes how to manage conflicts and improve cooperation with others. This project emphasizes that both partners postpone persuasive tactics until each can clearly and fully communicate their position. It involves each speaker and listener in turn.

Both partners should be emotionally calm when speaking. The listener should take notes on what the speaker says. The speaker should focus on using a soft launch, communicating feelings with “I” statements and asking for needs to be met positively and respectfully.

Tips for Effective Plan Execution #1:

1.  Take a 15- to 20-minute break if things get too heated. Do something that will help you calm down and distract yourself. When you return to the conversation, only one person should speak so that the other partner can listen. And so on in turns. No breaks!

2. Begin the conversation with a soft or questioning tone.  Use an “I” statement and express what you need. For example: “Can I ask you something? I felt awkward when you talked to me in front of our friends. Could you please consider that in the future?”

3. Use attempts to mend the relationship.  Say key phrases to help your partner understand that you are trying to understand and explain your conflict. 

For example, you can apologize, use humor subtly and carefully, say “I hear you” or “I understand,” and so on.  Body language is important, too. Nod your head, make eye contact, and even offer a physical gesture of affection.

Conflict Plan #2: Emotional Trauma and Attachments

This plan focuses on discussing past emotional traumas, often referred to as triggers, that occurred before or during the relationship. 

Dr. Sue Johnson also  calls these  “ attachment injuries.” They can cause resentment about past events that have been left unresolved. This is often due to breaches of trust.

It is important to avoid negativity when discussing triggers. You both need to speak calmly and understand that both of your points of view are valid, even if you disagree. The goal is to understand each other’s perspective and acknowledge that unfortunate incidents are inevitable in a long-term relationship.

There are five basic components to discussing emotional trauma. These five steps are taken from the Gottman booklet, The Aftermath of a Fight or Regrettable Incident. The couple should focus on describing how they feel, expressing their realities, exploring any underlying triggers, accepting responsibility and apologizing, and forming productive plans for healing.

Tips for Effective Plan Execution #2:

1.  Offer a sincere apology to your partner, regardless of whether you agree or disagree with their point of view.  Focus only on the fact that you have hurt your partner and that you need to take responsibility.

2. Verbalize what you can take responsibility for, as well as any other factors that played a role in the battle for you.  For example: “I was too harsh when I spoke to you,” or “I was stressed all day and snapped at you.”

3.  Ask your partner what he or she needs from you to heal and move forward. Be sure to do what your partner asks.

Conflict Plan #3: Closedness and Dialogue

Couples are often either “closed” or “dialogue” about their ongoing problems. Research shows that these problems relate to differences in personality or basic fundamental needs. 

In dialogue, the preferred status is when the couple has learned to accept their differences on this topic, although minor disputes sometimes arise. In general, the couple has made peace on this issue, and they agree and always go to dialogue.

Moving from impasse to dialogue involves exploring the meaning and dreams that form the basis of each partner’s unwavering perspective. Each partner can find a way to fulfill the other’s dreams, which often comes down to satisfying a basic need about the task at hand.

Those couples who successfully overcome a recurring problem in their relationship have learned to agree with their partner’s personality, and they can talk about and value the fundamental importance of each other’s position on the issue.

Tips for Effective Plan Execution #  3:

1. Take turns speaking and listening. 

As a speaker, you must communicate clearly and honestly. Where and why did your viewpoint or position on the issue come from, and what does it symbolize to you? What dreams or core issues are at stake?

2. As a listener, you must create a safe space for the speaker. 

Don’t judge or argue; don’t give advice or try to solve the problem. Show genuine interest in what your partner says and give them enough time to fully communicate their concerns.  Ask questions so you can fully explore the issue and its implications.

3. Find ways to create small compromises

Find ways to create small compromises that can pave the way for larger plans. If your dreams differ, try to find areas where they overlap, or try to create a plan to give each of your dreams a chance to grow and become a reality.

All relationships have ongoing problems that arise throughout your life as a couple. Psychologist Dan Wile once said, “When choosing a partner for a long-term relationship, you will inevitably choose a certain set of insoluble problems.  ” No one escapes this fact. Fortunately, we have real science that helps couples learn to cope with such conflicts and keep their love alive and healthy.