I met a guy about two years ago. He fell in love with me and I didn’t want to feel the same way about him. But today I can say that I have been in a relationship with him for almost a year and a half.
The way I started this story sounds promising and makes you think it has a happy ending. It doesn’t. That’s exactly the way to describe the beginning of my relationship—very promising. It was all rainbows and butterflies in the beginning. I mentioned I didn’t want to fall in love with him but my heart overcame my brain. He was nice and thoughtful and I simply couldn’t resist my feelings. Of course, the first stage of every relationship is dreamy but it was later on for me that things became bittersweet.
It takes a long time to actually get to know someone and to let that someone get to know you. At first, we were having fun together. We are both adventurous so we traveled a lot. He was happy when he was with me and I was on cloud nine. I fell in love with him because we were a lot alike. I thought I’d finally found someone who could keep up with me. And the best thing was that he loved me the same way I loved him. So not only did we like the same activities, we also had the same mindset.
Things went wrong when he started expressing how jealous he was. Truth be told, I’m the jealous type too but not like him. I’ve never seen someone who gets angry that easily. This temper we both have sometimes led to physical fights. In those times I was so in love that it never crossed my mind to break up with him. My friends kept telling me that that wasn’t love, that you don’t do that to someone you love. But why do I feel like I’ve never loved anyone in my life besides him?
A lot of things have changed since the beginning. We grew together. I’m not the same person I was when I started dating him. He changed a little bit too but a lot of things about him are still the same. I see now that I should’ve broken up with him a long time ago. I hate the fact that he’s calling me all the time to check on me and I’m now seeing how selfish he is. I act more like his mother than his girlfriend. I’m always there for him, I drop everything I do to help him, I constantly care if he’s hungry and how his job’s going. I truly love him.
I’m just now realizing that I don’t have many good words to say about him. A month ago I’d have said he’s sweet and he makes me laugh. But none of this is important because his flaws overcome every good thing he’s done for me. So why am I still with him? I have no idea!
The last time we went out on a date, I was about to break up with him. I told myself that this was it. I’d put up with this for too long and there was no love in this world that could keep me next to him. But when I got home, my sister didn’t even ask me if I had left him. I hadn’t. I just can’t say goodbye to him. I keep trying to leave him but that’s not happening. That’s not the first time I tried to break up. I have tried to do it numerous times and I’m still waiting for that final time. Every time I tried to leave him, I ended up loving him a little bit more. I’d say to him that I couldn’t do this anymore, he’d promise that he was going to change and then we would both start crying. And after every one of these break-up attempts, he really changed. But that change lasted a week. After a week, he would start checking on me again, fighting for no good reason, insulting me… And to be honest, that doesn’t even get to me anymore. I still love him and I still put up with him but now I don’t care about his words. I don’t even answer the phone when I know he’s angry. I am not letting him ruin my days.
I do love him with all my heart. I will never stop loving him but I will definitely leave him. I don’t know when and I don’t know how but I promised myself and my friends I’ll leave him. My friends hate him for everything he’s done to me and they have every right to. They’re like my family and they have always been there for me. I agree with everything they say about him but these feelings I have are stronger than anyone’s words.
I am thankful to him. He’s teaching me how not to act in a relationship and what to expect from the next one. It was meant for me to learn these things the hard way. But at least I’ve learned them. And for this, I will always be thankful. Even when I leave him, I won’t stop being his friend. He really needs a true friend in his life and I don’t have a problem being one. The hopeless romantic in me loves loving people, loves the feeling of love. I learned to live with that characteristic, I embrace it and respect my feelings, even if they’re bad for me. There’s something to learn out of every situation in life and I’m trying to get the best lesson out of this one.
My love, thank you for everything you have and haven’t given me. Thank you for teaching me what I needed to be taught. And above all, thank you for loving me when I needed to be loved. Good luck to all your future girlfriends. You will always have a friend in me. Don’t get mad when I leave you. You know it’s for the best.