How to get your ex back? Ignoring rules!
The most interesting thing is that the tighter you hold on, the more you lose, and once you lose, it is almost impossible to get him back. Anything can happen in life. According to Liliya Akhremchik, it occasionally happens that a “damned homewrecker” appears on the horizon, and the husband, overcome with a new emotion and intense feelings, leaves the family. It would be good if he left like this: “Thank you for everything. I am very grateful to you.
We remain close people, but I love one another.” And sometimes he doesn’t leave (although it would be better if he did) and starts blackmailing, saying, “If you don’t change, I’ll leave you a lonely orphan with children, then you’ll dance.”
How long? I ask, how long will women tolerate everything to keep their faithful husbands? The most interesting thing is that the tighter you hold on, the more you lose, and once you lose him, it is almost impossible to get him back.
Anything can happen in life. It happens that even after twenty happy family years, the “damned homewrecker” appears on the horizon and the husband, overwhelmed by a new feeling and a surge of emotions, leaves the family. It would be good if he left like this: “Thank you for everything. I am very grateful to you. We remain close people, but I love someone else.” But sometimes he does not leave (although it would be better if he left) and begins to blackmail, saying, “If you don’t change, I will leave you a lonely orphan with children, then you will dance.”
Or he treats his wife “honestly”—he tells her the whole truth, like, “I don’t love you anymore; we are like family, like brother and sister, but I don’t have it in for you.” A bastard. And no psychologization of what’s happening, no consideration of the person’s characteristics and the nuances of everyday life! “I don’t want to—and I”won’t”—that’s the whole story.
Women should take this principle as a guide to action with an unfaithful spouse, develop and deepen it: “I don’t want to live with a traitor—and I won’t”, but instead they start crying, talking to him, worse, begging him to stay and promising to change. And drown themselves even more! Not only will the result be zero: if the man stays, it will only be out of pity, and this feeling is weak, unstable, and does not bind anything, but they will also lower their self-esteem and lose respect in his eyes.
What else should you not do? You can’t compete with your ex’s new flame. You won’t become her, and you’ll only upset yourself even more. The best thing you can do is try to understand your feelings and your desires. But this requires a break.
Women write to me that their husbands respond to them after asking them to think about the children and remember their warm past together. “Poor thing, you’re so broken!” the man says, looking at his former life partner with pity. “I don’t know how hard you’ll have to try to make me fall in love with you again and want to come back to you!” A kick in the liver would be just the thing after such words, and then out the door with their suitcases. But no, our women are magnanimous and merciful (just not to themselves!): “I forgive and let you go.” But what is needed is: “I don’t forgive, and I won’t let you go in peace. Burn, creature, in the fire, and come here only to the children.”
I am exacerbating, of course, but there is truth in this. You cannot forgive ahead of time. Before you realize the situation, stew in your own anger, find and curse the guilty, and accept what happened. Then, whether you go to church, to meditation, or write letters, forgive widely and with all your heart.
But going through all these stages about your ex-husband—absolute disregard. The only reason why you should have, perhaps, the last heart-to-heart talk with him is to find out why everything happened exactly this way. Well, this is if you still did not assume, and for you, his behavior was a revelation. You can even listen to the arguments (I am sure they have already sounded more than once in your house). No tears, no hysterics. Dry logic: what was wrong and what he would like to change. You can take a notebook and write down point by point. And stop various lyrical digressions: “how many times have I told you”, “You never wanted to listen to me”, “you do not change”, etc. You only need specifics: “What exactly in my behavior should I change?”, “What does “listen to you” mean to you?”, “what exactly needs to be changed in the relationship?” etc.
After finding out, do nothing. Let him go. You will think about everything you heard and wrote down without him. Whether you can fix something or not, whether you want to change something, or the demands are unacceptable to you—you must decide this alone, in a calm state of mind, and definitely after a decent amount of time.
Many women make the mistake of promising a man changes right here and now. And, naturally, they break their promises, because behind them there is no conscious work on themselves but fear of loss, fear of an unknown future , and many other fears. If you want to get rid of fears, go to specialists and make balanced and well-founded decisions.
And while you are thinking and changing, if you feel the need for it, your ex should be at a decent psychological and emotional distance from you, that is, ignored. So that he doesn’t get underfoot, and doesn’t prevent you from coming to your senses and understanding what you want. Once you’ve made a decision, be a man, and keep your word. No need to rush back and forth. “And I’ll leave my shirts here, and let my things lie with my mistress. And anyway, this is my apartment and my children.” Your children? Come to the children. Your apartment? Let’s trade. What else is yours here? Let’s make it so that you are no longer in my life. Take care of yourself and stop hoping for a reunion. This is necessary so that the man loses control over you and the situation.
Even if you are not sure of the firmness of your intention to break up with a man, you should not show it to him under any circumstances.
Learn to live in new conditions – become independent and regain your individuality.
The thing is that most men who leave for their mistress have a secret hope that they will always be able to win, that they only need to make a little effort, and with a wave of a magic wand, their past life will return intact. And this greatly softens the fear of final loss.
The fear of losing what has been earned over the years and the confidently conquered territory in the previous family can be an excellent motivator for returning.
Until a woman becomes hard and cold towards her ex, she will not be able to activate this fear in him. Ignoring him must be real. You must act as if the man has lost his significance for you (and it is better that he has lost it). He should no longer care where, how, and with whom you spend time. You no longer talk to him except about the children, and only in a business format. You do not discuss him with friends or relatives (there is no need to give him your energy).
You are always busy and unavailable to him. No matter how much you try to talk to him, you should not have time for him. Now you only have time for yourself. You are not obliged to report, explain, or justify yourself. His jealousy is his problem. He made his choice—he is no one to you anymore.
There is one “but.”. All this will work to return the husband only if he has some feelings for his ex-wife. And if he does not, then even more so, do not despair—while you are rebuilding your life, you will understand that you do not need to waste it on those who do not want to be with you.
If, when suddenly thinking about him, you do not study his pages on social networks and do not choke with tears but start doing push-ups or crunches, then you have understood the main principle of distancing. And you have every chance to wait for a serious conversation. Not like this, as he often wants to arrange, sensing something is wrong, on the run, in a hurry: “Don’t you think we need to discuss our relationship?” but a reasonable and serious conversation about how and under what conditions he can return to the family. And there must be conditions!
Women often make another mistake by accepting a wandering spouse only because he comes back with a supposedly guilty head.
Not enough! An unforgivably small amount of vague words. By this point, you should have a list of conditions, having fulfilled which you can try to build something with him again. Specific material conditions: cooking, taking out the trash, money for yourself, for the family, vacations, etc. (everything that did not suit you and you would like to change). And at the same time, you are leading the negotiations! Remember this! “Bargaining is not appropriate here.” If a man starts to knock down the price (and he will do this only because he is a man and cannot give in without a fight), it means that his desire to return is not so great.
By keeping the terms of reconciliation and harshly punishing him for failure to comply with divorce in your subsequent life together, you will show that you are not holding on to this marriage with all your might and that you do not need a man who is cheating on you. Only with this approach will a man think very hard about whether to play love on the side next time, since the return came at too high a price. But this is no longer about your love for this man.
