I thought I found love. I thought I was finally done searching for the love of my life. I thought I had everything but I realized I had nothing at all.
At first, I was feeling that excitement before I was about to see you. My heart raced like crazy when my phone buzzed and your name appeared on the screen. But that feeling slowly wore off as time passed.
I had the feeling that instead of getting closer to me, you were growing apart from me. I had the feeling I had to chase you to feel loved. It turns out it wasn’t just a feeling. It was really happening.
At first, I was so happy that I had finally found someone who got me and with whom I could be myself. I didn’t have to pretend to be someone else for you to love me. I could do whatever I felt like and I wasn’t judged. I wasn’t manipulated into doing something that I hated, I wasn’t controlled. At least that’s what I thought but I was so mistaken, I was so manipulated.
That is the ugliest side of control and manipulation. You can’t detect it and it consumes you and turns you into a person you don’t want to be. And when you realize it, it’s too late, you’ve already been trapped.
You were that person who convinced me you’d be there when I fell, you swore you’d never try to change me because you loved me the way I was. You said you would be honest with me because that was the only way our relationship would survive, but you did everything the exact opposite.
You made me think you were doing all these things when actually you wrapped me around your little finger and you did anything you wanted to me.
You made me chase you and beg for your love. I will never forgive you for that nor will I forget.
I know I won’t be able to forget you either, at least not that soon.
But I swear to you that one day I will succeed. I will try so hard to forget all those tiny moments that we had which were worth remembering, because we did. Even in that abusive relationship, in all that toxicity, there were moments when I really thought you loved me. Even if you didn’t, I’ll deliberately lie to myself and think that you did. It’s easier that way. It’s easier to think I meant at least one tiny bit to you.
I swear to you, that after some time, you’re going to be nothing more than just an experience, a lesson that I paid a lot for, a mistake that will never happen again. You didn’t deserve even to stay in my mind, you didn’t deserve not one tear that I shed for you, but I did it anyway because I was hurt, because I fell for your dirty mind games. Not because of you.
But it’s okay now. Now I’ve realized I won’t be chasing you anymore. I won’t be chasing anyone. I realized I don’t need to beg for attention, to beg for love. I realized you never loved me and that’s fine. It’s not fine that you lied instead of telling me and letting me go.
You could have set me free. It would have hurt less than it does now.
My love for you should have been enough. You didn’t have to ask for anything else. But since you never loved me, you didn’t appreciate my love, so you wanted more. You asked more and more of me until I realized you were only taking advantage of me and leaving me sad, unloved and emotionally drained.
I gave you chances to prove yourself, to prove to me that you cared, that you wanted us to last. You blew it because you didn’t give a damn and now I’m glad you didn’t. Soon, you’re going to vanish from my mind and I will be able to go on living my life like I never met you, like I never made that mistake.
