Dear you,
If you’re waiting for a sign, this is it.
If you’re waiting for a sign that you need to walk away, this is it.
If you’re waiting for someone to remind you that leaving is an option, then let me be that person.
If you’re waiting for the best time to leave, then let me tell you that there is no such thing. Because darling, leaving is a choice, not an occurrence. There is never a right or a best time to leave.
But there is always a time to be brave.
The sad thing is, you had settled into that relationship thinking that no one else would ever love you. You would never be able to let your guard down with anyone else. You would never feel safe with anyone else, even though where you are isn’t the safest place either.
You learned to believe that you had asked for too much, that whatever affection you receive from him is enough; that everything he gave you, you should be grateful for, but everything you gave him, he rightfully deserved. And the saddest thing is, he really didn’t mean it. But you had given up thinking that something made just for you existed elsewhere, that there was someone out there who would value you and love you with a love as intense as the love you keep giving away.
I’m writing to remind you that you can walk away. You don’t have to wait for him to do something wrong for you to leave. I reckon he has done all that already. You were just too patient, and even worse, too blind to your own self-worth.
You say that he hasn’t done anything wrong lately; on the contrary, he’s actually doing his best to change. Unfortunately for him, he’s not the only one who’s changing. You are as well.
You are slowly realizing your worth and your needs. You are slowly realizing that you’re happier spending time alone, that you can manage on your own, that you can comfort yourself when you’re in one of your gloomy phases, that you can be all by yourself and still be happy.
You are not being selfish by leaving, and even if you are, hell, it’s about time. In all honesty, though, this is about you looking out for your needs. Isn’t that how people live? It’s just sad that the world has taught you to always care for everything and everyone, but never yourself. It’s even sadder that you continue to do this for people who are undeserving of the love you keep on giving.
You know deep down that what the two of you have will never be enough. He does not give you what you need, and although he thinks you’re great for him, trust me when I say that there will be a better fit. After all, do you really want to be with someone who loves you when you’re quiet? Do you want to be that person who forgets that they have a voice, because they don’t want to make their partner upset? You know it’s only working because you’re settling for what he can give, and even if he gives more than he’s been giving, you and I both know that you no longer feel anything.
He may be changing, but you do not have to stay with him until it happens. It is not your responsibility to fix him; neither is it your fault if he doesn’t. Even if you had said that you would give him another chance, you have to understand that you’re human and there is only so much trauma you can experience before you reach your breaking point. You are allowed to change your mind.
I know that only you and I know and understand how painful it is to make a decision – to accept the reality that you’ve lost yourself and others in this cycle, to prepare for the long journey of repairing your broken parts, and worse, to know that before feeling pain, you will feel nothing, and for a period of time, you will lose your sense of purpose.
It’s terrifying, isn’t it? I know. I’ve been there. Unfortunately, it doesn’t stop there. You also have to confront the fear of starting from scratch, the fear of having to live with all this trauma, and the possibility of being guarded and incapable of loving anyone else.
It all sounds so terrifying, but answer this: What are you giving up by staying where you are?
I say all that, yet I understand your fear, because nothing will ever prepare you for the pain and the loneliness that come afterward—the feeling of wanting to settle just to not be alone; the uncertainty that comes with not knowing what to do with yourself because you never loved yourself enough; the feeling of wanting to take everything back because having someone, anyone, is better than being on your own.
But later down the road, you’ll start to feel a different kind of pain—the pain that comes when you realize how much you’ve failed yourself, the one person you’re responsible for. Listen to me. This is your turning point. This is when you’ll realize that you’re on the right track. This is when you should trust the process, because this marks the very beginning of you getting yourself back and then nourishing it, being kinder to it, loving it.
It will take a while, but slowly you’ll realize that the leap was worth it, when you finally open your eyes and see:
How wonderful of a person you are, how beautiful, how deserving of love.
The feeling of peace and contentment, of being by yourself.
The people who surround you, who shower you with reassurance without you having to ask.
The people who love you and care for you deeply, who never left while you were looking for yourself in the dark.
Oh love, believe me, it will be worth it, and the only thing that you’ll regret is why you didn’t take the leap sooner.
And although I say don’t lose hope, I also believe you when you say it will never be easy. But that’s why I will continue to write in the hopes that one day you will be a bit braver than you are today, until you get to that point when you’re strong enough to take the leap.
Until that time comes, I hope that you won’t lose your light and you won’t lose hope. Trust yourself. You can be happy.
